A co-worker and I went out to a bar together October 10th to play pool. Little did I know what was ahead of me would change me for the better? Playing pool was extremely fun, my body clicked then, this amazingly figure showed up, it was the most powerful thing I could imagine seeing and feeling. I saw him and I was breathless and struggling to keep breathing, was I head over heels for this person? No. Friend and I continued to play pool and talked basically enjoying everything. This feeling washed over me, floods of feelings entered me. The moment I walked in the bar I felt this strong pull, I didn’t know where it was coming from or why. I was approached by a bar tender asking me how I was and if I had any questions, why would I have questions for a bar tender? The evening went on feelings grew. I saw this guy who made those feelings stronger, very confused as to why I’m reacting the way I am. Little did I know, things would make a turn for the better?

I got introduced to the owner of the bar. Not a big deal right? I couldn’t see his appearance, it was foggy, I felt foggy. The feelings took over me. I still was confused. I then ordered a shot and the owner took my order. He asked me, “How old do you think I am…” Hmmm, I said, “Well you look like your 38,” he didn’t say anything he then continued to talk. He tried to talk my friend in buying me the shot; I said I can pay for it. I gave him my ID and he is like, “What is this for…” Me I’m like in a sarcastic voice, “It’s my ID for my age, duh.” He looked at it for like a signal minute and gave it back to me. He did tell me, I was right for his age. I was blown away, it was just a guess. I bought my shot and before I left, he’s like, “Hey, I wanted to say your very beautiful.” I smiled and said, “Thank You,” walked to the pool table.

So I and co-worker were in a deep conversation when… when… “Are you signal?” I turn around and I’m like, in my mind who the hell is asking me that, I turn and see it was the owner. I said, “Yea,” he gives me his number telling me to call if I wanted to or I could throw it away.

I’m now seeing the owner of the bar. I’m not sure what relationship we’re in. Him and I cuddle, hang out, watch tv shows/movies, sleep together and have sex. I’ve been seeing him for two weeks now. Last night I spent the night with him. He took me to his bar, me I was scared shitless for being judged for being young and seeing him. His friend came out to the truck and opened the door and, basically convinced me to come inside. I told him I don’t want to be judged because I’m young and he isn’t. He told me, “Who gives a fuck what others say don’t let them to.” We played darts, pretty fun stuff.

We then leave to go back to his place; I made cranberry vodka drink and had two of them. All I remember is watching a movie (don’t remember the movie name) then we’re basically having sex. It was amazing.

When I was seeing him (we’re not dating but just hanging out and having sex) I saw a different person, the guy and I almost had sex if his father never came home I would have had sex with him. Not even 24hrs I had sex and I’m about to have sex again with someone else in a 24hr period. Then, the day after I’m back in M’s bed.

The sex I have with M is all unprotected he uses the pull out method. I am being tested next week for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea with pregnancy and if things come back fine my doctor is faxing over a script for the Patch. I’m still going to have unprotected sex even when I’m on the Patch, I hate condoms.

I’m so fucking paranoid over what others may say or think. I’m scared of others judgements.

I had went to M’s bar Friday 19th with him I was hesitant in going in so I waited in his truck, I was in fear of others judging me. M’s friend came out and opened the door so I just went inside and enjoyed playing darts with him and others.

So Monday I’ve been up since 2pm and I worked Monday night and my shift was done Tuesday morning and my co-worker asked me if I know M and she explained I need to be careful because a girl who M was seeing before me her friend saw M and I at his bar together and she told A this. A is now pissed of at me (I don’t know her) she knows my age and where I work. A’s mother is one of the managers where I work and she told A it’s M’s life and she isn’t with M, this is what my co-worker was telling me. Also, other girls who tried to get with M but M never did are jealous along side of A.

I then texted M about what was going on. He said she is a jealous person because he wasn’t with her anymore.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I took the bus to this service for addictions, me I arrived an hour early and I dislike waiting especially anything that has to do with personal stuff. I literally was on the verge of a melt down, so I left and had more cigarettes (I must of smoked 10 cigarettes within 2 hours) so I’m in the room, it was my turn and I explained I want to remain anonymous and said I’ve been struggling with addictions for the past 2 years, different variety of addictions and that I’ve never had any help for the past 3 years or longer and then being told they can’t help me. I sat there looking at my hands. I couldn’t sit there anymore, I was falling asleep and others talking about drugs and alcohol was the main focus. I randomly without thought said I needed to go and this wasn’t for me. The lady beside me looked concerned or something. I pretty much squeezed past the chairs and table and the head person who was leading the meeting (he’s also the person who I talked to on the phone last week) and from there I talked with someone. I have a intake in January for the person who was leading the meeting and after that I would have to wait a few weeks to have my first appointment.

After I had a viewing for a room (have to move December 1st) and got home and slept about an hour and got up felt sick and tired called in sick, I had to go in due to someone never called in and was a no show. 2 hours into my shift I left very ill. I went to M’s and past out.

My friend has a birthday party at M’s bar and now I’m in fear of going to just get bashed because I’m hanging with M. M and I aren’t dating, we hangout enjoy each other and have sex. Saturday morning was the last night M and I had sex and I’m dieing for sex, I’m going through withdrawal. My sleep sucks. I slept like 8 hours last night.

The Hell!!!

***Pass a cigarette over?***

***Inhale. Exhale.***

No one has bashed me. I’m a screw up beyond everything. Shit keeps happening to me. Or so, I’m causing this shit, I blame myself for everything, I blame my addiction on others who caused me to have the addiction though.

