Hi Dan,

To answer your question, we are open through the Christmas holidays with our regular hours (6pm-11pm Sun-Thurs & 6pm-Midnight Fri-Sat PST). Please do not hesitate to reach out to us via chat if you want to connect with someone.
I am getting the sense that you are feeling anxious about the holiday season. I can imagine that Christmas time brings up many emotions for you and that you are already beginning to feel overwhelmed by them.

I am hearing that you are currently feeling certain that you are not a person, but rather a job. It sounds like your day to day experiences with the people in your life do not feel very human and leave you with the impression that you are not a person but a machine that one performs their daily duties on. I can tell you honestly and from the heart that for me and the Youthspace team, you are as much of a person as anyone else out there. I am wondering if in the loop of ups and downs there are moments where you do feel more like a person and how do those moments look like for you?

It sounds like you are really struggling with your thoughts of suicide and questioning if life will be better for you and others if you are not around. It seems really painful to feel so alone despite the consistent flow of others. I can imagine you are missing the meaningful connections that come along with interacting with people. I get the thought that it must be somewhat like being trapped inside a fish bowl, watching the world around you but not getting the full experience. Your strength continues to inspire us.

Know that we are always here for you Dan,

The Support Team

Dan,

It must seem like the parade of care workers is endless…I can only imagine how tired you are of having to go through the same actions again and again, to the point where you doubt that things will ever change. It’s brought up so many feelings that you’ve had before, and I can hear you asking yourself if it will EVER feel differently. :'(

There’s so much frustration in your words, and I’m guessing that you’re having intense emotions around having to do this again. I know that you are fed up with feeling like a job and being surrounded by care workers who say that they care, but who don’t really seem to see what you’re feeling. My heart goes out to you, Dan…that sounds incredibly isolating. It speaks to the immensity of your pain and exhaustion that you wonder if ending your life is a better option than having to go through the same thing again and feel like nothing more than someone’s job. Please let us know if you feel like you might act on those feelings — we are here to talk about it with you.

I’m glad that you asked about the holiday hours, and that you know now that we’ll be open! I get the sense that Christmas is coming towards you with all kinds of negative memories and thoughts attached, and that you might need some support. We’ll do everything we can to help you through, Dan.
-The Support Team

Dan,
I get the sense that you feel these bad thoughts are waiting for you, lurking behind every corner, like one bad turn could have you filled with thoughts of death again.

You’re fighting really hard to avoid suicide, and I want you to know that your determination to avoid acting on that sometimes wish to die is really inspiring. We care a lot about you Dan, and want to support that part of you that is courageously fighting to stay alive.

Seems like you are really torn in two directions, wanting your pain to end, but also wanting to survive to see what tomorrow might bring.

I imagine your heart aches when you think about all the people you have lost. Can you tell me what you do to take care of yourself? What does your heart find uplifting?

The Support Team

Dan,

I can hear from your words how lost you are and how the idea of taking care of yourself feels entirely overwhelming. It’s as though you’re caught in the ocean tide and waves crash down on your head each time you try to take a breath.

That feeling of panic sounds so dreadful, Dan and my heart goes out to you as I think of you struggling to want to live and seeming so beaten down.

I can picture you on that roller coaster of medications — up and down and backwards. I hope you’ll hold on Dan and lean on us for support when the ride makes you dizzy. We are here to listen

The Support Team

Dan,

I wish that I had a way to heal the pain, and to help you feel free in your life. The way you’ve described this “Dan day” shows in a powerful way how monotonously unchanging these feelings are for you. I know that the word “exhausting” is probably one of those things that has been said over and over, but I honestly can hardly imagine how tired — how exhausted — you are. I can hear how it seems impossible to find something to fight for anymore when all hope feels like it dried up long ago. And I know that the deaths you’ve experienced in this last year just add to the heavy, heavy feelings. :’(

It sounds like when you look back, you see a series of dark Christmases, and this one looks like it is going to feel darker than ever, and you can feel the pressure of that darkness building up. I can hear how you hurt so badly thinking of the last 11 years, and the endless pain they have brought – I can hear that it’s making you wonder if that pain will ever change, or if it will continue, and just feel worse and worse for years to come. You say that there have been occasional good days, Dan, but it sounds like the pain feels like a thick black line that covers up the thin writing of those better days. What do you think it might look like if things were ever to get better Dan? What has been keeping you alive in moments like this?

