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  • #22546

    Rio_Rion
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m kind of new here and if I can be honest I’m not quite sure what I can do anymore. This is my last try and alternative for getting help. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety and so much other things my whole life now and I feel like this is it, it’s starting to take over. I feel like I’m going insane now and nothing that I use to do distracted me or made me feel at ease. I’ve given up just a little bit and no longer have hope for myself. So this is my last try for reaching out and getting help once again.

    Thank you for anyone reading this at least.

  • #22548
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Rio_Rion,

    Welcome to youthspace.ca. I’m glad that you did post here – and that you were honest with your words. I can hear that you’re struggling to see through the haze of anxiety and depression, and that it’s been a LONG battle for you. I can imagine that it’s exhausting to bring up these things and to scrape together the energy to reach out when you’ve tried so many paths, without feeling like you’ve made progress.

    I get the sense that you feel a shift within yourself, like things have gotten even worse. Like the bit of hope you were clinging to has been fraying. I can imagine it feels both saddening and terrifying to feel as though you’re closer to that edge….but maybe it’s also just hard to feel anything anymore? I wonder if you’ve been thinking about suicide?

    I read your words. And I found them to be compelling. I hope that you are able to keep reaching for help. Remember that we have email counselling and live chat also available on this site. We’re here for you.

    Youthspace Support Team

  • #22551

    Rio_Rion
    Participant

    Point blank, yes I have thought about suicide. I have been planning for three weeks now and I will do it on the last week of October either on the 26 or around the 30th and 31st. I’m scared but also tired with the way I’ve been feeling and I don’t know anywhere else I can receive help. I feel like I am in a corner trying to pathetically save myself from the monsters in front of me. Maybe I am entering the brink of insanity but I want it to go away so bad.
    I have tried every resource I have but it seems that they have strangely disappeared or they have restrictions on how many people can post for a day or something, and it is an absolute nightmare trying to make time for scheduled times on when people are available. And I am not quite ready to go in the hospital to receive help any time soon.
    I am not even quite sure this would help me

  • #22555
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Rio-Rion,
    From what you’ve shared, I imagine you’re in incredible pain and feeling as if there is nowhere left for you to turn. It sounds like you feel isolated and are struggling with all this on your own. I’d bet that would be exhausting and completely disheartening, like screaming into the wind. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you decided to give one last try and reach out to us.

    I’m really worried about you when you say you are planning to end your life before the end of October. I can only imagine how hopeless you feel right now and how desperately you want things to change. I hear you when say that you’re trying to save yourself from monsters. It sounds like a battle you’ve been fighting for a long time and now you really need someone to fight along side you. Please know that we want to support you as best as we can.

    I understand how serious you are about suicide and at the same time, I get the sense that you really want help staying alive. We will do everything in our power to help you. Our chat service is available from 6pm to midnight PST, if you need someone to chat to about anything. We also offer e-counselling through our website: http://youthspace.ca/email/. If you wanted to share your geographic location, I could also provide you with the number of a crisis line in your area.

    You mentioned feeling like you’re not ready for the hospital and I wondered what do you think would be useful for you now?

    I really hope you will stay in touch.
    Youthspace Support Team.

  • #22558

    Rio_Rion
    Participant

    I am frighteningly serious about my demise, it scares me on how dark I am now. I have this attuide where I don’t care what I do anymore because i always think ‘I’ll be dead in a few days tops.’
    I have every crisis hotline saved on my phone, in case I really couldn’t go through with it, and have someone talk me through my feelings, and stuff.
    I don’t really know how to help myself anymore, or what can be useful to me. I don’t find a lot of things to work for me.

  • #22566
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    ​Hey Rio_Rion,

    I can hear how little hope life holds for you, and it sounds like everything in your daily life is losing meaning for you too. It sounds as though you’re sitting in an in between space, waiting for change. I imagine that’s exhausting and frustrating, and perhaps hopeless at times.

    I am so glad that you have saved so many numbers…and yet I also get the sense that you aren’t receiving the kind of support you need right now. Do you have people to turn to in those most challenging moments? You deserve support right now and we want to be here for you.

    I can hear how much planning you have put into these dates, and I’m concerned. I’m curious what’s kept you alive until these dates.. and if there’s anything special that draws you to the specific dates you have planned. Has anything changed for you in the last fews days since you posted here?

