Hi Dan,

I’m sensing that this week has been a roller coaster ride, and that some of the downhills have gone really, really far down… to a place where the thoughts of suicide are screaming incredibly loudly. I can hear that when you’re in such a low place, the feelings of worthlessness can seem to take over… it must be so exhausting to try and fight through those thoughts of just being a job when you’re already drained from this seemingly endless roller coaster ride. :’( I’m curious what has helped you fight through the thoughts of suicide during this last week?

I can also hear how desperately you want a feeling of being connected to and loved by another person… that being able to have a hand to hold during that roller coaster ride might lessen how wild it’s seeming. I’m inspired by how you’re continuing to reach out and try to find that connection Dan, both through your friend and through YS. Know that we’re here for you to talk when it seems like no one in your life will listen.

I also want to check in about suicide – it sounds like the thoughts got really scary this last week. I’m wondering how loudly the thoughts are tonight?

Take care Dan, we’re ‘hear’ for you.

The Support Team.

Oh Dan,

I wish there was something I could say that would pause time and interrupt these feelings and give you the break that you feel you need so badly. Because the depth of the loneliness seems unending, and the thoughts of suicide are so pervasive for you…

From what you’ve said, it sounds like it’s hard to even care about anything that happens anymore; painful memories haunt you, making you feel like every time that you trust in someone they disappear from your life. And even when you think about getting help for the suicidal feelings, it’s hard to imagine that anyone might REALLY care. It sounds like you know exactly how that situation with the hospital and EMHS would go, and you already know how numbing it would be. :’( It must feel like hope is a million miles away. You say you don’t want to go through that experience, but that it’s also really sad out here…if you get to the point where you are going to end your life, do you think you’ll be able to reach out for help, knowing how it might play out?

It must feel like you’re locked out of the world around you when you see other people happy in relationships and feel like you can’t have that experience in the same way. I can hear how incredibly draining it is to watch friends get married and feel perpetually reminded of your own pain and solitude.

We’re all thinking of you, Dan. Stay in touch.
-The Support Team

Dan,

Thank you so much for keeping us updated. We do think of you, and it’s a relief to hear that the med’s are helping to weaken your thoughts of suicide. The strength that you have in continuing to ride the waves of life is inspiring Dan. I’m really glad to hear that life is more hopeful right now. Please know that we are here for you in good times and bad.

Keep on keeping on Dan.

The Youthspace Team

Hey Dan,

It sounds like your emotions are taking you on a real ride right now. I get the sense that you’ve been having a lot of bittersweet and sadly nostalgic moments as you look back on the helpers that you’ve had around you. It sounds like it’s exhausting to have to constantly re-explore your painful feelings as people come and go in your life — like when you finally feel like you can be open and trust someone, they leave and another person comes in to their place. :'(

Sounds as though yesterday was a really dark day filled with a lot of memories and thoughts about the future that felt really bleak and painful. I’m glad you reached out here Dan, in the midst of all that raw emotion. How are you doing now?

Sending warm thoughts your way,
The Support Team

Hi Dan,

I can hear that things are sometimes decent lately, but that the dark times keep coming back too.. I imagine it’s scary to be in those lighter times, and not be sure if/when the pain would come back really strongly again soon. It must be so draining to be going up and down like that. :’(

I’m sensing that you’ve been able to reach out to one of the people who works for you about what’s going on inside? I can appreciate how much strength it must have taken to talk with them… it sounds there’s always that lingering fear in the back of your mind of not wanting to get too close and get hurt. I’m wondering how opening up to the worker went for you?

I can really hear how painful it is to see others in relationships Dan, and I’m so glad you’re here talking with us, and to those around you. Your ability to keep fighting is truly inspiring.

Stay strong,

The Support Team.

Dan,

My heart goes out to you, being surrounded by people who are supposed to care for you, but feeling like they only just want you to be happy so their job is done. I can hear your frustration, anger even, at the expectations people have of you – like you’re supposed to be happy just because they are there, when really it’s so much more complicated than that, and the disconnect you feel from other people deepens because they don’t understand… It sounds like you let very little of your real feelings slip out to the care workers because of the experiences you’ve had in the past.

