Hello Lonely Oryx, welcome to youthspace.
I’m glad you reached out here in the midst of all of the emotional turbulence that you’re feeling. I get the sense that a lot of the pressure of feeling like an outsider might be coming up for you right now with the approach of school. I can hear how awful a place it seems when you can’t seem to keep up and feel like you belong with the people around you. Sounds like you feel pretty worthless and hurt sometimes, when you look at other people (and their Facebook pages) and see yourself as unworthy in comparison. That must be a horrible sensation.
You don’t sound self-pitying to me. To me, it sounds like you are having a lot of trouble feeling any kind of self-esteem, and wondering what the future might look like if that feeling keeps dogging you. I would imagine that sometimes it’s hard to find any hope. Do you ever have thoughts of suicide when you are in these “cycles of hate”?
We’re here for ya, LonelyOryx. It sounds like a rough time right now.
-The Support Team