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  • #16456

    Nie
    Member

    I am still being taken over by the thoughts ive had for years. I think im fat and overweight. people comment on me being too skinny and needing more meat on my bones, but to mee it just sounds like they are targeting me for their own benefit. theres no way for me to look at myself and see a perfectly sized girl. I *purge at least once everyday to get rid of my weight. for every meal I eat I usually *purge after it and ive been trying to eat one a day but a friend is forcing me to eat lunch and my parents are forcing dinner. its painful for me and I can feel myself getting more and more out of control. I was panicking all night last night and got only 2 hours of sleep *

    I ended up sleeping in English class and *purging up my lunch and being late because of it but this is just the vicious cycle I am in and I want to change it but not at the same time.

    I bought a dress today and it makes me look kinda pretty but I still feel fat seeing as it was a LG not a medium or small and I hate that fact.

    how can you hate yourself sooo much but still want to make sure you don’t actually accidentally kill yourself… its weird I know. im weird.

    *Edited by The Support Team

  • #19078

    Sparrow
    Member

    I understand what you are feeling so well. I have am in it right now as well and I have been out of it too. I know what it feels like to love yourself and feel free of the hateful cycle. You are worthy to feel happiness and you are deserving of all the love and compassion you receive from others and what you give yourself. I just want you to know that the battle can end and to have hope that you will get through it and be sooo much stronger on the other side of it. Keep fighting Nie!

  • #19079
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Nie,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like your relationship with your body and with food has a long and complicated history that has occupied your mind for a long time.

    I get the impression that the person you see in the mirror every day and the person your friends see in front of them is totally different. When your friends comment on how thin you are, you simply can’t believe them. Their reality is not your reality. You’ve gone to great lengths to structure your life around avoiding and getting rid of food — to the point that it’s interfering with your day to day life.

    I can hear how the dress you bought gave you a glimmer of hope and happiness about your appearance, only to have this pleasant feeling snatched away by the realization that it was a size large. You mentioned that there’s a part of you that wants to break the vicious cycle you’ve been drawn in to — how do you envision that change beginning?

    Feel free to continue to access support via the forum, or chat in to Youthspace between 6-11 PM Mondays to Thursdays, or 6-12 PM on Friday and Saturday.

    <3 The Support Team

  • #19084

    Nie
    Member

    my parents found out and are forcing me to eat 3 meals a day and not purge at all… I am having problems with this because i am uncontrollably bingeing and i cant purge* so it sits there and i sit there and i get suicidal.. they ay its for my safety but if im wanting to kill myself is that really safe?

    *Edited by Support Team

  • #19087
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Nie,
    I can hear how exposed you feel. It sounds like this loss of control has your mind and heart spinning out of control. Having your eating habits have been disrupted and monitored by your parents — who feel they are acting out of concern for your health — has had the converse effect, as you feel your life is in danger to suicide. Purging was a way for you to feel in control of your food intake and maybe even cope with other feelings. Now that these habits have been invaded I can hear that you are left feeling lower than low, at a loss as to how to cope after bingeing, unable to purge.

    I imagine that in those moments you feel a level of self-loathing so unbearable that suicide comes to mind. Can I ask, do you have a plan to end your life? I’m also wondering if you have found any other ways to cope in those panic-stricken moments.

    We really appreciate your honesty with us Nie. Know that we are on your team. I hope that if you find yourself moving towards suicide that you will call 911 or another crisis service.

    Here for you,
    The Support Team

  • #19090

    Nie
    Member

    i have a plan and everytime i want to use it something gets in the way like life or just the fact i have no energy to do it. i don’t think i want to die this week since im going to go on a school ski trip for 3 days without my parents so i actually have a chance to lose the weight ive gained. and i have to say boy oh boy will i have missed purging… im so excited just to be in control again for a couple days!

  • #19091
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Nie,

    I can really hear how much you are looking forward to your time away from the pressure of monitored eating. It seems like the anticipation of feeling in control again is getting you through the week and lessening your desire to end your life. I can imagine how happy you must feel to have something immediate to be excited about.