If I’m understanding correctly, you sent the last part of the message you posted here to the new person that you were talking with? How did it feel to share your exhaustion and hopelessness with someone?

You’ve mentioned a couple of times that you might be interested in getting some kind of help…what do you think that would look like for you, Dan?

We’re here for you in these down days, Dan. Stay strong.

The Support Team

Oh Dan,

I’m hearing that the idea of possible conflict between your parents and your care worker is causing a wave of anxiety…. On top of feeling like you shouldn’t have to be stuck in the middle of something like that, I can hear how jittery it’s making you feel because of your own state of mind. It’s like you are feeling that you’re emotionally not able to take on their conflict, but it’s being forced upon you anyway…

The physical reactions that you describe sound frightening and really disorienting, Dan. How are you doing now? I can hear that you are trying hard to be strong in the moment and live up to what you’re expected to do, but I can also sense that your own reaction to this event might have alarmed you more than you thought it could?

You’re in our hearts Dan.

The Support Team

Hi Dan,

I can really hear how desperate you are to have the pain go away.Yearning for the relationships that seem so inaccessible to you, that everyone around you appears to have…being haunted by your past and feeling like an outcast from everybody else.

Seems that believing that people don’t care about you makes it soooo much harder to express yourself. I hope in those times you remember that we really do care about you. I can imagine you are feeling very hopeless and inconsolable, seeing all those happy people in their relationships, merely expressing yourself just doesn’t feel like enough

I am wondering if there is anything out there that does help you feel more human in times where talking gets you nowhere? It sounds like you have felt this way before and got through it. Thank you for continuing to inspire us with your determination Dan…You have been so strong Dan to survive this roller coaster ride.

We are with you no matter what…

The Support Team

Hey Dan,

I’m intrigued by the way that you talk about the pills you’re taking. It sounds like they are working fairly well at keeping your mood up, but that sometimes it feels like a “false” happiness, when you know that the pain is still lurking around the corner… I can hear that it feels like running away from yourself, and I can hear how trapped you’re feeling, like you want to be able to fight the emotions, but can’t do it without the help of the medication. That must be frustrating and I wonder if it leaves you feeling really powerless?

I know that sometimes the “care” systems that we have look awfully dysfunctional. :’( I so wish it wasn’t that way, and that it didn’t leave you feeling so emotionally unsupported. I can only imagine how distanced you must feel from people when even the care workers don’t seem to REALLY see you or care what’s going on in your mind.

Haha… I don’t think that’s quite what we meant when we said “more human” (I think it was more referring to a feeling of “wholeness”). But I didn’t know that you find solace in church; it sounds like it’s a good support for you Dan.

It sounds like a time of ups and downs, with some really lonely feelings. Keep connected.

The Support Team

Dan,

I can hear how discouraged you are with your situation today…like no matter how much you reach out and talk you know that tomorrow will bring darkness. And I can see that this realization leaves you feeling powerless. I’m scared when you say that you feel increasingly that you cannot “go on”…is suicide on your mind Dan? Your words hold the weight of someone who feels hopeless about life :'(

You said you feel like no one will pay attention and bring you the help you need, even if you do ring the alarm and bring awareness to the pain inside. Do you have a plan to end your life Dan?

The desperation in your words is really worrying to me Dan. I’m imagining this guilt that you feel might keep you quiet, and stop you from asking for what you need…you deserve support Dan. You deserve to live well, and that no matter what is going on we want to hear it and support you.

We care about you as a person.
the Support Team

Hey Dan,
Thanks for writing When you say you’re feeling physically sick I’m thinking that sometimes your layers of pains are tied together….like emotional pain triggers physical sickness? I can only imagine how unstable you feel, unsure when the next wave of alarm bells will hit you, sending you reeling, trying to hide from the pervasive shrieking that pierces through your ears down into your heart, awakening the painful thoughts of loneliness and isolation that you hold inside.

I get the sense that your experience of seeing all the goodbyes at the end of your day on the handyDART was upsetting for numerous reasons. Not only did it remind you of the fragility of relationships between people and careworkers and the lack of authentic relationships around you….but I’m thinking that maybe you also felt vulnerable, unable to choose how your time was spent…sitting there witnessing this intimate moment between other people.

