it doesn't seem possible that i'm still here | Youthspace.ca

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- November 13, 2012 at 2:38 am #16372
  
  Dani
  Member
  
  I’m 16, and a wreck. By all rights I shouldn’t be sitting here typing this, I should be dead.
  And I don’t mean that in a “I should never have been born” way, I mean it in a “I can’t believe I haven’t succeeded in committing suicide yet” kind of way.
  I self harmed for ages, I carried enough extra medication around in my bag to kill me for months, I’ve planned my death more times than I can guess.
  I’ve been to emergency for stitches, a panic attack, and an overdose. I’ve stayed in the hospital for a couple days until they thought I was safe to go for now, before they could transfer me to Ledger House–an inpatient care facility for teens with mental health issues. I’ve been on the waiting list for almost a month while they cut my meds in half. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety.
  I’m a 16 year old girl.
  I’m currently failing two courses, I dropped another and the last one is Automotive so really. I used to be a 90 average student.
  I would have killed myself last night if it wasn’t for my friends not letting me go and a friend’s alarm system making it impossible for me to sneak out. I even snuck a knife from her kitchen and slept with it pressed against my body.
  I *SIed today for the first time in months.
  And I can’t talk to my counselor about this, because I can’t handle talking about this to her. Or anyone who has any control or senority, because they all give me the same bullshit ways to try to “cope”.
  Well sorry to burst any bubbles, but none of this is working. All I want is to disappear, and this is coming from me–the girl terrified of death.
  Honestly I would kill myself right now if I knew it would work and I wouldn’t have to deal with consequences.
  It’s all so hard. I can’t handle this, this limbo of being. I’m pathetic.
  And I shouldn’t be alive.
  Just let me die.
  Please.
  
  *edited by Support Team for triggering content
- November 16, 2012 at 7:11 pm #18499
  
  Youthspace
  Moderator
  
  Hi Dani,
  
  I’m sorry for the delay in our response, we had a gliche and the post didn’t go live, but we heard you
  
  Thanks for sharing a bit of what’s been going on… your words are so raw and honest, and really give me a sense of how utterly hopeless everything is feeling. I’m also understanding that these aren’t new feelings – you’ve been here before. You sound so exhausted from dealing with it all, I can hear you saying ‘what’s the point if this is the way it’s gonna be?’ Suicide is so real for you that it sounds like its not a question of if, but when… . Im really worried about you Dani – it really sounds like the pain of living has become too much to bear.
  
  You seem to feel very deeply, and I’m hearing how desperate you are to not feel the ways you feel sometimes, but that you don’t know how to feel any other ways (am I way off?) – almost like your feelings take you hostage. It also sounds like you feel completely alone – like no one really gets you… I sense you’ve had some negative experiences with adult authority (I’m thinking that’s an understatement?) and that you haven’t been able to rely on your counsellor or any other adult for real help and support… that probably just makes everything feel that much more hopeless I’m wondering if you have anyone helping you out right now?
  
  I’m really glad you connected here… you’re not alone, Dani. We want to help you to keep safe (as safe as you can). I know a huge part of you is really done, but there’s also a little part of you that’s still clinging to life…we want to help you hold on… help us help you. We don’t think you’re pathetic, we think you’re strong for facing what you’re facing… stay strong, Dani, and stay connected.
  
  the Support Team.
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