    I can hear how at a loss you are of what could help.. my sense is that you have fought and tried to fix things for so long that you feel now there’s no energy left for that fight. I’m really worried about you, as from you posting here I’m sensing that at least a little part of you wants to be alive, even if you’ve lost hope for how that can be a possibility for you. I know we have mentioned chatting in before, and I really encourage you to come and talk to us over chat if you are posting from Canada (open 6-midnight PST every night). I’m curious if you think you might be able to come in and chat with us (or another service) before you takes steps to end your life when your planned for date come?

    Thank you for continuing to connect with us and share your story. I hope you are able to share your thoughts of suicide with someone else in your life who cares and supports you too. These are heavy thoughts to be alone dealing with. <3

    - Youthspace. <3

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Youthspace Youthspace.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Youthspace Youthspace.
  • #22569

    Rio_Rion
    Participant

    No. I currently have no one who is aware of the situation or that can really help me right now. I don’t want them to be aware that I’m struggling at the moment. I’m tired of always depending on them and stuff. I usually feel like a burden for them cause I’m usually the one that helps them keep their life together. Or they usually don’t care to know to listen to me. I don’t know. I feel like anyone who is higher authority over me tends to show a fake care towards me, and I don’t like that feeling of being seen as a very weird kid, an outcast, something that’s very hard for me to explain.

    I don’t think support can help me. I think I’m too far gone now for support to do anything to help me out. I’m just waiting for the uneventful day I finally might get peace, and stop hurting for once.

    When this year started I knew that something was going to happen, something really bad. I didn’t know what it was, and I was really uncertain of it. When the school year started, this feeling hit me full force, and I knew what it was or what was going to take place for me. I was finally going to peak in to my insanity or I was going to die. Given a few circumstances you can say that both have and are going to happen.

    Everyday it has been getting worse since September, my emotions would go to the max and stay there, the only thing I could do is push it aside and get back to the most important thing at the moment, like school, homework and surviving my life.

    I don’t have a lot of connection to the month October other than that it’s my favorite month. The dates are the same way, other then the fact that in the middle of this week there is going to be a full moon…***

    This week, is my final week. I have planned to die on these certain dates, but given anything I will commit on any day during this week.

    ***

    ***edited by support team for potentially triggering content.

  • #22574
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Rio_Rion,

    It’s good to hear from you; we’re really worried that you have chosen this week as your last. I can really hear how hopeless you’re feeling in life, and that you are completely alone with the reality of your situation. Seems there are people in your life that you support, and I imagine that makes you an incredible friend to people, but that you don’t feel comfortable accessing support from them. I can imagine you feel precarious, and it seems overwhelming to even think about telling someone how you’re feeling – especially if it seems like they might not truly care, or might look down on you somehow. The fact that you feel support at this point is hopeless really scares me…I get the sense that you are struggling to see a future that doesn’t involve suicide.

    It sounds like you’ve been sliding downhill awhile.. I can imagine how exhausting that sense of doom that you were carrying would have been. You say that there are circumstances that might push you faster down that hill.. I’m curious what these circumstances are – ? How have you managed to deal with them happening so far this year? We’re here if you want to tell us more about the feelings of insanity.

    I’m really worried about you Rio_Rion…from you posting here it shows me that even a little part of you is still living. I can hear how desperate you are, and increasingly numb you feel, but I wonder if there is a way to help or some sort of services I can help you get connected to?

    It sounds like your plans for suicide are becoming more and more real. If you are scared for your life, I encourage you to please call emergency services (911). I truly believe, no matter how hard it is for you to see right now, that your life is precious and that you deserve to live a life free from such suffocating pain. I would like to try and help make that a possibility. If you are open to connecting via Chat, or sharing your information here, we will be grateful to send some help to you in this, your darkest hour.

