I don’t know to describe the last couple days of my life. I like to think that thing’s are getting better and that overall my mood is improved. If you were to ask a friend, I would guess that they would say that my overall attitude has been more positive. If you were to ask me I would probably agree.
Overall though this weekend has been particularly hard. Actually, the last two weekends have been particularly hard. I think it’s definitely the worse when I feel lonely. I just get caught up in my own emotions and I don’t know how to handle it. So my new tactic lately — don’t be alone. Seems easy right? It is. I’m not challenged by surrounding myself with people. I’m challenged by being surrounded with people I can be myself around. There is not many people that I don’t have to act cheerful, or make jokes. In fact, I can count them on one hand and not use my thumb. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s less the loneliness and more the avoidance of being myself.
I can’t shake this feeling like my life is going to be completely different in the next few months. It sounds obvious with graduation and everything. But it’s more than that. I have this crazy feeling like one day I’m going to wake up and realize I have nothing in common with the girl I thought I was. It’s really hard to explain what I mean… But at some level I’m prepared for the unexpected in that sense. I think it’s related to the job stresses I’m about to face. I’ve spent the last 7 years of my life avoiding moving back home. It would probably be the absolute worse thing for me. That’s terrible to say but its true.
That brings me to last night. I woke up in a panic and tears because of a dream I was having. I honestly can’t remember all the details of the dream, but my heart was racing and I remember a few faces. I know my siblings were in at and we were doing something. I don’t know why that caused me so much pain of even if the two are related. Unfortunately, I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night.
I think my sleep has been improving though. I definitely nap during the day now which is a bonus. During the night is 50/50. It is definitely better when I am not alone, but since I can’t expect that all the time I think I’ve just grown to accept it. I sleep about half the night. I think even these half-assed sleeps have improved my moods compared to what was happening before.
Im still really nervous for my trip. I just don’t how it’s going to go because my moods change at the drop of a hat. There’s going to be no where to go if thing’s get bad. There’s no one that I’ll be able to talk to and rub my back when/if things get bad. I just don’t want anywhere there to know that I’ve been having a hard time lately. I’m not close with anyone that would make me comfortable in that situation.
Overall, I am glad things seem to be improving. Not as much as I would have liked it to, but I’m trying to be more positive and realistic about my circumstances right now. I think that’s the least I can offer my friends who are trying to help me through.