    I get the sense that this trip feels like a well deserved break that will bring some temporary relief from your suffering and allow you to regain that control of at least one aspect of your life. I’m pretty worried though to imagine you engaging in your habits of disordered eating for three full days. While your excitement for this trip is currently keeping you alive, I’m wondering how you can stay alive when you return to purging?

    As I’m sure you know, bulimia can cause longterm health complications, so my concern is for your body now and in the future. Do you know when/where to draw the line? How do you stay safe?

    Let us know if you want to explore other options to cope. There are some incredible resources in our world and we want to support you in feeling this level of control in your life. You are worth fighting for Nie.

    Thank you for your courage in being so open with us.
    Sending warm wishes for your ski trip,
    The Support Team <3

  • #19093

    Nie
    Member

    best 3 days ever! even though I almost backed out at the top of the hill on of the days it was amazing! I love snowboarding and it made me feel so alive. its going to be hard to go back to life at home…

  • #19095
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Nie,

    It really sounds as though the last few days have been a breath of fresh air for you after such a heavy time. I can hear that you’re unsure of how to return to your life and the pressures it brings you.

    I wonder if you had an opportunity to think about the questions we posed to you in our last response Nie? We want to support you any way that we can and I want to reiterate our offer to share with you some resources for coping if you need them. We are here to listen in the good times as well as the tough ones.

    <3 The Support Team

  • #19098

    Nie
    Member

    I don’t really care about the effects of bulimia on my body *. I don’t like being back and I want to have a longer breath!!!! what ways would there be to cope with feeling so unattractive** you ant to die at points? I cant think of there ever being any…

    *Triggering content removed by The Support Team
    **Edited for content by The Support Team

  • #19105
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Nie,

    Thanks for being honest with us. I really appreciate that you are letting us know exactly how you’re feeling about things. Seriously.

    I know that it’s not as simple as either wanting to lose bulimia from your life or not. I can hear how it has been something that has given you a sense of control, and also been important to you as you search for a way to feel okay about your body. I understand that the thought of having this control taken away makes you feel very anxious and uncomfortable. I can respect that. It also seems, though, that there are moments when you feel like you are trapped in the cycle that bulimia creates, and that you’re tired of the constant thoughts that seem to come along with it. It sounds like many of those thoughts take you down a rabbit-hole of self-loathing, Nie. I get the sense (correct me if I’m wrong) that sometimes you want to escape what you called this “vicious cycle”.

    I wish that I had the answer, of what would help you avoid those suicidal thoughts. But ultimately I believe that you are the only person who knows what you need to stay safe. You spoke about snowboarding and how alive it made you feel — is there anything else that helps create some light in the darkness for you?

    We have lots of resources (like lookingglassbc.com and proud2bme.org) around disordered eating and some valuable distractions or coping skills lists too if those interest you…

    Here for you,
    The Support Team

  • #19108

    Nie
    Member

    nothing really creates light for me except snowboarding and friends sometimes. that’d be awesome to have some ways to cope sometimes. my parents literally have taken health insurance out on me so when we go to the states if I die they wont be in debt…. supportive parents… * its crazy!!

    *Triggering content removed by The Support Team.

  • #19110
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Nie,

    I get the sense there are a few bright patches in what continues to be for the most part an overwhelming darkness. I’m glad to hear you’re open to exploring new ways to cope, I wonder if you’ve had a chance to check out those websites we listed and if so what you think of them? (You’re allowed to tell us you don’t want to check them out, too, no pressure)

    I would imagine it’s hurtful for you to know your parents are preparing for your death with insurance while travelling, as though they are boiling your life struggles down to a financial matter. I am guessing it leaves you feeling very misunderstood that they miss the mark on what really matters to you, and what you really need them to support you with.

    I’m glad you keep talking through things with us, Nie.