    <3 Youthspace.ca

  • #22577

    Rio_Rion
    Participant

    Did you guys not hear what happened?
    Some one called the police after reading the first post that I wrote from all the way in Vancouver, and the cops appeared in front of my door at night wanting to take me to the hospital where I was involuntary emitted into the hospital for two weeks. No, I don’t feel better but I don’t feel sad either. I have a huge patch in my life including school from if I miss a day from class, I miss everything. There’s huge tension in my house and not a lot of people would know where I’ve been unless I have told them. So I’m overwhelmed, more confused about my identity, and every last fiber of passion I have has left me. So this will be the last try for me, I am going to horribly adapt to me surroundings, my major depression, my PTTSD and my anxiety the best I can cause I realized nothing can help, and that only I can make myself better. With or without a forced smile, “I just have to do me.”
    But thanks though for listening to me and stuff. At least you tried

  • #22585
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Hi Rio_Rion,

    I’m glad to hear from you. I can imagine the last few weeks have been a huge upheaval, causing serious disruption to your life. Unwanted and likely unwelcome! Sounds like you have lost even more hope, and are left in a very discouraged place. The tone of your post here is foreboding, and I’m curious to learn more about what you mean by your “last try”. I’m hearing you say that only you can make yourself better – I’m wondering if you feel empowered to improve your health, or if you have a plan to make big changes?

    You said that after the hospital visit ‘every last fiber of passion’ has disappeared. I hear the numbness that you are living in – like a fog bank has blanketed any hope or passion you once had.

    I hope you know we want to keep listening, and supporting you in ways that work for you. What do you think are your next steps? Is there anything we can offer to support you in your journey?

    Here for you,
    Youthspace.

  • #22670

    Rio_Rion
    Participant

    It’s been three days now, and I hadn’t left to go to school for any of them. I have nothing that’s keeping me from going other than the fact that I just don’t want to go, and I’m comfortable staying in my bed, at home, in the dark sleeping and thinking the days away. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?

  • #22675
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    Welcome back to the forum, Rio_Rion,
    I can hear how frustrated you are that you have not been able to motivate yourself to go to school. I get the sense that while you actually do not mind school, it has been so hard to find the energy to get out of the cocoon of depression you find yourself in. I can hear how badly you want that to change. I’d imagine this could leave you wondering why this is happening to you and when all these overwhelming emotions will stop disrupting your life. It sounds like you’re quite isolated, laying in your bed alone with these all these thoughts. I’m glad you were able to reach out to us, and I welcome you to chat in through the live chat/texting service if you would like some more immediate responses and support. In the meantime, I am wondering if there is anyone you have been able to turn to over the last three long and difficult days? Please know we are here for you if you need to talk, we want to hear from you. <3
    Youthspace

  • #22676

    Rio_Rion
    Participant

    Nope, just you guys. It’s been hard to message you guys on the online chat because of the different time zones. I’ve been taking my meds regularly to help calm me down, but that’s the only action I’ve been taking for myself. I do have other support and resources, but I just don’t reach out to them, I don’t know why. I guess I’m scared of what they’re going to say, I’ve been doing so well and now I’ve relasped.

    I don’t know I’ve been acquiring very nasty habits, when bored just eating. And eating everything in general. I’m not hungry or anything I just need to do something with myself. I have been ignoring my studies, and avoiding people. I just don’t want to try to anymore because I feel like it won’t make any sense at the end. I’m ready to accept my failure at life and having no one really there for me other than the people I might meet throughout the time and path of my no good life. I just really don’t know what to do everyday and year is like I get worse and I don’t know why. I don’t want to be this way, and my mental state is too corrupted now to pretend and ignore what I’m going through like before.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Youthspace Youthspace.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Rio_Rion.
  • #22687
    Youthspace
    Youthspace
    Moderator

    I hear you on the frustrations that can be time zones. Sounds like it can be hard to reach out to start off with, without the added complexity of time zones. It also seems like there are some other people in your life that you really care for, so much so that you are hesitant to reach out to them for fear of how they may view your relapse. I wonder if there is someone you feel safer with or if there is a way you would want to reach out to someone?
    I image it feels safe and comfortable to turn to these habits (something that has been a constant?). It all sounds so exhausting, like the energy has leached out of you and you just want to nest in your room. I have a neat list of distraction that might help give you something else to try out, a start to something perhaps?
    http://sirius-project.org/2011/08/16/distractions-and-alternatives-to-self-harm/ (Though it says its ‘alternatives to self-harm’ I find so many of the ideas can be used by anyone needing a distraction or alternative activity). I would love to hear if anything on this page jumps out at you.
    We are here for you <3
    Youthspace

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