Thanks so much for your reply. You’re right, I am so deeply ashamed. I feel totally alone – I can’t tell my friends and family, because I know that although they would probably be supportive to helping me feel better they might (probably would?) also really lost trust and some respect for me. I tell my boyfriend most everything, but this is going on under his nose and he doesn’t know, and I feel like I can’t tell him. I bet it would be really hurtful to find out the girlfriend he trusts is saying really bad things to his exes. So I decided that although I’m too scared to tell him, I HAVE to stop doing this, and by stopping I will be turning this aspect of my life into a more positive direction.

Yes I feel really addicted to continue being in contact with his exes. I actually shut down all 3 of my fake accounts a couple of months ago, and thought that meant they were deleted. But then the addiction took hold a week or so later, and I tried logging in to one of them again and could do it just as if it had never been deactivated. And since then I’ve been doing it without thinking, it’s such a habit and compulsion.

Why am I doing this? I’m not totally sure. On one hand, it’s totally bizarre and confusing behaviour to me. These girls I’ve never even met before – who cares if they were with my boyfriend before? I’ve had boyfriends in the past too, and while I check up on them on Facebook sometimes, I don’t feel obsessive or addicted to checking up on them, and don’t feel the need to communicate with them anymore. But I always have trust issues when I date someone – I can’t understand how they would like me and choose me, and I always think they will cheat if they have the opportunity. So I guess I have really really low self esteem, and part of me wonders what was awesome about these girls that my boyfriend dated – do they have something I don’t have? If they are living really happy lives now I feel envious and wish I could have similar happiness. These are the only feelings I really have worked out. I have the urge to “bring them down”, and I don’t know exactly why. I always feel terrible after I say something nasty to one of them, and I’m sure they don’t feel great either!

I appreciate the offer of Email counselling, and I will take you up on that. Thank you so much for your warm support! I feel like crying. I really really feel like a freak, but I have hope that I can crawl out of this dirty hole and rise up to live among loving people (I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s how I feel.) Thanks.

Hi Youthspace,

I never really thought about the “hiding it from my boyfriend/other loved ones” as being a big part of my stress. For my friends and family I guess it’s not such a big deal – I don’t live with them so I doubt they’d find out, so it’s not so much hiding as just not mentioning it to them. As for my boyfriend though, I guess if I didn’t hide it well enough he could find out. I am terrified by the thought. I think him finding out, how much time I’m wasting doing this (unbelievable amounts of hours), and in general the shock of myself having such a horrible side to myself are my biggest fears/disappointments.

Yes it’s definitely a huge rush when I first log in – I’m so curious what the exes have been up to lately (although I still am not sure why), and when I do send a nasty message at first I feel relieved and satisfied. But then soon afterward I start feeling terrible deep in my stomach, and I imagine if I’ve hurt them I feel really bad. I also feel bad for myself, because this behaviour is really ugly and rotten. After reading your second paragraph and what I just wrote, I suppose it does sound like a real addiction! I’ve never been addicted to drugs or alcohol or anything before, so I guess I didn’t think about it in this way. I will definitely look into general addictions resources, thanks for the idea! I havent heard back from email counselling yet though I know it might take a while, so I’ll keep coming back here to talk until I feel I have the strength to beat this thing. Thank you!!