Hi Terezi,

I think that your title is just fine — it says a lot about the depth of emotion that you’re feeling right now.

It sounds like it’s really wearing on you to find yourself so challenged to trust in your relationships. I get the sense that you’ve been questioning yourself for a long time, wondering why you’re not able to get through the anxious feelings you’re having, even though you want to. It must be hugely frustrating to want to feel okay with your bf — to feel like you should be okay — but then get these moments of stress. I can tell that it is making you angry at your own mind, and deeply saddened by the way that it affects your relationships.

I can hear that you’re looking into the future, and wondering if this is something that might stick with you and create problems in other relationships…and I almost get the sense that though things might not be going well, you stick with your bf partly because you’re worried that this feeling of mistrust might make future relationships more difficult than what you have with him…

Your emotions are very real to us, Terezi, and we’re glad that you put them out here to talk about. Feel free to keep posting here, and to use the chat service, which is open 6-11 PST every night.

-The Support Team

Terezi,

I get the sense that being able to fully trust the person that you’re dating is a big value for you. It seems that the trouble you feel in trusting your bf is shaking the foundation of who you thought that you could even be in a relationship. It becomes about more than just how you feel about him, but also what it means about you that you’re having trouble trusting him. I can hear how much doubt and confusion this is creating.

It sounds like your thoughts are running all over the place, and dragging your feelings with them. You say that your emotions are all twisted and knotted, and it does sound a lot like a crazy bundle of string, where you can’t find the real end, and every time you tug on something that you think might loosen it all up, it just gets worse…

We’re here for you, Terezi, if you just want to keep talking through it and looking for those loose ends.

The Support Team

Hey Terezi,

I can imagine how emotionally draining it must be for you to even think about trusting someone else the way that you have learned to trust your boyfriend in the past year. You’ve come a long way. I can hear the anxiety that arises for you to even consider another long and painful process of learning to trust another.

It seems that trust, for you, is something that takes a long time to build, and is earned and reserved for those who prove that they can be trusted. And even with all that, you still have moments of mistrust that come up. I can imagine that it feels like you have both worked so hard at trust and yet these “irritating moments of skepticism” continue to creep up. It makes me think that your starting to wonder if these moments will ever go away and leave you feeling at peace.

On the one hand, it feels like you will never be able to completely and fully trust someone but on the other hand, you have made so much progress in the past year. I am wondering how it makes you feel to think about where you were at then and where you are at now?

Always here for you,

the Support Team

Hey Terezi,

I’m glad to hear you’re feeling positive about how your relationship with your boyfriend has grown. It seems like by taking things gently and slowly, you’ve found a way to shake some of your doubt and fear. I’d imagine it’d feel kind of amazing to be able to let your guard down with him, to let him in. Though I’m guessing it’s still a little scary at the same time.

I am getting the sense that despite feeling different to other people and worrying about being somehow less able to trust, your journey towards trusting your boyfriend has also brought you some acceptance about having a sensitive trust scale. It seems like now, you kind of have a sense that your trust takes a while to build and so while it sounds like it is still causing you anxiety about what it will be like to form friendships in the future, you’re starting to feel more confident about just taking things step by step and giving yourself the space to learn to trust people.

-The Support Team

Hi Terezi,

I can hear that things have improved in your relationship with your boyfriend as your trust levels rise but that things with friends in your life seem to be more challenging. Do you want to tell us more about these relationships?

We are here to listen and to support you… and don’t forget we have an online chat service every night 6-11pm PST if you want some more support

The Support Team

Hi Terezi,

I can hear how quickly things can escalate within your friendships from peaceful to all-out war and how responsible you feel to stand in the middle as a peacekeeper. I get the sense that when you stand between your friends who are fighting you feel pulled in both directions and feel split right in two pieces. On top of that, it sounds like you feel compelled to determine where the truth lies and are disappointed in yourself that you can’t clearly see whose story is true and who is making theirs up. I’d imagine that all of these feelings must be crashing over you like a tidal wave, pushing you down into the ocean, preventing you from catching your breath.

It sounds as though you took a risk to share your feelings with your guy friend and that he seemed to respect your truth but that you still feel conflicted and overwhelmed despite his understanding. You’ve shared with us how hard you’ve worked on trusting your boyfriend and I’d imagine it seems discouraging to come so far in one relationship only to be thrown back to the beginning in so many others.

The Support team

Hey Terezi,
It’s really great to hear you’re feeling more calm and collected right now. I’m happy to hear you’re enjoying support from your bf and bff – seems their support has really lifted your spirits.

I get the sense that you have worked out some good strategies to keep your cool in those stressful moments – What’s helping you remain relaxed and avoid freaking out?

We really appreciate you sharing your journey here with us
The Support Team

Hi Terezi,
Thank for the updates.

Self harm is a complicated thing, hey? You harmed because it felt like a release — a way to dampen the intensity of the anxiety that you were feeling. In that moment, it probably helped a great deal to have it as an option. Afterwards, though, it sounds like there were aftershocks that were hard to face — you boyfriend’s sadness, and your own anger at yourself. I would imagine that those effects created a bunch more stress that you’ve had to deal with.

