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Green Lizard

I almost cried when I read that. Mostly because I’m starting to believe I’m not worth it and it told me someone thought otherwise. I keep telling myself ‘no one likes you’ ‘no one wants you’ ‘why even try to be a good person.’ I try not to but that’s what it feels like. It makes me want to prove myself wrong, so I try to help where I can. I’ve been realizing lately that I’ve affected people with what I’ve said badly. They don’t seem bothered by it, but I realize that when they’ve insulted me, it hurts unbelievably. That’s why I’m trying not to say things like that to people. It’s really only my sister that I fight with in that way, but if she feels when I insult her how I do when she insults me then I want to try to argue as little as possible. I don’t want anyone to hurt like I am. I’m really emotional at the moment, little things can make me cry or really happy. The smallest act of kindness someone shows me can make me happy for a few moments because it seems like someone cares. But it’s almost as if something bad always happens within the next few minutes that makes me feel worthless again. It’s like some force wants me to feel bad about myself. I used to SI but I haven’t recently, something always stops me, and I’ve realized it doesn’t help that much. I’ve been trying to avoid physical contact recently. I feel uncomfortable when someone touches me. I jump and pull away whenever someone puts a hand on my shoulder. The thing is I’m also struggling with my sexuality right now. I’m bi-curious and I don’t know what to think about my best friend. I don’t know if my feelings for her are romantic or just normal. She’s the only one I feel comfortable with physical contact. I also feel almost normal when I’m with her, like I’m worth something. I don’t want to ruin my friendship with her, and I’m not even sure if the feelings I have are romantic, all I know is I feel comfortable around her like no one else. I can be myself around her- almost. I haven’t told her everything about my depression. I’m good friends with her sister as well. Her sister is the only one who knows how close I was to ending it. She was on Facebook at the time and I needed someone to talk to. I knew I could talk to her. She and her sister I both feel comfortable around, but my best friend is the one I feel closest to. Her sister tends to say insulting things with no ill intention unknowingly. Anyway, I’ve been better recently. I haven’t been very low in the last while, I just feel stressed.

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