I’ve noticed in the last few days that things have been changing. I can’t remember when this all started but I do remember that I was constantly a zombie. I wasn’t attending classes and the day to day of my life seemed so trivial and exhausting. I slept a lot and just getting up to complete whatever the task of the day was so draining. I think things are changing but I havn’t decided yet if its good thing or bad.
I think it all started with a day last week. I remember going to work and texting my friend saying that at that moment I was happy. It seemed a little weird saying that out loud because it’s something so simple. But it was true, in that moment I was. I find that I’ve had a few of those moments since than. They don’t last long and are few and far between. But they are there. Even tonight(as well as a few times in the last couple days) I found myself laughing. Again, when it happens its surprising to me. However, the times that I am “bad”… I think I’m worse. As I was saying, a couple weeks ago the level was relatively stable, but always a low. Now I have some highs, but the lows are lower.
My friends were gone this past weekend and there was a couple times I was at an all time low. I’m not sure if I would rather always be at 50%, or be at 25% half the time and 75% the other half. Last night was bad as well… but my friend was over. I feel like when things get bad and he’s there I get back to reality faster. I’m not sure why that is, but just him reminding me that things are going to be ok keeps my thoughts in check. When it happens and he’s not it destroys the rest of my night, I spend many hours lost in tears rather than the 30 mins or so when Im with him. I guess that’s why I’m scared when he’s not around. The days are getting better, it’s just the nights that I think are getting worse. I’m thankful that the days are functional though because of everything in my life that I have to complete.
Also, a family member of mine passed away. I knew it was coming, in fact I was preparing for it. I’m going to miss her, she was that person I always had growing up that was kind of around. My parents showed up on sparse occasions when it was most convenient, but when she married into my family I was always excited when I got to see her. She was just that fun person who was easy to talk to. When I found out she was sick I was devastated but I’ve had months to process the information. I found out she passed in the midst of everything else that is going on. I was ashamed though of how I acted. Last night when I was lying awake I realized that I kind of made it about me. Like “why is another thing happening to me”. I’m not sure if that was because I saw it coming or what. But I do want to say how much I will truly miss her.
I keep telling myself that things are going to get better when my life settles down. I’m avoiding talking to a professional about it because I’m afraid that it will make it ‘real’. Like somehow I’m going to be labeled differently. I have made an inner pack with myself though. If in a couple weeks, after my life settles down and I don’t start to feel better I will take the worlds advice and go see someone. I mean it’s easier to say now, but it’s at least a goal that I have.
I have never really been ‘articulate’ in my words when I talk to friends. Its nice to be able to write them down and think through my thoughts. At night when I feel like I’m losing control a million things come through my mind. Its nice to try and sort them out here before I go to bed.
… until next time.