Thank you for your genuine post and welcome to our forum.
I can really hear how much you are struggling with your feelings of isolation and failure. It seems like you have been through many challenges in your life and most days you are really hard on yourself and easily take all the blame.
It sounds like you are in a very dark place right now and you don’t want your friends to know about it, even though a part of you really longs for that interaction. You deserve to be happy and with your friends emmybee, I can hear how much you miss them and how much they mean to you.
I can imagine that it must be terrifying and horrible to think that no one will miss you when you’re gone. It seems like you really try to be good to everyone and that small thrill of helping others keeps you going. On the other hand, it must be exhausting to listen to others and hold everything you are going through inside. I’m glad you decided to post on our forum, we want to hear what’s going on for you…
I am certainly worried about you emmybee, when you say that you still self-harm and are not afraid to die. I can understand that is is your way to cope with the pain you hold inside but I am concerned what may happen if things go too far? Will you be able to tell someone at that point? I am also wondering if you have been able to find anything else that helps you manage the pain?
Please know that we are here for you and truly do care about you.
The Support Team