I’m getting the sense that posting on our Forum is helping you sort stuff out, rather than having all the thoughts jumbled in your brain.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss Jay. You must be feeling very devastated, amidst everything going on, to have to experience grief of someone that was so dear to you. It sounds like you were very fond of her and have some pleasant memories together. I can hear that on the one hand you feel like you shouldn’t think about yourself at a time like this, but on the other hand it hurts deeply to lose her, even after the time that you had leading up to her death. The timing sucks, and it sounds like it’s leaving you dealing with shame about your reaction on top of the struggle that already existed. :'(
I get a general sense that change is on the wind for you…like it feels as though things are shifting in your emotions. Whether that change is a good or bad thing seems to be a question loaded with anxiety; I can imagine that when you’re feeling like you’re walking a tightrope already, the thought of an uncertain change in how you’re feeling could be frightening. And from what you’ve seen of this shift already, it’s hard to gauge whether it is something that might help over time, since it’s allowing you moments of light, but the dark times are that much worse. :S I’m hearing that things still feel out of control, and that you’re both relieved and scared to find that you’re leaving that state of 50% behind…I wonder if it’s getting difficult to know HOW you feel, when your emotions so often seem to be running in opposite directions?
You have a valuable support in this friend of yours. And it is incredible that you recognize it and are able to express your gratitude to him. I can hear that on some nights, when things are really bad, he can be the anchor that helps hold your feelings in check, and that he pulls you out of the worst moments more quickly than you can alone. Even just the thought of having to face some nights without him there is awful…it gives me a very good idea of how horribly low some of those nights get for you.
We get an interesting view into people’s lives when they post on the forum, because it’s all through their own words. Here is what I feel I can see of you, from your posts: you are deeply aware of your own emotional state, and want to be able to deal with it and feel better and less overwhelmed. I can see that you are struggling sometimes (especially at night) to keep your head above the emotional waves…but that you really want to be able to work through these things. And to that end, you work hard to find the little moments of light in the darkness. I really respect how hard you’re trying, and the pact that you made with yourself about going to see a professional, even though it hurts you to think that you might have to…it can take a lot of energy to force yourself to think about doing something like that.
Regardless of whether you seek professional help, you can certainly keep “thinking” things out here. I hope that it continues to be a good sounding board for you when your mind is buzzing with thoughts and stresses.
Here for you next time, every time.
The Support Team