More than anything else, the way that you describe your emotions right now paints a picture for me of someone walking across shifting sands, unsure of where there might be a sinkhole, or a sudden edge. I can hear how hard it is to trust to anything that you’re feeling right today, and to trust that the landscape might be similar tomorrow…
I get the sense that there are two huge struggles within you right now: the way that you share your true self with others, and the way that you understand yourself.
On the first count, having other people around you seems to really help your mood, as you say; especially when they are people around whom you can relax your guard and be yourself. You seem to get a lot of comfort and solace from their presence. Still, I can hear how you sometimes feel angry and guilty for needing support from friends. From the sounds of it, it’s emotionally draining to be alone, but also tiring to be around people sometimes. It’s so interesting what you said about wanting to be yourself but not being sure if you have the energy. Like hiding things behind a “happy mask” is difficult, but it’s even harder to let people see the truth of your experience? I can imagine the immensity of explaining to someone how you’re doing when you’re still trying to comprehend it yourself.
And it sounds like that’s the other big question, hey? It sounds like you’re very much treading carefully because of this nagging feeling you’re having that everything is about to change in some way that is bigger than graduation, bigger than moving…and is related to who you are on a very existential level. The turmoil that you describe, of the flip-floppy emotions and the uncertainty of the future, sounds like it is disorienting and disturbing you. I get a sense that the week ahead represents such a huge shift in your day-to-day life, and that the thought of changes ahead is both terrifying and relieving in a way, as though it will answer questions you have worked for 7 years to solve.
I can hear you are exploring many different coping strategies, some that are tried and true for you (like calling your close friends) and some you are willing to try for the first time (such as an over-the-counter sleep aid prescription). I think your openness to trying different, helpful, healthy things is admirable, and I am so grateful you are sharing what has been working for you and acting the role model for others who may stumble upon this forum and read your story. Thank you so much for checking in, you will be in our hearts and minds this week.
the Support Team