My sense is that life seems so exhausting for you right now… that working up the effort to stay strong and maintain hope for the future seems like a never-ending battle. I can appreciate that having fought so hard for so long, it is now a challenge to imagine a light at the end of the tunnel. I can hear that your fears about the future, your music career are weighing really heavily in your heart right now. I’m getting the feeling that being able to fantasize about having someone save you from a suicide attempt offers an escape from the pain and fear of what is to come…?
The way you spoke of suicide as self-harm is really powerful….like thinking of suicide can be a way to punish yourself at times.
It sounds to me like suicide seems like a way to escape it all — that it’s not necessarily death that you want, but rather a relief from all the stress and pain that you have to deal with daily…? I imagine that the thoughts of suicide can still get really loud though, and death might seem to take over your entire brain at times.
Thank you for reaching out to us, and I’m so glad you’re talking with your counselor and girlfriend. I can hear how scary it can be to seek support. I’m inspired by your determination to be yourself and keep going, especially when things seem so bleak.
The Support Team.