We’re here to help you, Dan. Please know that we are here for you on the forum and over chat, and that you can contact us to help you out if you feel like you are going to end your life.

The Support Team

Hi Dan,

I am hearing that you feel a bit hopeless about the fast approaching New Year. With Christmas almost here, it comes as no surprise that 2014 is on your mind. It probably feels really discouraging to bring in the New Year when you do not feel like you have the kind of support that you really need over the holidays. I guess you feel like it would be impossible to get the support you want if you think that you already have all the help you can get. I get the idea that thinking that you have all the help that is available to you, doesn’t leave you with much optimism for more options.

I get the sense that you are really sick of starting over with new people. Seems like on the one hand you feel like maybe there is hope that the new person will help in a way others couldn’t but on the other hand they might just bring you to the same place as the last one and then they are gone. It must be really frustrating for you to get to know someone and then they leave. Like you are always grieving the loss of someone . It seems like you crave some consistency with the people in your life.

It sounds like you are feeling like there is so much tension inside of you that is wanting to burst, and there is no way to explode and get release. I can imagine the helplessness that you feel is something that you want so badly to battle but you haven’t been able to find the right weapon to fight against it. I am wondering, if you could build the weapon against feeling helpless, what would it look like?

We are here for you Dan, in forum, chat and ecounselling. Please don’t hesitate anytime you need to talk.

With so much gratitude of the strength you show us all,

The Support Team

Oh Dan,

It seems as though you are feeling incredibly lost without that one person you relied so much on for support, and on top of that at a time of year when you so desperately need the comfort of familiar, caring people around you. I would guess it’s terrifying to know that you will have to be brave for yourself on your own this year, and hard to trust that you have it in you to do so. I get the sense it is breaking your heart to face Christmas without that person there to talk to anymore I am glad you are talking to us about it, and I hope you’ll continue to use us as support as long as you need it

I can hear how excruciating it is to keep fighting, and how tempting it is to lay down your sword and give in to the beast in the darkness that represents your death by suicide. As hard as it is, I’m comforted to hear that at least a part of you wants to keep fighting. Do you have someone in your life you can contact right away in the darkest moments, when it feels to difficult to fight any more?

Sending you thoughts of strength and courage,
the Support Team

Hey Dan,

It sounds as though the approaching New Year is really bringing up some intense feelings for you. I am getting the sense that as this year wraps up and you look towards the next, you’re scared that things aren’t going to change for you in 2014, that your life is going to stay the same. You’re feeling pretty hopeless about life in general, and I’m worried for you, seeing that suicide is on your mind.

I can hear how tired and fed up you are of feeling bad and how much you want to feel differently about the things in your life. You say you feel as if you are without words now and I get the sense it feels futile for you to reach out to others. I want to let you know we always want to hear about what’s going on for you, Dan.

How can you keep yourself safe and supported through this tough time?

Please Chat in if you want to talk more. We’re thinking of you.

The Support Team.

Hey Dan,

Your last post really shows the heartbreak and loneliness that this season is bringing for you. I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling such an intense dread of the new year, and that things are so low for you right now. Another year must seem like another cycle of the same pain for you right now.

It sounds like on top of the sadness that the Christmas season brings, there’s another layer of loneliness with the person you talk to being gone and your brothers both being romantically involved. You say you’re lost, and the image that comes to mind is a boat in a fog, unable to see the lighthouse or find a way to land. It sounds like you feel stuck in a void where nobody seems to be able to see you or your pain, and you can see the new year approaching, bringing a tidal wave of the same feelings….an extension of the same agonizing dan day.

I’m not sure what you mean by “it will happen 1 or 2 am on day 10”, and it worries me because it sounds like you feel a crisis looming over you… Know that when you feel deeper down than you have ever felt before, we will still be here for you, Dan.

Chat or post to the forum when you need to. We are here every night, and we’ll help you however we can.
-The Support Team

Hey Dan,

I get the sense that Dan Day, as much as it sounds like a day just for you, is not something that you are looking forward to . It seems as though it is a reminder of your 10 year struggle and the difficult journey of pain that it has been.

