In the last few weeks things have gotten extremely difficult on every angle. I’ve taken myself away from most online supports and slowly bringing myself back. I still don’t know what I truly need. With tragedy, too my work, to straight to my own health, bills are piling up, having no one, having internal difficulties within myself all the way to the tip top of fears and unwanted jokes. Sure it is a lot to handle and deal with, I just…

With Tragedy: I can’t stand working Sunday nights because I do overnights, so I am done work the next morning. December 10th I received a phone call, I felt a shock of numbness through my whole entire body. 4:52am my cell phone rings and I had come from outside having a cigarette and my cell phone rings… “I wanted to let you know Grandma died this morning…” December 12th got on a train to my family. Once I arrived after a long train ride, I went to the Service. Never seen someone so helpless and with no life in my life. Thursday December 13th the burial took place.

Work: I had a meeting with my boss. He told me upfront he may not be able to make my requests off due to low staff working and no one wants to work Sundays. He discussed that my attendance at work is poor and if I want to remain working after another 3 months I would need to improve. In another three months if I’m a good working they will start benefits for me, my 6th month being there.

Health: Went through a month and half of testing this and testing that, only to find my doctor finding nothing. What really confused me was, my level in inflamed area of my body was really high but another area was really low, so she left it as not a major concern. I got diagnosed with Lactose intolerance, never eating a cheese plate in my life again, when I was told to not have dairy to see if I was getting better. My health is still at shit and I wait in just confusion. I’m getting sick of it. I had to work and a few days before I knew something massive was going to happen, how you can not know. I cant just stop work or leave. There are more tests my doctor could do, but could I really afford them at this point? No charge at all, just missing work for them. Some they would have to put me under and any medication that puts me out, effects me. I can’t miss work but if I don’t do these tests I may in fact miss more work and loose my job.

Bills: Okay, they’re not piling up, because I’ve kept them not piling up. I have to think how I spend my own money and to be honest, I’m not spending it on any shit or junk, it’s going to damn bills and hardly any of it towards food for me or personal products. I attend Chiro once a week for my spine, I pay rent at the end of each month, I pay my cell phone bill at the end of each month, not only that but I recently made a dental appointment to get my teeth checked, another bill, medication (which I’ve neglected to get due to it being expensive) list is endless.

Having No One: I don’t have anyone, but I don’t have anything here where I moved to, no friends, no help, hardly any support. I can’t just call up someone and be like, “wanna hang?” because I have none of that. I go to work, go home and sleep, go to work, sleep. Yes, I do hang out with M but I can’t rely on him all the time.

Inner Shit: Like what the fuck!? I’m killing myself to death here. So much for my family really fucking over my life it’s affecting me and I had no idea it would affect me because, well I guess if you lived with it for 16 years and 10 months your used to it. Once I moved out, I felt those things people needed to do to me, took me a long time to fucking know and believe I never deserved that shit. Now, 19; M says, “I’ll make it up to you sometime,” or “we can go for a drive some time since we didn’t and I promised we would,” he’s beginning to say this more and more and it never happens. I feel like I’m back there, parents promising me shit and months after it actually happens. I feel false hope from M. God I desperately need to go for a fucking drive. This is a conversation M and I had over text;

*removed by the Support Team*

After that, conversation stopped. I just want to go for a drive with him, and talk about the scenery and not worry about shit. I feel I’m relying on him too much! I sent the last message right after he sent me a text (unrelated) and he never responded. He says he’s busy or sleeping when he doesn’t answer his calls or texts but I know he saw that one. I’m overally paranoid about him not replying. It hurts when he doesn’t reply for hours on end or his calls. I’ve considered to give him the silent treatment and see if he does send me a test message back, see how long till he does reply. I can’t wrap my head around this. I don’t like it when he makes promises just, I feel they will never happen and I can’t go through that shit anymore like I did 3 years ago.

I just want a fucking break for fuck sakes! A break from, “how much is my next pay; ill calculate” and promises from M, he’s told me he is calling or would send a text message to me in 30min or an hour, never does. I’m left to wonder what the hell happened. Then I never hear from him for hours. Not only that, ever since I had that meeting with my boss and him telling me the product going out is lacking care, meaning, before it went out in good shape, for awhile now (couple weeks) it’s going out like it got bombed. So, every time I do the product, I’m stressed because I try my best to make it look right and not some shit thing. I get frustrated to the point I threw it in the garbage so hard I missed and it stuck to the floor and when I picked it up, most of half of it was stuck. Then I spent 5 minutes mopping it up before the end of my shift. I’m swearing more and more, I’m being way to hard on myself and those tiny small useless thoughts go throw my fucking head, “this is shit, your useless, work harder!” I used to get everything done all products at 2:30am or 3:30am, now it’s like 5am or 6am. Oh and the advice my boss gave me, fucked me over in my head, going back to my regular routine.