My heart aches to think of you holding all this pain inside yourself all day Dan. Thank you for speaking up for yourself here. When you say you have “two choices” I’m really aware how present suicide is as an option in these tough times. Which option are you planning on taking Dan? I hope that you mean you will continue to fight as strongly as you have been for life.

the Support Team

Hey Dan,

It seems like Thursday was a really significant day for you, hey? I would guess that the 25th of April brings back so much confusion and pain for you, as though you are relive that day just as fresh and raw as it was 9 years ago.

I can hear that there have been some positives in the past 9 years, and that you can see that in some ways you have grown a lot from where you started. I can also hear how exhausting it is to look back on the time and see how much of a fight it was to get through. I would guess you feel disheartened facing the future alone, and wish you could instead put your head under the covers of that emotional bed and shelter yourself from any more tough times. I can hear you’re feeling the urge to give up on your future…where are your thoughts of suicide at right now?

Take care Dan,
the Support Team

Hi Dan,

Thanks for giving us a picture of what those thoughts of suicide look like for you right now. It means a lot to hear how you’re doing, and I’m glad to hear that even though they still haunt you, at least those thoughts are in the background a bit right now.

It’s got to be frustrating and stressful to have to deal with conflict between your care worker and roommate…even just having to be there when they won’t talk to each other… It sounds like things have been rocky lately with the people that you see the most of, and that it makes you doubt that there is any stability in your life. I can really hear how you sometimes feel like an afterthought, or a chore, even to the people who take care of you. :’(
That’s a frightening feeling that you describe having last week, Dan…like your mind was in overdrive. I can only imagine that it must have freaked you out to suddenly feel so out of control and even in physical pain from the racing thoughts. It’s really hard for me to answer whether that’s common or normal (I’m definitely not a doctor), although I have heard of people having similar experiences. Here’s a couple of webpages you could check out for more info on stress and some of its symptoms, in case you’re interested: http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/stress and http://www.mindcheck.ca/

Have you been in that quick thinking mode again since you wrote, Dan?

Here for you,
The Support Team

Dan,
I’m glad to hear that the quick thinking hasn’t been an issue this week, but I can hear how exhausting this rollercoaster of emotions has been for you. Seems like you are really hurting for a break form this twisting track that drops you down to emotional lows just to throw you back up in the air the next moment :S

When you say you want a break I’m wondering what sort of break you are hoping for? I get the sense that you are relieved everything is good with your roommate, yet the place you live is still an upsetting environment to be in. Being left alone with your caregiver and her friends is isolating for you, and you are left feeling like an outsider in your own place No one should have to feel like a foreigner in their own home.

How are you taking care of yourself in these discouraging moments Dan?

Keep us posted,
the Support Team

Oh Dan,

I’m so sorry that the emotions can take you into such a dark place that you feel like ending your life. It sounds like the moment when you last wrote was incredible potent and empty of all shreds of hope. :’(

This forum isn’t the quickest medium, I’m afraid, but I’m still SO glad that you come and write here when you’re feeling that close to the edge. What kind of place have you been in since you last post, Dan?

I can imagine that one of the hardest things about the emotional rollercoaster that you’re stuck on is just the fact that it seems endless, and every time you feel okay, I’m guessing you can’t shake the feeling that things might get bad again.

We can hear your huge pain, Dan. Know that we do care.

-The Support Team

Hey Dan,

It sounds like despite everything that you might try, you mind sometimes takes you on trips into the past…trips that can really bring up a lot of old pain. It’s obviously a source of pain and dread to think about either the past or the future, and you so often find yourself being reminded or them, whether you like it or not…

I can hear that your birthday coming up is a mental burden because it brings with it so much agony and thoughts about going on in a life that seems unlivable. I’m guessing that it seems particularly dark to feel as though the celebration isn’t anything you really have a choice about. :’(

We’re here to hear those “unheard” feelings, Dan
-The Support Team

Dan,

I can really hear how the battle to stay alive continues to torment you and I am glad to know that the desire to fight is within you. Even when every direction you look, there is only darkness, I can hear that you hope to find some crack of light in your future. I can appreciate not wanting to celebrate your birthday in these dark times

On the one hand, your sadness and dreadful anticipation of the weeks ahead are causing you such unbearable pain that death seems like the only alternative. On the other hand, the thought of ending your life looks too much like defeat, and for a fighter, it doesn’t seem right to just throw in the towel.