I got into a car of a man, he drove me to his apartment, we drank I didn’t find him attractive and my father started to haunt me. I made an excuse to leave, nothing happened. My world crashed and crumbled beneath me. My father hauntings don’t always get to me to the point I’m having a melt down, but I did. It was dark out, sitting on a bench, crying to the point I’m just about to scream. I texted M telling him I’m sorry to bother him and told him I’m upset and sitting on a bench crying. He told me to come over he didn’t want me to be sitting on the bench outside in the dark. I spent the night with him, I went home for 2 hours to shower and check things online and went back to his place for dinner and breakfast this morning.

My cousin sent me a message telling me Grandma isn’t doing well. A month ago she had 2 tumors and brain and lung cancer stage 1. A month goes by and my cousin informed me she now has stage 4 cancer, 4 tumors, she can’t move nor talk and has had a few strokes. I get this message last night I started to cry, M is beside me sleeping. I sat there in “what do I do?”

M and I talked about him and I. He doesn’t want to call it dating or anything, he basically doesn’t want to put a label on something that him and I are having a good time with each other. He told me he wont cheat on me and he would expect the same thing back and if I did he wants to know. I cheated on him twice. I’m an idiot. He explained him and I are in different stages of our lives, me being 19 and him with a business, 38, our lives are different from on another.

I’m moving December 1st and I need to put a deposit on the room and pay the rest December 1st. I’m planning on going to see my grandma take a bus there, the ticket there and back is basically almost half my pay every other week. I’m lost. I need to be at work but I need to see my grandma.

I’m a complete screw up!

***Vomit seems painful***

***Thoughts of…***

Things aren’t going well for me *can someone pass me a drink?* which in fact has gotten me, well I feel… unhealthy. It’s gotten really hard to deal with things. I thought it would get better, it’s not. I can’t mask my feelings in this what would that do for me?

Answer: Nothing.

I found out last week October 27th that Grandma isn’t doing well. I found out more the next day before a shift at work. I felt down and worried I thought work would help me ease my thoughts and make me busy. One day of the week I work in the front on cash. My co-worker which I work with isn’t a bad person but she just, doesn’t let me do the cash and she never punches the order in, what the costumer wants in their drink then she tells me, while I’m working on 2 or more drinks. When I’m at the cash she talks over me with her hand on my shoulders or pushes me aside. I had enough of this I went to the manager. She does this to everyone even to the managers, even to the two main bosses. So Sunday 28th was hard for me.

I got off work at 11pm and went to M’s and I didn’t say much of what was going on. I called my cousin and he gave me my brother’s number, found out Grandma had stage 1 cancer 2 tumors to stage 4 cancer with 4 tumors. One (1) small one on her lung and three (3) on her brain. M told me I’m strong and it was okay to cry. Usually someone needs to tell me it’s okay to cry then I cry a lot, this time I hardly cried. M held me in his arms and rocked me back and fourth. M asked me if I wanted to get out, go somewhere. I said yea.

M drove me to another Province to see the bridge and we went downtown to see the Parliament building lit up and we met with his friend at a club. M and I danced, I drank 2 beers. I was so emotionally unwell 2 beers made me so intoxicated to the point near the end of the night I don’t remember much, but at the end of the night I was back at M’s. I can’t remember if this happened for sure but, I remember being on top of M and he told me to get off, I didn’t. He shock and said shit, then he took me off him. I got up and felt sick. I had no time to do much. M had to peel me off the blanket and he made sure I was okay and tucked me into bed then cleaned up.

I left M’s to head to work and ask for a week off. They were very cool with that and told me to be with my Grandma. I got home and M texted me telling me he is driving me 11 hours to see my Grandma. I packed a bag and he picked me up.

It was hard seeing my Grandma, she slurred her words and they finally transported her to a better hospital for treatment. I left Thursday November 1st on the train back home. M picked me up at the train station. I’ve been at M’s since Thursday, been staying over at his place for the night. Saturday night November 3rd I had a lot to drink. 1 liter of Woodys, 1 shot of mixed shot (vodka and something else) 1 beer, 2 shots of vokda, and 1 shot mixed (vodka and decilia) I had only drank the 1 liter, the one shot of mixed vodka and something else and beer before M and I with his friend went out to M’s bar to play darts. Once there, had 2 shots of vodka and the mixed vodka and decilia.

I wasn’t scared in going this time. I felt protected being with M. I acted sober the whole time. M and I got back and I’m trying to seduce him, but he wouldn’t due to me being intoxicated and didn’t want me to be sick. During the night, the bathroom floor became my friend, naked and cold beside the toilet multiple times during the night into the late morning. I emptied my stomached and I still managed to empty everything. M walked in the bathroom wondering why I was there. He gave me something for my stomach and a glass of water, both came back up as it went in. He tucked me into bed. My stomach hurt again and I was just getting warm and I’m back in the bathroom throwing up my stomach. I was so sensitive the smell of my own feces made me throw up which I had to in the sink due to the smell. It’s Monday night and I’m still trying to re-cooperate from it.

I’ve been restricting my eating for the past 2 weeks. Saturday I only consumed about 300 calories that day and went drinking. Sunday I must of consumed 250 calories (drank some Gatorade and ate some ice cream) today, I’ve consumed about 300 calories. I just can’t eat anymore, my stomach hurts and I’ve been taking tums to calm my upset stomach.

I used to have a big bulge hanging over my waist line from stomach fat, it’s hardly there anymore. When standing and looking in mirror, my back and front looking on the side has gotten small in width. I may be turning to alcohol and struggling with my sex and eating. Last night M and I had sex and this morning as well. It has helped me, ease my mind more.

Things are hard.

***It has to be a dream***

***Tell me it’s just a dream***

Grandma went for Chemo today. The doctors said she may not make it through Chemo or may die after Chemo. Why the fuck would they want her to do Chemo if it’s going to kill her?! My Grandma has a lot of hope, my cousin sent me this message yesterday, “its complicated. she seems to be getting better but her disease is getting worse”