    <3 The Support Team

  • #19119

    Nie
    Member

    I have sort off looked at them. I have this weird plan I might go through with. its kind of out there but at least I will get to be free from my current life

  • #19121

    Nie
    Member

    ive also noticed that everytime after I eat I get sooo irritable and bitchy and like I want to punch everyone in the face. I don’t want to communicate and have a short temper… im better when I have an empty stomach

  • #19129
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Nie,

    Thanks for answering our question. It seems like right now it’s hard to face things straight on, and you’d rather not have to deal with parents or questions, or any of this. I get the sense that you’d rather just be left alone, or given a way to escape from it all. The statement about having a “weird plan” makes me scared for you, and I really hope that it’s not a suicide plan, but perhaps a different way to get a break from everything that has had you trapped? I won’t pressure you to tell us what that plan is, but know that we’re here if you choose to share.

    I can hear how uncomfortable and unpleasant you feel when you’re full. It sounds like that might be really connected to some of the control that you feel when you are purging — I imagine you feel out of control and unhappy when you are full, and that it makes your temper shorter than it might usually be?

    We’re here as you sort these feelings out, Nie.
    The Support Team

  • #19131

    Nie
    Member

    it isn’t suicide, but id be dead to myself so whats the difference! if that plan doesn’t work out I think id be driven to suicide as my only option now. my mom got me workbooks which makes me soo angry I want to rip them up and burn them but im not allowed to. im gonna leave my home and al that will be left are those books in shreds I think…

  • #19135
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Nie,

    I get the sense from your other forum posts that you’re losing hope on the things and people that normally help you to alleviate the awful emotions and thoughts that have taken over in your life. It seems to me you’re lost in a sea of hollow coping strategies which, like the workbooks, aren’t helping all that much. In fact, it sounds like having those workbooks forced on you has really pissed you off and that you’re embarrassed your mom would think something like that would help.

    I’m getting the sense that your plan is to run away from home, am I right in hearing that? Or maybe I’ve missed the mark? It worries me to hear you describe it as a way to become dead to yourself…it makes me think that although your life might not be at risk, your being is, does that make sense? It sounds like you’re hoping to put an end to the things that make you who you are, and I imagine you’re extremely fed up with the way things are to want to do that.

    I can hear how bleak things have become for you, and how desperate you are for a release from what’s troubling you. I feel uneasy knowing how alone you feel, and misunderstood by those you are closest to. We’ll be here for you as long as you need us, both on this forum and on the live chat from 6pm-11pm (and ’til midnight on Fridays and Saturdays) if you’d like to have a more back-and-forth conversation with us.

    The Support Team

  • #19145

    Nie
    Member

    I did run away from home… * andmade it pretty far away from my parents. im now in a foster home and still trying to be skinny. ive gotten myself into a better life I think…

    *Edited by the Support Team for identifying information

  • #19146

    Nie
    Member

    ive gotten into smoking weed more and more because of one laced dose I had while I was a runaway… now im addicted. its insane but I feel like my life is better even tho im doing drugs and have the same habits for the most part…

  • #19147
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Nie,

    I really appreciate that you’ve checked back in with us now that your new situation has stabilized. We like to hear how you’re doing and what’s going on in your life.

    It sounds like your circumstances have improved in some ways since you last posted on the forum. Whereas before you were feeling the pressure and strain from your parents, your new environment in a foster home provides you with some hope for the future. Though you’re experiencing drug addiction and an eating disorder, it seems like in some intangible way, things have improved for you, if only slightly.

    I get the sense that your weight is still a pressing concern for you and you’re still taking measures to restrict your food intake. This worries me Nie. It seems that even though it feels like your life is improving, your habits have remained the same and your health continues to be compromised.

    I can hear how smoking weed has become a new coping mechanism that devolved into dependence fairly quickly. I can imagine that it gives you some relief from the pain that you are going through and provides you with a temporary distraction. Your courage to experiment with street drugs as a way of coping scares me, especially knowing that they can be laced. I am wondering if you have been able to talk to anyone about your addiction? Please know that you can always chat in and talk to us live about this if you would like more support.

    Thanks for your updates, we will continue to be here for you.