I get the sense that it’s like there’s a voice in your head, constantly telling you to expect the worst with your bf and friends, and that even though you know that the voice isn’t really making sense, it’s impossible not to listen to it. I can understand how frustrating that is, Terezi – like you know that the voice is trying to scare you more than you should be scared, but you can’t stop reacting to it.

You talk about distracting yourself when you’re thinking about harming — I’m going to share a page here that has a good list of distractions, just in case you’d be interested in some ideas. We’re also always interested in hearing new ideas, if you want to share any. http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads/Distractions.pdf

The Support Team

Hey Terezi,

It seems to me that the emotional roller coaster that has become your daily life is starting to make you feel physically nauseous as well as totally mixed up and dizzy in your own thoughts. I would guess it’s really hard to know what you really want when your emotions are so unreliable….something might make you deliriously happy one minute and then angry or despondent the next, making it hard to trust those emotions are paying attention to what’s really going on in your life or if they’re just playing their own game with you as their pawn.

I can hear all the pressure you feel in your head from the emotional soup that is trapped and can’t get out, and I get the sense your past is a big part of that soup…perhaps it’s even the spoon that stirs everything else up in your mind and heart?

I know the self harm you mentioned was a little while ago, I’m wondering where your urge to self harm is at right now?

Keep checking in, Terezi…I hope it helps to unload some of what is going on in your head with us

The Support Team

Hi Terezi,
It’s been a while, and that roller coaster doesn’t seem to be slowing down to let you catch your breath…how have you been coping this past week?

I can hear that you are disheartened and disgusted by your state of mind. Seems that the past has a horrific way of sneaking up on you, the present pressing down on you, and all the while your fears of the future suffocate any hope that things will get better….is there anything other than self-harm that helps you gain control or ground yourself in those exhausting moments?

I hope you continue connecting with us and sharing your emotions and thoughts with us. We want to help you find that comfortable mood middle-ground.
~The Support Team

Hey Terezi,
I can really hear how much anger and tension is present in your voice through this post — both at yourself and at the other people in your life. When you’re stressed, the littlest things can set you off or irritate you to no end, making everything even harder to deal with. To top it all off, I get the sense that you’re feeling pretty isolated from most of your friends right now, and the ones that you’re in touch with aren’t helping your heated mood.

Underneath that anger I can detect some guilt — guilt at yourself for lashing out at your friends and slapping your boyfriend, for acting like a “prick”, and “wasting your time” self-harming.

It sounds like what you’re really craving is some sort of an escape. From the way you talk about how you’ve been daydreaming recently it seems like your reality is the last place you want to be. Drifting to that place where everything feels OK and there isn’t anything to worry about or bug you can be a wonderful vacation for the mind — but I’d imagine when reality rushes in and you’re brought back to earth it’s a sobering wake up call.

Thank you for your honesty about self-harm and when/why you use it. I’m curious what some of those other things (alternatives to self-harm?) are for you, the useful things you mention?

We’re here for you.
– The Support Team

Hi Terezi,

It’s nice hear from you again, even if it means that things are feeling really chaotic. And I do get the sense that it’s been a head-spinning time for you in the last couple of weeks. The feeling of being anxiously unsettled seems to be looming really large in different parts of your life right now.

It sounds like in some ways, things have been feeling okay lately — and that it’s eased your mind some to decrease the drinking and overdoses and harming. It seems like it’s probably a relief to be able to live up to the promise that you made to your friends…. But on the flip side, it sounds like everything is nerve-wracking right now, and that maybe it’s really hard to handle without some of those coping methods. Is there anything that you’ve found that seems to help with the feelings of itchy nervousness and anxiety? You must feel run ragged by the fears that keep buzzing around in your head (especially since you’re so tired from the lack of sleep!) and I would imagine that it might be really hard to face stress about your boyfriend when you feel like something might be lurking — some kind of darkness about to fall.

It’s good that you’re allowing yourself to take it easy after the panic attack — it must have felt like a summation of the panic that’s floating around in you…I get the impression, with the panic attack, and the breathing problems you had with the overdose, that the emotions you’ve been experiencing have made themselves very real in a physical way as well. That must be super scary.

I remember that you mentioned previously having a lot of anxiety in your relationship because you felt as though you were having trouble trusting your boyfriend as much as you wished that you could. It must have been a hard moment for you when he told that he was just acting…how are you doing with that feeling of having trouble trusting him? It seems like maybe it’s also mixed up with a fair amount of worry for him, since he seemed to be feeling so low after being sick?

Terezi, I’m glad that you came here to talk about the things that are on your mind. I’ve seen you show a lot of strength in both supporting others here, and in looking out for your own state of mind. We’ll be here beside you as you ride through this storm.

The Support Team

Oh Terezi, I can hear that your break up was bitter sweet for you. I imagine it’s a relief for you to know that the worst has passed between you and him, and that you’ve come through on the other side feeling ok.

I would guess the dark side of this transition now is that you are lonely without a partner to rely on to always be there by your side. How have you been coping lately with all this change in your life?

We’re glad you’re checking in with us when you need to.
The Support Team

Terezi,
It’s good to hear from you again.

