I can hear how affronted you feel by the way your best friend defines and talks about her mental illnesses, especially when you both recognize similar struggles in you own life AND have such a tenuous connection to formal diagnoses and mental health. It seems as though you are comparing your ways of coping with hers, and beginning to wonder whether the “grass is greener on the other side of the fence”….or if her grass only seems greener because it’s painted fluorescent green with titles and medications, where as yours is brown and dry and real and raw. Have you ever been able to share with her your side of things? Does anyone else know what you’ve been going through?
I get a sense that thoughts of suicide have built a nest at the back of your mind, to the point that you would feel strange to go a day without thinking in some way about ending your life as an option to ending your torment. I really like the way you’ve said that suicide only holds the possibility of nothing, that’s given me a creative reframe on my usual line: “suicide is a permanent end to a temporary problem.” I would guess that sometimes the thought of “nothing” is tempting at your lowest points, but I can also hear how your conviction that change is possible is keeping you strong.
I am scared to hear how close you have come to acting on your thoughts of suicide when you’re drunk. I wonder whether there’s anything you can do before you drink to make suicide less accessible to you in those impulsive moments, like lock away any means to end your life or promise to check in with a friend at the end of the night?
Thank you for your eloquent expressions of what you’ve been going through, indigoskies. I hope you’ll keep checking in
the Support Team