From the sounds of it, you had an incredibly rough time with your mother. I am so sorry to hear that you suffered through such extensive abuse as a child. I can definitely hear how it is still haunting you. We say this all the time, I know, but it really is true that NOBODY should be abused in that way, and it is a terrible thing that you went through. I recognize though, that it is not that simple either, and that this pain is still very real for you. Time has done little to heal over those emotional scars that your mom left you with, even though you might be in a safer place now. From the title of your post, and from your words, I get the impression that you are often filled with a chaotic mix of emotions…anger that she did so much to take away your childhood…sadness and pain for the loss of your happiness…fear that things might be ruined for a long time to come? These are overwhelming emotions to carry with you, and I can sense how tired you are of being alone with them. :’(
It sounds like you’ve been trying to cope with the abuse that you experienced for a long time, and that you’re beginning to feel like no end is in sight. The people in your life don’t seem to see the depth of your emotions, and don’t really “get” what’s going on for you. I can only imagine how frustrating and disheartening that must be. Sometimes it must seem like an uphill struggle to keep pushing forward and trying to find peace in the midst of all the leftover pain… I wonder how you’re coping with everything, OutInTheOpen? You said that the anti-depressants and vitamins are not helping as much as you would like; I’m curious if you’ve been able to find other things that help you to feel better in the face of the dragging distress and hopelessness that you’ve been feeling? It sounds like self-harm might be one of the only things that you’ve felt was strong enough to fight back the hurt that is eating you up inside?
You’ve shown great bravery in telling your story here. I can guess how vulnerable it might make you feel to see it all written out like this, and to look at your own description of your agony… we’ll be here for you as you walk the road through these tough feelings.
Stay strong, OutInTheOpen.
The Support Team