Hi Blackrainbows,

You may notice that we’ve edited your post to remove specific details of self-harm and disordered eating. We do this to ensure the forum is safe for all members without fear of being triggered but please know that our staff read and respond to your entire original post.

I can hear how much fear you have around the future once you return from being away — as though the last remaining roadblocks are being pulled away and there is nothing to stop you from driving full speed ahead into those hurtful behaviours. I get the sense that you wonder what that would look like and how far and fast you could go without crashing. It seems like, when you’re self-harming, that your thoughts are consumed by the process. I wonder if there is anything that brings relief from the obsession once you’ve begun?

Thank you for sharing so openly your story of how depression entered your life — it seems as though it crept in quietly at first and, before you knew what was happening, it had made a home for itself inside of your head. I can hear how much you searched for answers and found that knowledge of the problem didn’t offer much of a solution. It seems like the harder you fought to crawl out of the hole you were sinking into the more dirt piled on top of you and forced you into darker places.

I get the sense that during this time you’ve had an opportunity to step back from the self-harm and eating disorder and see your story as though from the outside. . I wonder if there is anyone in your life that knows how you’re feeling or if there is someone you might feel comfortable sharing this with? I can hear in your post that a part of you wants to avoid returning to these patterns and I want you to know that we are here to support you. I hope you’ll continue to share with us here and through our chat service (6-11pm PST nightly). We are here to listen

The Support Team