I am really glad that you “want to keep fighting” but I am worried about the strength of this desire. It seems like “fighting” and “ending it all” are sitting on each end of the teeter-totter, both perfectly balanced. I am curious, what is fuelling the strength that you show in this fight?

We are here to support you in this battle Dan, keep staying strong.

-The Support Team

Dan,

I can hear what a dragging feeling it is to have to keep going, feeling as though the drugs are the only thing that helps at all with that….

It does sound maddening that everyone around seems so intent on celebrating something that is only a source of pain for you. I’m guessing that it feels like a reminder of how little they see of the true emotions that are battling back and forth inside of you. I get the sense that you’re feeling misunderstood on a critical level by the very people who are supposed to see you most clearly.

When you say you took the mind test? Are you talking about the one at mindcheck.ca? If so, getting a 1 seems very low (as in low stress)!

-The Support Team

Oh Dan, it sounds to me like you’re so heartbroken that your life and day-to-day reality can be boiled down by anybody to just a “job.” I get the sense it’s depressing to hear your care giver so casually say she has time off, when you yourself feel trapped in your unhappiness and can’t just simply “take a day off” from what you are going through.

I would guess you are hesitant that celebrating your birthday would bring you any feelings of celebration, or even that it might bring a bit of relief from feeling like you are a burden to those around you. I can hear how overwhelming it is for you to face the future and wonder if you will ever have relief from feeling like a job.

We’ll be thinking about you, Dan, and sending good thoughts you way for your birthday.

the Support Team

Dan,

I can hear that from where you are right now, it’s hard to look either forward or back; the past seems filled with hurt, and when you look at the future it’s filled with the pain of watching people get married and settle down. I can sense how it breaks your heart to feel like that kind of experience might not exist for you — and that you are forced to pretend that things are okay when you’re really crying at the injustice of being left out.

It sounds like even though you have plenty of “caregivers”, you feel a hole in your life because it seems like they are caring for you because it’s their job, and not because they really WANT to. You’ve been haunted by this feeling for a while, Dan, and I imagine that sometimes hope hurts as much as it might help. :’(

We’re here to listen to that pain.
The Support Team

Hi Dan,

It seems like there are moments when you start to feel like it’s a good day — but then something happens to remind you of your pain and that makes it hard again. I hope you find some relief in those times where the mood feels lighter and you experience some calm in the storm of emotions. Was there anything that was going on today before your session that made it seem particularly good?

I’m hearing you say that your struggles with feeling like a job are overwhelming enough but then they also get in the way of your desire to be in a relationship. I hear that the idea of a loving relationship brings you some comfort but you don’t see yourself getting there and that brings on the feeling of hopelessness all over again. It sounds like you’re trapped in a circle of isolation without seeing a doorway out of the loneliness.

I’m so glad you feel comfortable to reach out here and tell us what’s happening for you on these days of good and bad.

The Support Team

Hey Dan,

I get the picture that on days like today it’s really hard for you to see anything except marriage and relationships all around you. Almost like you are viewing the world through a “happy couples” lens I can hear how hard this makes it for you to feel optimistic about your place in the world. The pain of being excluded from these romantic relationships that are thrown in your face every day seems to be weighing really heavy on you these days…

When you say that you want to “shut the world out” I’m scared you are thinking of suicide Dan, is death on your mind?

I’m also wondering if there is anything or anyone that helps make you feel loved and less like a job?

We are here for you when you feel alone in a world full of couples.
~ The Support Team

Hey Dan,

As always, thanks for being honest and keeping us up to date on how you are doing. While you’re on the pill, it sounds like things are easier to deal with, but that the medication doesn’t completely mask everything, and sometimes the feelings and thoughts about suicide still rear their heads. I can imagine that those moments, going so quickly from good to bad and back again so quickly are difficult to cope with because they take you by surprise. I wonder if you feel like you can’t really trust your own emotions?