    The Support Team <3

  • #19148

    Nie
    Member

    I haven’t been able to talk to anyone because I haven’t wanted anyone to know… im supposed to be a good kid

  • #19150
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Nie,

    I’d imagine it’s hard trying to deal with all of this on your own. It sounds as though you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself because you think people have an idea of who you should be. At the same time I can hear how alone you feel with your addiction, and that you want to be able to talk to someone who won’t judge you. I’d imagine you feel isolated without someone in your life you can share your worries and feelings with.

    I’m glad you keep sharing what’s going on for you with us.

    <3 The support team

  • #19151

    Nie
    Member

    i told a teacher I thought I could trust and now im walking on the eggshells I was trying to avoid. if I come to school even smelling of pot I will be kicked out and my parents notified and I will want to kills myself because it would be like I was already dead. if my parents found out I would be dead they would probably destroy my life even further just as I was building it back up on my own. I hate the fact my life could be destroyed again!

  • #19152
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Nie,

    From the beginning of this forum thread you’ve talked about the feelings of self-hate and pain that sometimes make you feel like you wish that you were dead. The last couple of posts, you’ve mentioned still having some of the same habits, but also feeling like things have been looking up a bit. In light of that bit of relief, I can imagine how crushing it was to tell someone and end up in a situation where you feel like things might crumble back to the way that they were… that must be really disappointing and frightening.

    You’ve talked about wanting control before, and it seems like you’re probably feeling very stripped of it right now. :( From what you’ve said, it sounds like you might be feeling like you’re trapped in a room that just keeps getting smaller.

    We’re here if you want to talk through any of what’s going on for you. I can only imagine that it must feel really stressful and unbearable at points to be under so much scrutiny and pressure, and we’re here if you just need to vent.

    The Support Team

  • #19153

    Nie
    Member

    its hard to cope sometimes when you deal with sooo much at once! how do people do it? * it makes me worry on how im going to get a job where they’ll just accept me for me. * I worry every single day about it among everything else!

    *Edited by The Support Team for identifying information

  • #19154
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    I can really hear, Nie, how anxious you are about whether your past will affect your future goals (like finding a job). I imagine it’s scary to think that you will carry the weight of that past as though it is chained and locked to your ankle, holding you back from wherever you want to go next.

    I would guess that you’re incredibly overwhelmed by the hardships you have had to face in your life, and that trying to cope with all that has in itself been stressful for you. I get the sense your coping has felt like treading water, that you struggle every day to keep yourself afloat and are running out of energy to keep going. Is there anything you’ve tried recently that helps you cope, helps you rest your weary arms and legs and keeps you floating without so much of a fight?

    We’re glad you keep connecting as you try to find your way <3

    The Support Team

  • #19155

    Nie
    Member

    ive tried pills and drugs, nothing seems to work so far sleep is when I rest these days.

  • #19156

    Nie
    Member

    not to mention I kinda *self-medicate and im not in control of that…

    *Triggering content removed by the Support Team

  • #19157
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Nie,

    I get the sense that things are pretty bleak…It sounds like maybe things have reached a level of stress where you just kind of shut down, and nothing seems to give relief except for sleep or the ease that some of the pills can bring. It’s really hard when you feel like it’s easier to be unconscious than conscious. :’(

    Is it more that you’re feeling like you sleep to escape emotional pain that haunts you through each day, or that you are feeling just so completely numb and tired that nothing else seems possible?

    You talk about taking pills, and I worry that you might take dangerous amounts sometimes without feeling in control (needing to dull the feelings?) — do you think you would be able to get some medical help if you ever needed it, if you took way too many?

    I get the sense that you feel terribly trapped sometimes, and powerless. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    <3
    The Support Team

  • #19159

    Nie
    Member

    I probably take more than the safe amount sometimes bout it doesn’t seem to affect me at all. I just like feeling numb and out of it for sure cause its also why I get high a lot

  • #19161
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Nie,

    Thanks for being honest with us about how much (and why) you’re using medications to numb things. I can tell that it’s difficult to cope with the feelings you’ve been having, and that getting high or taking too many pills has given you relief in some of the worse moments.

