Hey there Jay.
It sounds like things feel like they are spiraling, falling down around your attempts to hold them together. It’s good that you were able to put fingers to keyboard and write it out here. Welcome.
You say that you’re graduating in a few weeks, and it makes me wonder how much of the anxiety that seems to be washing over you right now is being triggered by trepidation about that transition. My sense is of things coming to an end…like you’ve been walking for a long time, and things made at least a measure of sense, but that when the sidewalk ends, you’re terrified of falling off of the edge. I can hear how lost you are, caught in a whirlwind of doubt and fear about so many parts of your life right now…life after school, the loss of your job as a presence in your life, your family’s expectations and disconnection from your life, the balancing act of using friends as support, and agonizing sleeping problems…
You say that it feels like your whole life is falling apart. I can hear how utterly overwhelmed you feel. It sounds like the stress has never been higher, and you’re wondering how much further your strength can take you…that must be terrifying to be questioning. Especially since, from what you’ve said, you already feel like you’re losing control some days, unable to sleep, unable to do anything but obey those dark emotions that bring so much fear, anxiety, and doubt. :’( That’s scary stuff, Jay. I can hear too how concerned you are that the way you’re feeling and functioning might not be normal. I don’t know enough about your life to tell you that (and normal is kind of subjective), but I can respect the anxious feelings behind your question. Have you been able to talk to anyone about that specific worry, about whether your sleep problems are unusual? It sounds like a cycle of frustration and fear, where you can’t sleep because of the stress, and then you stress and feel angry at yourself for not being able to sleep…?
I get the sense that in the midst of this storm of emotion and foggy fear, you’re desperately trying to hold on to the social connections that are there as supports. I’m sincerely happy to hear that your two friends are there for you, even if they aren’t always available. I’m also hearing the fears you have about overburdening people or losing them from your life. That fear sounds debilitating, and I can hear how constantly it worries you to wonder what people are doing when you’re not with them. It’s like you’re wondering if the ground you’re standing on is suddenly going to collapse…
I’m so glad that you reached out here. You can write to us ANY time here. You can also chat live with us any night 6-11pm (or until 3am from now till April 21st — we’re doing a late night trial). And if you’re interested, we also offer email counseling. Stay connected, Jay.
We’re “hear” for you,
The Support Team