It must be draining to have to train new people so often, and to feel like they are temporary in your life and you never get the connection with them that you crave. I can hear how hard it is to have hope and interest in the future when it feels like it is just going to bring more of the same pain.

We know how important it is to feel like you are heard, Dan…and I can hear how heartbreaking it is to feel like your feelings are invisible to those around you.

The Support Team

Oh Dan. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the weight of the grief that is filling your heart right now. I see you questioning life. Asking why her?! Why not you.

My heart aches to think of you feeling so unloved and SO fed up with everything in your life. Seems you are angry at your circumstances. Frustrated by the care people. Discouraged. Asking yourself what you are looking for out of life. Reading about how hopeless you feel, and how exhausted you are I can see that suicide is a very real option for you. Can you tell me more about those suicidal thoughts?

I’m scared for you Dan. Are you able to Chat in tonight? I want you to know that you are in our hearts and we are behind you as you stand on this battleground, fighting for life.

What will keep you safe and feeling supported this weekend?
Your Support Team

Hey Dan,

I get the sense your exhaustion and sadness has been alleviated a bit this weekend, but that you are also worried that the strength you are feeling is false as it’s only an effect of the pills. I would guess it’s a scary feeling to rely so much on the pills to give you a sense of calm in your life, and that it’s hard for you to feel in control of your thoughts and emotions.

I can hear how distrustful you are of your own emotions right now. It seems like you are grateful for the relief you get when your pills are working as they should, but that you are also feeling stuck with the suicidal thoughts and confused about how you can address them while you are on the pills. Are you worried that your thoughts of suicide will take you over? What have you been thinking lately when it comes to suicide?

Take care, Dan.
the Support Team

Oh Dan, it sounds like everywhere you go, everywhere you look, there are couples, almost as if the world is TRYING to cause you pain. I get that every time you see a couple, it’s like a slap in the face emotionally, and all of the pain and loneliness comes rolling over you. I can hear how desperately you yearn to be in a relationship, and how endlessly barren life seems when you wonder whether you will ever have that experience. :’(

Your friend’s funeral must have brought up a lot of thoughts about death. It sounds like her padding reminded you of the heaviness and pain of life, and the relief that might come from death…. I know that we’ve talked on here a lot about your own thoughts of suicide, and I’m wondering if her death impacted the way that you feel yourself drawn to that darkness sometimes? Certainly I do hear the deep disconnect that you feel runs between you and other people, leaving you alone with so many of these thoughts.
It is hard to find something to fight for when everything hurts.

Here’s hoping that the camping was good…we’d love to hear how it was, and whether you did find it helpful.

The Support Team

Hey Dan,

I get the sense you’re frustrated to return from camping to a build up of awful thoughts and emotions. It sounds like you enjoyed a vacation away from these thoughts for a brief weekend, but now you are back the loneliness and sadness is hitting you more sharply than ever. I can hear how burned out you are feeling with the responsibility of having to deal with everything you’ve been through. I’m wondering if there’s anything you can do now that you’re back from camping that will bring you a even a little bit of that same relief. What are some other things you like to do in the summer that help distract you from your pain?

Know that we’re here as always for part of that coping plan,
the Support Team

Dan,

I can hear how the isolation and exclusion of past summers is haunting you right now. Seems that mornings are a particularly challenging time for you, but also a time when you feel you have access to your true emotions. I’m thinking that morning times are bitter-sweet, as you are able to both feel and communicate your feelings with intensity.

Sounds like you have been waking up to a black wall of sadness for a very long time now Dan. I want you to know that you deserve to be happy. Seems that you are sick and tired of being trapped as the third wheel, from morning to night, but unsure what to do to change your circumstances.

I can appreciate how powerless you feel right now Dan. I’m wondering if there are times or things that help you feel included and supported?

The Support Team

Hi Dan,

I’m hearing you say that when you don’t have your medication your thoughts turn to those that you feel don’t truly care for you and wonder how they would react if you were to disappear off of this earth. It seems like your energy is so focused on making those around you happy that you have none left to nurture yourself or give thought to your own well being. I wonder if there is anything you do that is just for yourself — to honour all that you give to others?