10 years is a long time to be fighting Dan. You have really come a long way through your voyage. I am wondering, what has kept you “fighting the same war” for all these years? What has kept you going all this time?

It is remarkable that you have been so strong and able to reach out for help when you need it. Don’t stop reaching Dan, your perseverance is an inspiration.

Please remember that we are always here for you when you need support through the battles.

With lots of love to get you through,

The Support Team

Hi Dan,

I get the sense that you’ve just finished climbing a big mountain (getting through the holidays) and now you turn around and see an even bigger mountain in your path for next year and all the difficulties it will bring you. It sounds as though you are desperate for some peace in your mind but there is none to be found anywhere around you.

I can hear the desperation you feel as you long for a meaningful relationship like the ones your brothers have and I’d imagine it’s achingly lonely to feel you’ll never find that person who brings you a sense of warmth and comfort. I can hear how much it hurts you to be the ‘third wheel’ in those other relationships when you dream of having that for yourself.

I’m wondering what scale you’re using Dan that you’re an 8 on? Is that a scale of depression/sadness? I get the sense that without your pills your situation is feeling much more overwhelming as your thoughts spin faster and faster. We are here to listen to you Dan and to support you through the thoughts and the hurt.

The Support Team

Hey Dan,

I hear you. It sounds like this mountain ahead looks impossible to climb from where you are. You know that you’re still emotionally drained from this last year, and the losses that you experienced, and that it will be harder than ever to make it through every day. An 8 is pretty darn high, and it reflects how little you feel ready to face this New Year, which could be so similar to the other years, another moment in an ongoing dan day. :’(

I can hear too, that the desperation to have someone there with you is SO strong right now, and that it feeds into the incredible heaviness that you’re feeling about starting this year. I can tell that not having your friend email you back is also wounding you very deeply, and reminding you of how disconnected you feel from people. I can only imagine how badly you want someone to really care about how you are, and how heartbreaking it is to see other people move on while you feel like you are stuck in the same moment, and the same pain.

Dan, this New Years sounds like it’s going to be awful for you. Thanks for letting us know about the fear and sadness you’re going through, and also that you are somewhat safe. Please chat in if you feel like you want us to help you more in the moment. You are very much in our hearts.

-The Support Team

Oh, Dan.

I can really hear how sad and hopeless you’re feeling and how the approaching New Year is filling you with so much dread. I get the sense too that you’re feeling powerless, both to stop the New Year coming in, and powerless over what your life will be like this year. I feel for you when you say pain is all you know. I can imagine how strenuous it is to constantly be in pain.

I can hear how torn you are between the desire to give in to your thoughts of suicide and the will you have to keep fighting to stay alive. I get the sense that the loss of someone in your life who has shown you compassion and care is hitting you like an arrow through the heart, and you are absolutely desolate to face a future without them. I see the immense strength it takes for you to keep fighting, Dan.

You really are in our hearts. Stay in touch, we want to hear from you.

-The Support Team

Hey Dan,

I can hear how hard it is for you to let go of someone who you valued so much and to start all over with some new, someone you don’t know yet. It isn’t every day that you find someone that you feel you can truly connect with. I imagine that good support is really hard to find and when they leave, it probably feels like you have lost a member of your family. Like someone/something in your life is missing. I get the sense that seeing them go leaves you feeling a little bit abandoned .

It seems like you are grieving the loss of a person that meant a lot to you and that you have grown a little attached to from the comfort that you felt in her presence. Seems like you feel that she really knew you well. I can imagine that it is frustrating to start from the beginning with someone else but I am hearing that the new person may also be good too and as hard as it is to let something good go, new beginnings may lead to anticipation of what it will be like, which could be good .

It seems that with mourning your past relationship, it is difficult to be excited about the new one. I am wondering if there is any way that you can think of to honor her as a way of saying goodbye and attaining closure from the relationship?

Thanks for your candid posts Dan, you are always in our hearts

-The Support Team

Oh Dan,

You weren’t ready for this year, but it came anyway, hey? I can imagine it feels like you’re running a race, but nobody thought to tell you how long the race was, and now you’re so tired that you’re wondering if there even IS a finish line.

