Welcome, and thank you for posting so honestly on our Forum. I can really hear how alone, hollow and abandoned you feel. The pain you experience seems unbearable .
I can imagine how frightening it is to always have death on your mind, and even more frightening to fear life itself. Almost like you are living between the two and not knowing where you are.
Sounds like self-harm has become your main way of coping with the pain. I’m worried about you MissyMe and how you care for yourself afterwards. It seems that you recall a time where anger, anxiety and depression were not a part of who you are. I am wondering if you had other ways of coping with pain in the past?
I hope you know that we truly do care about you and will be here for you. If you want to chat, we are available 6-11pm PST every night.