I beg of you, please delete the #…# again.
I sent M a message: “I… hurt… myself… 7… times… I’m so weak… such a baby… I am! I don’t fucking care about it *** I shall go an retrieve into my shallow shell, such a weak move…”
M replied back: ^removed by Support Team^
I replied back: “It’s not about u M. I have no one here. … this is a side of me, I didn’t want u to ever find out, M. I’m taking this way to fucking… far? Or something… I have depression, end of story, I’m screwed up inside from my parents and I fight it everyday to not let it control me! Doesn’t matter either but, it haunts me, what they didn’t do and did/said to me on a daily basis. I’m here in (City) hoping to start fresh, hit hard when C kicked me out, then my grandma died, which screwed me up. Shouldn’t of went down there… shit happened and I refuse to talk about it.”
Things happened, last March when I went down there, and when I also went down there in October to see my Grandma and then last month, shit happened, stuff was said, things were done, and memories haunted me. I have not told 1 signal human being what happened when I went down there what really happened.
October: M drove me down to see them. I can’t even begin what happened. I never cried. Everyone cried. I hated being there and wanted to go back home. It felt not home, unsafe, being used, felt like a ticking bomb.
From all the shit gone on, I had a sex addiction, M saved me from it- he on the other hand doesn’t know about it. I’ve been addicted to over the counter drugs for a short time. I OD last year barely making it, what the doctor told me. I punished myself daily of what my father did to me. M has helped me, he’s the only person I trust and he is human to me, doesn’t use me, he’s gentle, nice, funny, etc., and I fucked up and lost him. I have no one. I sent a text to my co-worker who I’ve bonded with at work, she tells me stuff and I tell her stuff, it never leaves the kitchen. I told her I ^^harmed^^ myself and M doesn’t want to do anything with me. She told me, to give him space and time to think.
Complete… fuck up!
Other things happened but don’t want to go into it. I should leave the past in the past, I need to learn this!
*I need to not remember*
I am fine. ^^^ No- Pain. Just. Alone. Now. Need. To. Think. Of. What. To… Do… Next… With… With… This. Exhaustion. Dead. Inside. End. Of. Story.
*Numb and numb to the bone. I need a few cigarettes*
*This agony wont leave me the fuck alone. Please I beg of you STOP!*
(I’m not wanting to die, I messed up.)
^conversation details removed due to potentially triggering and identifying information
^^changed due to triggering content
^^^removed due to triggering content
#*# removed by Support Team as requested