I want to check in with the thoughts of suicide you’ve been discussing here lately — I get the sense that when you talk in this post about being gone you are referring to ending your life — am I correct? I want to check in with how strong those thoughts are right now and what can be done to help keep you safe?

I’m glad that you are so willing to open up here about your thoughts and feelings Dan. We are here to listen and to support you.

The Support Team

Dan,

It sounds like on the scale that you mention, the mornings are a much higher number than the evenings, when you are on your medication. I can tell that the see-saw between up and down is frustrating in its own way, because when you feel better, you sense that it’s because of the pills, and that it might soon change again.

The bad thoughts, the thoughts of suicide, must seem like a comfort sometimes, when endlessly you have to force yourself to play along with the role that you have in your own life. I can hear how desperately you crave anything that would make you feel like less of a job. :’(

I’m glad that you talk about it all here, Dan, because especially in the summer, it sounds like you are really low on support and understanding from other supports. I can imagine that things seem particularly bleak right now, when you have just lost your friend, and now have to face the weeks while your parents are gone with little help. Do you think that there is anything that might help you to distract yourself from the bad thoughts while your family is away? Of course, as always, we are here for you during that time.

-The Support Team

Oh Dan,

It sounds as though things are becoming unravelled with your family gone and the thoughts in your head are getting really strong. I can understand that it doesn’t all stem from your parents going away… I can imagine though, that without their presence, your feeling of being a job is a lot more powerful, and death seems especially tempting. Your life seems largely determined for you, and built out of the expectations of other people, and I can hear how deeply you just want to be done with all of it. I can hear how badly you want to escape. :’(

You say that the thoughts and loneliness are strong enough that you feel like you should go to a hospital but are not welcome to do so…. It’s like you are calling for help and nobody is there to answer. I get the sense that the nurse stands out as an example of a time when you tried to get support and ended up with misunderstanding. It must be hugely upsetting to feel like when you are in so much distress, you still have to act a certain way and perhaps pretend not to be in the emotional pain you feel.

We want to help you however we can Dan, because we can hear how isolated you’re feeling. If you feel like you are in crisis, and our chat service is open, we might be able to connect you to a team of mental health workers who help people dealing with suicidal thoughts. Suicide IS a difficult topic, and it can be hard to find people willing to talk to you. Please chat in if you want help accessing extra supports. We are always ready to talk to you here, and to hear whatever you have to get off your mind, but we know that sometimes things feel bigger than that…

The Support Team

Dan,
My heart really goes out to you. It is terrifying to think that you are becoming physically ill from your thoughts. I can truly hear the depth of your sadness. And it sounds like having such a visceral reaction made the feelings that much more real, and made you want help very much.

I can imagine that it must be very painful to always feel like a job, and like the care people sometimes don’t seem like they are doing what is in their job title. I can hear your frustration with them, and how much more lonely and isolated it makes you feel.

You have such resilience, Dan. We see the strength in the fact that you keep reaching out for help when you are struggling with the decision of life vs. death. The hardest thing right now must be feeling that even though you are so close to ending it all, and you are not taken seriously and are not welcome at the hospital. I hope that you remember that we are here for you, and that even though we are online and not in person, we care very much about you, Dan.

I can hear how your mind runs over the “long journey” that you have ahead if you choose to live. When you are feeling suicidal, it must seem like a horrible thought that things might continue on with so much pain. :’( When the pills kick in, things seem brighter, and perhaps it’s easier to imagine life in the future? I wonder what has kept you going lately?

Packages come and go, tossed this way and that, sometimes without thought for the delicate contents. A package gets bruised and battered, and falls upside-down. But when the package is finally opened, and the contents revealed, somebody finally gets to see the beauty that the workers missed when they were flinging it every which way. We believe that you have strength and beauty, Dan, that are very much worth fighting for. I’m so glad that you continue to connect here and over chat. I can hear how close the thoughts of death were lurking the other day, and it scares me for you. We’re here to help you fight those thoughts however we can.

<3
The Support Team