Hello there blackrainbows.
Your story is poignant and carries a bitter but empowered tone. You’ve clearly seen some incredible darkness and made a very conscious choice to see yourself survive it and come out stronger than those who were cruel to you. Your words are powerful, and you’re right that you are amazing – amazing for fighting the long fight you’ve been fighting, and for making such a deliberate choice to take care of yourself, despite so many dark feelings and thoughts.
That must have taken tremendous courage. I’m betting that a lot of the time, the urge to just give up and give in to the exhaustion and pain are strong enough that you doubt your ability to keep on going in the direction that you have chosen. It must be a struggle all the time when your mind keeps telling you that you are as worthless as people treated you for so long… You talk a lot about self-harm, and I’m wondering if you ever harm to a point where your life is at risk?
Your strength and passion are moving, and so is the deep sadness that you express. I can hear a lot of frustration that you’re still carrying the burden of how others treated you. You are right when you say that you did not deserve it, but I can hear that even with that shield, it’s hard to hold back the demons of self-harm, self-hatred, and suicide. It’s almost as though you are mourning the loss of the self-love and happiness that you might have felt if it hadn’t been forced away.
I am in awe of the compassion and understanding that you have for yourself when you say things like “Well I have searched and searched and the fact is that there are a lot of similarities in the way you used to treat me and the way I treat myself now” — I can really hear how hurt you are to have been shaped in such a profound way by the cruelty that you experienced. And even as you show such a deep introspection, I can still hear how when you examine yourself, you see someone that is only worthy of hate. My heart goes out to you as you fight the echoes of the past, because it sounds as though the confusion and desolation are intense.
As you walk down the path you chose, blackrainbows, we are here to help however we can…by providing a safe place to spill your feelings here, or over the chat service (6-11pm PST). We’re here to listen to the pain and the hope.
-The Support Team