I think that your title is just fine — it says a lot about the depth of emotion that you’re feeling right now.
It sounds like it’s really wearing on you to find yourself so challenged to trust in your relationships. I get the sense that you’ve been questioning yourself for a long time, wondering why you’re not able to get through the anxious feelings you’re having, even though you want to. It must be hugely frustrating to want to feel okay with your bf — to feel like you should be okay — but then get these moments of stress. I can tell that it is making you angry at your own mind, and deeply saddened by the way that it affects your relationships.
I can hear that you’re looking into the future, and wondering if this is something that might stick with you and create problems in other relationships…and I almost get the sense that though things might not be going well, you stick with your bf partly because you’re worried that this feeling of mistrust might make future relationships more difficult than what you have with him…
Your emotions are very real to us, Terezi, and we’re glad that you put them out here to talk about. Feel free to keep posting here, and to use the chat service, which is open 6-11 PST every night.
-The Support Team