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Wanting it all to end

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    • August 23, 2013 at 11:06 pm #16418
      emmybee
      Member

      I’ve been trying to end my life since elementary school. There’s been this one friend who’s always been there and stopped me but when we graduated from that school we went to different high schools..it killed me because we used to hang all the time. I was okay for the first few months we kept in touch and everything..but half way through the year she moved away..I had no idea where and no idea why..we had no way of contacting each other i became depressed. Started withdrawing from the real world and all my new friends. Some of them didn’t care but there was 2 of them that did. They tried everything to make sure I was okay. But it never helped..I went away in the summer with my dad but he doesn’t want me..neither does my mom..I try everything to make them both so happy along with the rest of my family but nothings ever good enough for them. I can never do anything right for either of them. I’m just one big failure. In grade 10 I started to harm myself. * . My friends never knew neither did my mom. My cousin told my dad but he didn’t care he just said stop playing around. That almost killed me..than came the day I moved with my mom into her new boyfriends house..he hates me. I don’t know why though. Things got so much worse. He has 2 kids. My step sister and I never got along but we started to become closer. I hid that I harmed myself from everyone since I was 8 she hurt herself once and my mom knew right away..so we both got caught in still do it because it takes away the pain I feel inside. I’m not scared to die..I’m just afraid that no one will miss me. I try everyday to keep my head up.. I help others because I can’t help myself. I can’t be helped but other people can be. I’m good at listening so when someone asks me if I’m okay I say yes and then what’s wrong. I can handle them for a while but some nights its gets to be to much I’ve had friends who had killed themselves because they thought they were alone..I was here why didn’t they see that? I miss my friends so much but I’ve cut myself off from everyone because I don’t want them to know my pain or hear my story. I don’t know what else to do know though..I’m lost and I feel so alone all the time.

      *Edited by The Support Team for triggering content.

    • August 25, 2013 at 4:26 am #18841
      Youthspace
      Moderator

      Hi emmybee,

      Thank you for your genuine post and welcome to our forum.
      I can really hear how much you are struggling with your feelings of isolation and failure. It seems like you have been through many challenges in your life and most days you are really hard on yourself and easily take all the blame.

      It sounds like you are in a very dark place right now and you don’t want your friends to know about it, even though a part of you really longs for that interaction. You deserve to be happy and with your friends emmybee, I can hear how much you miss them and how much they mean to you.

      I can imagine that it must be terrifying and horrible to think that no one will miss you when you’re gone. It seems like you really try to be good to everyone and that small thrill of helping others keeps you going. On the other hand, it must be exhausting to listen to others and hold everything you are going through inside. I’m glad you decided to post on our forum, we want to hear what’s going on for you…

      I am certainly worried about you emmybee, when you say that you still self-harm and are not afraid to die. I can understand that is is your way to cope with the pain you hold inside but I am concerned what may happen if things go too far? Will you be able to tell someone at that point? I am also wondering if you have been able to find anything else that helps you manage the pain?

      Please know that we are here for you and truly do care about you.

      The Support Team

    • September 14, 2013 at 8:21 am #18850
      emmybee
      Member

      I’ve got music..thats something that helps sometimes and sometimes it makes things worse..today i ran home from school at lunch crying, i called my mom and she said she couldn’t talk right now, so i called my aunt. neither one of them helped me. im in a new school now, i moved out of my moms place but here i feel so alone. ive made some new friends but there not like my other ones. in this house ive been trying to please my aunt and everyone around here to make them happy. but today i just broke. i’ve had to much going on lately and one of my friends from my old school kept picking fights with me, he didn’t mean to he’s going through stuff too but it still kills me to fight with him and every day he says hes going to kill himself which has me freaking out. i don’t know what to do. i miss my home and my old friends but i cant go back with my mom its worse there. ive stopped harming myself so much now that im here but inside im still hurting. i fake a smile for everyone because i hate when people feel sorry for me, to be honest in my eyes im not the important one everyone else should come before me. Right now i feel so numb like im just disappearing out of my life…maybe im not meant to be in this world…i mean im only causing people trouble when i tell them whats wrong, but i only usually do that when i really need someone to talk to which sn’t often because i don’t want to bother other people with my problems.i’ve had such a rough childhood to begin with, maybe i don’t belong here..idk

    • September 16, 2013 at 2:21 am #18852
      Youthspace
      Moderator

      Hi emmybee,

      It sounds as though your relationship with your mom is difficult right now and that even though you strive to please your family it feels like the weight of that responsibility is causing you to break.

      I can hear how much you care for your friend who is considering suicide and how hard you try to help others in this world. I also hear how reluctant you are to open up to those in your life about your own struggles… it’s as if you’re carrying everyone else’s luggage and yours is in danger of getting left behind or lost without someone to help you. I wonder if there is anyone in your life who you might trust to support you during this time?

      I get the sense that music offers you some comfort amidst the pain in your life but sometimes it actually works against you and intensifies the pain… I wonder if there are certain types of music that you find more soothing than others?

      We are here to listen when you need to talk — we also have a chat service every night 6-11pm PST if you need some more immediate support.

      <3 The Support Team

    • September 16, 2013 at 7:42 pm #18853
      emmybee
      Member

      Depressing music that’s all i can ever really listen to. sometimes it makes me feel better. as for trusting someone with my problems, that’s a laugh, i get stabbed in the back every time i trust someone enough to tell them things. Either that or they start talking about their own problems. no one needs to be bothered by my problems. i turned to you guys because you do this for a living or what ever. I don’t trust people because they always turn on me in the end..i don’t know why. I try everything I can to keep others happy so their okay. I don’t really care about myself that much.

    • September 18, 2013 at 7:10 pm #18855
      Youthspace
      Moderator

      emmybee,
      I really get how unsafe it feels for you to reach out and talk to people about your problems. It hurts to think of you sooo alone, having been back-stabbed or disregarded and rejected everytime you attempt to tell someone how you truly feel. So thank you for trusting us with your heart and your feelings. Your problems DO matter. And you DO deserve to be heard and helped. I’m sorry that hasn’t been your experience.

      Sounds like you work really hard to keep it all together and help others stay happy. But then when it comes to yourself you feel unworthy of that happiness? I want you to know that whatever is going on, you deserve to be supported as much as everyone else in your life!

      It seems like the idea of death sometimes tempts you…like it would be a way to escape? Can you tell me more about your thoughts of suicide? What helps you stay alive?

      Stay connected emmybee, we are here for you when the urge to hurt yourself calls your name.
      <3 The Support Team

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