Ok, so it’s been a pretty hectic week in general. I’ve tried to post on the days that are particularly hard (although I’ve missed some this week). But today there is an extreme amount of inner turmoil that I don’t know how to explain. I don’t know how to explain it to my friends anymore and I feel like a fake. I’ll try to get it out here. There are so many emotions that I need to sort out.
Disappointment. I am disappointed in the way my parents treat me as an adult and their daughter. They have no idea who I have become, and the worst part is that I don’t take the time to let them know. They think I value the same things as they do. They don’t know that I have grown up and become aware of the failures they have as parents. But the worst is that I see some of it as my fault cause I have never told them. Being a parents is one of the hardest jobs someone can have and not everyone can be perfect, but I expect more from them.
Embarrassment. I’m embarrassed that I still can’t pick myself up. There is only a few individuals who have any idea what’s going on, and to them I’m embarrassed. Which seems silly right, like why now rather than earlier? I think it’s because they weren’t expecting it to last this long either. They are doing everything right. But still I’m embarrassed when I tell them things and I can’t help but get the feeling that they think “ok, enough is enough”. Which leads me to my next emotion…
Guilt. WHY do I have these thoughts in my head? I feel guilty because I KEEP doubting my friends. They do everything right, say everything right, done everything that they can but I STILL get the feeling like I’m being too much. I am guilty I am taking away from their life and I don’t understand why I can’t just appreciate it and stop harassing them every time I get a thought they are mad at me.
Frustration. I am SOOOOOOO frustrated that I can’t enjoy simple things that I use to love. Why can’t I just go out with my friends and enjoy the sunshine or smile at good times. I am frustrated that I am no in the months since this started and I forget to congratulate other people for whats happening in their life because I am sooo wrapped up in mine.
Fear. I am scared that this is going to take over my life. That I will never be the person that everyone loved. That with everything going on in my life I will have no one left at the end of the day. Ultimately I am scared I will be alone. Today, I woke up from a nap almost pulling out my hair screaming in agony. So, I am scared that even though this hasn’t moved into more serious symptoms, I won’t be able to keep it at the level it is. But at the end of the day, I am scared that I’m going to hate myself for the person I have become and miss the person I was.
Jealousy. I am jealous when I see my friends laugh and have fun.
Nervousness. I am aware that eventually I am going to have to go in and see a professional. My friend offered to go with me the other night. I will probably need him there in order to actually go and with that I am brought back to the embarrassment emotion. But I am nervous that the doctor will just tell me this is all in my head and that everyone goes through hard times. And everything I have come to cope with is lost. I am nervous that eventually my friends are going to have to leave me. I can’t have people leave me right now and I’m really trying to be tough so that when that time comes I am prepared for it and I have a plan in place.
Lastly, the theme of my life. Overwhelmed. When I try and tackle everything above I become overwhelmed and break down in a mess of an emotional break down. Usually I don’t try and tackle it all at once, but I feel that at night it takes some serious will power to filter out out my emotions and prevent myself from crying. Some nights I do better than others.
I just need to know that people love me. That people are there for me. That I am important in someone’s word because with everything thats going on I forget and the cycle starts back at the top…