Hi there Sophiexx,
We are glad to hear from you. It sounds like this is an incredibly challenging time for you, a time when you just want someone to reach out and help you and hold you and find a way to make everything feel better. I wish that we here had the power to do that for you. It sounds like you are existing in a space filled with agony right now, where the people around you often tell you that you are making things worse (!). I’m sorry that you’re being told such things, Sophiexx. I would guess that when people put you down like that, it only adds to the pain, and makes you feel more and more isolated, and unable to show them how hard you’re trying just to hold on right now.
You words are heartbreaking, because they describe the painful way that you are being pulled apart — while one part of you is able to put on the smiles and laughter and act normal, another part is being buried in darkness inside of you. You talk about wanting relief from the screams, and yeah, it must be endlessly stressful to have to live a normal-on-the-outside life while things are falling apart inside and thoughts of suicide won’t leave you in peace. It must be the hardest thing to find hope. :’(
It’s huge that in the midst of this pain you were able to avoid harming yourself for nearly two weeks. Was there anything that seemed to help you keep your mind off of harming? Was your boyfriend a help with that? It sounds like he is a support for you, even if you’re not able to tell him the full extent of the thoughts that you’re having. I’m glad that you have someone there for you, and I also do encourage you to contact emergency services if you feel like you are going to act on any of the plans that are running through your head.
We care about you, Sophiexx, and we’re here to listen and support you through your journey as you find a way to live your life without this pain. <img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title="
The Support Team