    You mentioned that the school has gotten pretty strict about your pot use…do you find yourself taking pills more often because that other way of coping isn’t available anymore? Do you think you’d be willing to get help if you started to get any worrisome physical symptoms?

    Nie, I can hear how difficult — how much of a fight it is – to just keep going every day, and how it often seems bearable only because of those things that help you feel numb and distant from the heavy emotions. <3

    -The Support Team

  • #19163

    Nie
    Member

    kinda hard yeah im deciding to do less stinky drugs now if I can get ahold of them which im sure I can… which I know is stupid but I need to

  • #19167
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Nie,

    It definitely sounds like you feel there are no other options for you to cope with the bleakness you’ve been feeling for so long.

    Are there any other avenues you’d be willing to explore to help move away from the need to numb yourself from the heavy emotions you face daily?

    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us.
    <3 Youthspace

  • #19169

    Nie
    Member

    I used *drugs last night and had sex with a 40 ear old man.. im a **teenager…

    *Edited for content by Youthspace
    **Edited for identifying information by Youthspace

  • #19170

    Nie
    Member

    what am I doing!?

  • #19171
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Oh Nie I can really hear how lost you’re feeling and how confused you are by your own actions. I’m really scared for you because it really seems like you are acting in a way that even you don’t understand and there doesn’t seem to be anyone in your life that you feel safe opening up to. I get the sense that the situation you found yourself in last night could have ended up being really unsafe and I could be wrong but it seems like maybe you scared yourself as well?

    I’m really grateful that you see this as a safe space to share what’s going on for you and I hope you’ll continue to do so… also please remember that we are here every night 6-11pm PST to support you through our live chat if you need us. We are here for you Nie.

    <3 Youthspace

  • #19177

    Nie
    Member

    again tonight…

  • #19178

    Nie
    Member

    and again…

  • #19179

    Nie
    Member

    now I feel slutty

  • #19181
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hey Nie,

    I get the sense that you’re calling out for help here because things are feeling pretty out of control and shaky. It sounds like you are questioning why you’re having sex with this man, and that you have your doubts because of the age difference and how it’s making you feel. I feel some concern for you, Nie, and I wonder if you feel like this is something that is safe and consentual for you? Please know that we believe that you should feel comfortable in making choices that are healthy for your own mind and body. <3

    It seems like things are moving quickly for you and seeming really chaotic…how are you doing right now, Nie?

    <3 Youthspace

  • #19182

    Nie
    Member

    did you guys phone me in!?!?! the ministry somehow got informed of me…

  • #19183
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Nie,

    I get the sense that you are angry and upset that the ministry knows about you and your story. I am going to be honest with you and let you know that yes, we did have to report the sexual activity between you and this older man. Being that you are considered below the age of consent this man’s involvement with you is considered abuse, and we have a legal responsibility to report all abuse.

    We truly value your voice here, and want to continue being a place of support for you.

    I’m sorry that we weren’t able to explain this to you directly, and would encourage you to access the live Chat (evenings 6-11pm PST) which may be a more appropriate avenue for these conversations. If you want to discuss this policy I encourage you to contact staff at support@youthspace.ca

    I hope that you will continue to speak with us here. We care about you and your safety, and hope you understand that we have a legal responsibility to report abuse of this nature.

    Here for you,
    Youthspace

  • #19184

    Nie
    Member

    it was consensual!!!!! and thanks for nothing… im deleting my account now. ugh

  • #19186
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Nie,

    We’re so sorry that our call has caused you stress and anger. If you have questions about our obligation to report, please do contact us at support@youthspace.ca.

    We understand if you don’t feel comfortable sharing here in the same way that you did, and if you choose to delete your account. I’m sorry to think that we’ve left you feeling possibly betrayed and hurt, and I can understand if that makes it difficult to share. Know that if you ever do want to come back and talk, you will be welcome. We do care, and wish to support you however we can.

    If you need somewhere to vent or talk but don’t want to post here or use our chat, you can also try out youthinbc.com (they have a live chat service and crisis line).

    <3 Youthspace

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