I’m really glad to hear that you’re doing somewhat okay, even if things are really hurting and feeling lonely for you at the same time. I can hear how the surprise nature of your breakup was awful, since you were finally feeling somewhat comfortable with how things were going, and you weren’t expecting it to end so abruptly or soon.

On the upside, did it feel good to be making progress in some of the things that you were worrying about, like being able to trust your boyfriend? I would guess that perhaps it feels really bittersweet now to think that you had gotten to such a good point with him. I get the sense that the breakup was painful for both of you…that it was painful when he broke up with you over text, and then painful to see him in person after that. It sounds like you’re still feeling a lot of anger about how things went, and uncertainty about how to move on from what you had. Even though there are these other guys you like, your mind must still be lingering on so many of the things that your boyfriend said, and what he was in your life. Perhaps that’s why dating someone else feels weird right now?

That’s interesting, and a bit frightening, about seeing and hearing things occasionally. Let us know if you do feel like those moments are getting to a point where you feel pretty worried about them…or if you ever want to talk more about those experiences (either here or in the chat).

I think I get that feeling you’re having of wanting to withdraw from having to deal with people – you put a lot of energy into this relationship, and you must be exhausted from working through the feelings around the breakup.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself, Terezi. We’re here if you want to keep talking it out.
The Support Team

Hi Terezi,

It’s nice to hear that things are going okay for you right now. Your last message sounds kind of tentative, like you don’t really trust the ground you’re walking on not to fall out from under you, but you’re determined to walk over it anyway, even if you just take little steps for now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving slowly for a while. And actually, it sounds like it’s helping you find time to think through things and let yourself have some space.

I get how things might feel pretty darn confusing right now, when you’re trying to figure out where things might go with the guy you like (the museum thing sounds really cute and fun!) even as you’re still processing your feelings about your “ex” (that word does seem to come with its own set of assumptions). Clearly the guy you were dating still matters to you in some ways, and it’s important to you to keep a connection with him. I’m glad to hear that you’re working to form your own opinion of how you feel right now.

It sounds like with the lack of sleep, you’ve been feeling kind of jittery and hazy. Running can be a great outlet when you’re feeling agitated. Has it been helping you cope with some of the emotional pressure as well?

It’s interesting that you’re wondering about bi-polar…obviously we’re not the kind of place that can diagnose mental health issues, but if you like, we can post some links here for you that might have more information…

As always, we’re here for you.
-The Support Team

Hi Terezi,

Welcome back! I get the sense that you’re feeling very overwhelmed with certain things and people in your life. It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure .

I can really hear how hurt,angry and betrayed you feel, almost to the point where you feel like you may be losing control.

I’m worried about you and wondering how you are coping with all the stress that has been accumulating? Please know that you are always welcome to chat in 6-11pm PST if you would like someone to talk to about what is happening lately.

Thanks for reaching out,

Youthspace

Hi Terezi,

I’m really hearing how frustrating it was for you to see that we edited your last post and that you’d prefer we remove things that we can’t directly post. So you know for the future, we edit items that have identifying information, triggering/violent content, or anything else that we consider to be inappropriate for our space here. Whenever we do this we try to preserve the intent of the post and always respond to the post in its entirety. I hope that helps you to determine what you’re comfortable sharing here — also if you are interested in a private conversation where only we read what you’ve said you are welcome to visit our live chat any night (6-11pm PST) to speak one on one with us.

I’m getting the sense that your relationship with you boyfriend has been like a stormy sea of emotions since January and that you’ve finally reached calmer waters together with the sunshine peeking out. From what you’ve shared here I hear that you two are really committed to one another and that you are really happy with the decisions you’ve made in this relationship.

It sounds as though other areas of your life are still feeling chaotic – like the sea is churning and threatening to capsize your boat. I’d imagine that it’s upsetting to be yelled at by your family and that having it happen multiple times could really wear you down. Also, losing two good friends sounds painful, even if you understood the reasons that one of them had to end things. I’d imagine it would be frustrating to have one area of your life working out so well with your boyfriend only to have other areas causing so much heartache.

I thought your image of sharks circling was really ominous and I hope you’ll continue to check in here to let us know you’re still safe in your boat.

Youthspace

Hi Terezi,

I’m really glad that you’ve taken the time to check in with us again. I’m getting the sense from your post that things are feeling uncertain for you right now and that you feel like maybe you’re close to being catapulted into the stormy seas to swim with those sharks after all. I wonder what might be keeping your boat above water right now and what might be dragging it under the waves?

We are here to listen and to support you Terezi throughout whatever may be going on in your life.

Youthspace

Hi Terezi,
There is really no need to apologize! We are here for you when you have time. I’m thinking that perhaps the email counselling available on our site might be a more direct approach to you getting the sort of support you need. Have you tried that service? As you know, we aren’t able to offer advice here, but the email is with a professional counsellor, so they might be able to offer more direction than us. Just a thought.

I really respect your selfawareness, and realization that you need support with some of the things going on in your life. I hope you have some supportive people around you right now. If you want to tell us more about what’s going on we are happy to work through things with you in your own time.

Here for you,
Youthspace