I want to just get away from the people (what fucking people I have no one!) I just need no stress or worries. Never realized stress can cause you to not sleep, like fuck! Not only that, my so called “cousin” who I moved in with, traveling 10 hours from my family of friends to work for her because I had nothing where I lived. Worked for her, then she had the guts to kick me out! I had to find a new job and a new place. It got so bad the last month with her; I lived with M because of her shit. M is baffled at what she has said to me. Now, I’m trying to get my mail and some of that mail, what is inside is my tax returns, I’ve sent her e-mails of days and times I could go over and pick it up, so far; she is busy. I lost it last night and e-mailed her while at work. 5 days which I can stop by and 10 different times, 2 different times for each day. I even offered to stop by on my day off. Oh and if those dates and times wont work, she is going to need to drop them off, I indicated that I’ll be unavailable for a few weeks after that and wouldn’t be able to stop by. I’m kicking myself over this what holds in those envelops are checks and I desperately need it.

Might I Add: I’ve tried doing a ton of things to help myself, one of which I went to a youth group, I’m not going fucking back! Do people ever do is talk about negative shit all the fucking time? What a massive trigger for me, now my head is negative just because I was in a room with them for 2 hours! I asked for a therapist and have one now, I don’t want one anymore! I mean, to be up front, I was doing well with my feelings and crap until all this shit piled up within the same week; (refer back to the following) With Tragedy, Health, Bills, Having No One, Inner Shit and Might I add. I already heard what I knew was going to be said from the therapist, “I’m not sure if I can help you with all of your issues and next time we meet, think about what you would like to see happen if this will be a good fit.”

*take this pain and desperation from me at once!*

*floating on thin air*

Okay back to Might I add; how the hell should I even take that response after spilling my guts out? Maybe I said way to much, maybe more than he could handle? So if he can’t handle what I had told him, may I ask… how in the fucking world am I handling it?! I basically scared him off.

*specific conversation details removed by the Support Team due to triggering content

I beg of you, please delete the #…# again.

I sent M a message: “I… hurt… myself… 7… times… I’m so weak… such a baby… I am! I don’t fucking care about it *** I shall go an retrieve into my shallow shell, such a weak move…”

M replied back: ^removed by Support Team^

I replied back: “It’s not about u M. I have no one here. … this is a side of me, I didn’t want u to ever find out, M. I’m taking this way to fucking… far? Or something… I have depression, end of story, I’m screwed up inside from my parents and I fight it everyday to not let it control me! Doesn’t matter either but, it haunts me, what they didn’t do and did/said to me on a daily basis. I’m here in (City) hoping to start fresh, hit hard when C kicked me out, then my grandma died, which screwed me up. Shouldn’t of went down there… shit happened and I refuse to talk about it.”

Things happened, last March when I went down there, and when I also went down there in October to see my Grandma and then last month, shit happened, stuff was said, things were done, and memories haunted me. I have not told 1 signal human being what happened when I went down there what really happened.

######*######

October: M drove me down to see them. I can’t even begin what happened. I never cried. Everyone cried. I hated being there and wanted to go back home. It felt not home, unsafe, being used, felt like a ticking bomb.

######*######

From all the shit gone on, I had a sex addiction, M saved me from it- he on the other hand doesn’t know about it. I’ve been addicted to over the counter drugs for a short time. I OD last year barely making it, what the doctor told me. I punished myself daily of what my father did to me. M has helped me, he’s the only person I trust and he is human to me, doesn’t use me, he’s gentle, nice, funny, etc., and I fucked up and lost him. I have no one. I sent a text to my co-worker who I’ve bonded with at work, she tells me stuff and I tell her stuff, it never leaves the kitchen. I told her I ^^harmed^^ myself and M doesn’t want to do anything with me. She told me, to give him space and time to think.

Complete… fuck up!

Other things happened but don’t want to go into it. I should leave the past in the past, I need to learn this!

*I need to not remember*

I am fine. ^^^ No- Pain. Just. Alone. Now. Need. To. Think. Of. What. To… Do… Next… With… With… This. Exhaustion. Dead. Inside. End. Of. Story.

*Numb and numb to the bone. I need a few cigarettes*

*This agony wont leave me the fuck alone. Please I beg of you STOP!*

(I’m not wanting to die, I messed up.)

^conversation details removed due to potentially triggering and identifying information

^^changed due to triggering content

^^^removed due to triggering content

#*# removed by Support Team as requested

Sipping tears still remain falling off my shallow check bones, weak to my jaw, running numb from quivering. I have… *In a light whisper* no one.

I don`t know what to do anymore, at all. *Lips pointing downward resting on my weak quivering jaw that ran numb*

*Shhh to a whisper* I have no… one… nothing… stress and paranoid has killed me internally. Weak. Shallow. Numb. *Reaching my hand out to reach for something but nothing is there to grab a hold. Please, don`t leave me!*

Weakness has killed me!

*Dark bedroom. Music playing. Staring at nothing. My remains that are left over, need repair.* Call the hounds in, let them help me! Let them help me! I need a hug… I need… not this!