I can tell that it feels like you either have to go off like the “ticking time bomb”, or keep going by putting yourself on numb autopilot. It sounds like staying alive doesn’t bring you much hope of a change anymore, especially since you’ve lost people that you care for in the last year. If you don’t mind me asking, Dan, is there anyone in your life who you can talk to about the feelings you’re having from losing people?

We are always here for you, Dan. I know that your heart is being dragged down by sadness right now, and as always, I invite you to share it here.

The Support Team

Dan,

You do sound really low energy, really numb right now. I get how even though your mood is better when you’re on the medication in the evenings, that it doesn’t change the enduring feelings that you have. It must be endlessly frustrating to fall in and out of the pain like that.

I can hear how futile it all feels — like you keep going, and going, and going, only to find more of the same frustration and loneliness. I can only imagine how tired you are of talking about the dan day, and the feelings that you can’t escape from. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong in talking about it…and we’re here to listen (always)…but you would know better than us if it is helping at all. You say that you would like someone to give you a boost…what do you think that would look like for you, Dan?

You show an incredible strength, Dan, and we are here to support you anytime, even though it’s not the same as face-to-face.

-The Support Team

I would guess, Dan, that not only are you devastated to lose that person you were able to confide in but you’re feeling betrayed that after she promised you’d never lose her, she left. It seems to me that losing her left a huge hole in your heart, and that even if you could find someone who made you feel as supported as she did you’d be afraid to let them in and risk feeling this pain again.

It sounds like the meds leave you feeling a bit like you’re in a dream, and that it frightens you to be so out of touch with what real dan might be going through behind the haze of the pills. I imagine it’s a scary thought that the medication is the only reason you’re still alive, although I can hear you are grateful that it has kept you going through some of the darkest moments. Am I right in hearing that even with the pills you are feeling suicidal?

Sending you thoughts of strength and support

The Support Team

Oh Dan, we just got your message now about your grandfather’s wife, I’m so sorry to hear that I imagine death is very much on your mind these days with someone so close to you facing it so soon.

We think you are doing a tremendous, amazing, admirable job wading through the challenges that life has thrown at you, and we are so, so glad that you do keep going even when it feels like a fight you can’t win.

Hi Dan,

When you say you feel like you’ve been shot I get a sense of how deeply the pain is piercing you right now and that death feels right there with you in your pain. It seems that you have watched those you love move away from you in the past year and that this friend you’re letting go of now feels like the last piece of solid foundation beneath you being ripped away. We are here for you Dan to be some solid earth beneath you as long as you need us.

I can hear how much harder things become for you once the medication leaves your system and you’re without your defenses in battle — I picture you as a wounded soldier and the war rages on around you with no protection and no one helping you to safety. I get the sense that you think you might find some peace or help if you go to the hospital but that no one in your life is willing to help get you there. We are here for you Dan and if you need immediate assistance we are available by chat 6-11pm PST (and midnight on Friday and Saturday nights).

The Support Team

Oh Dan,

I’m sorry to hear about your Grandfather’s wife — I’d imagine that there might be grief for her loss as well as sadness that you aren’t able to feel a connection with those around you during this time. I hear that you feel those who were once a source of support to you have now faded away and their memories are more like ghosts because you know that, even though they are still alive, they aren’t the people they once were. Perhaps it’s more like you’re frozen and the world moves around you but you’re unable to move with it. I’m really glad to hear that you feel like we understand what’s going on for you Dan, we are definitely here to support you and appreciate that you’ve been brave enough to keep reaching out when you’re feeling so low.

It sounds like on one hand the pills help you to keep going when you’re in this dark place but on the other hand you question whether getting through life without really connecting to yourself is what you want or need. It seems like Dan Day gives you an opportunity to honour that pain you feel and fear about the possibility that it will never end. It’s as if you have your own private ‘holiday’ to commemorate what your sadness means to you even while there is little support around you. I’m really sorry to hear that you have felt rejected in your attempts to tell the hospital staff how desperate things are for you. It seems like there is a ‘one size fits all’ answer to how you’re feeling but you don’t like the way that answer fits and there is no alternative.

We are here to listen and to support you Dan as you work through today and the days to come. Sending you hugs and light. The Support Team