March 21, 2013 at 7:23 am #16395ZECAMember
I’m posting partly just to get my thoughts out somewhere so I can go to bed. Sorry if it’s long, I don’t know what’s going on any more than anyone else.
The short story is I’ve been hurting myself and engaging in “risky behaviour” and “suicidal ideation” for a few years, around since the beginning of high school. I tried my hardest to hide it from my parents even though most of my friends knew. I’m an only child and my parents are really over protective and I knew they would react really badly to something like that. They found out once in grade 10, as I expected everyone freaked out and I had to see an awful councillor for a while, I pretended I was fine just so things would go back to normal and it worked.
Eventually my friends convinced me to reach out to a school councillor, I was unsure but I wanted to know if there was something diagnosable wrong with me because things had just been going downhill.
then two weeks ago my mom found a suicide note in my room when she was returning a book, she phoned the school councillor and everyone got involved, it was super emotional, I promised everyone that I would never dream of killing myself and I would tell my parents the next time anything was wrong. At the time I honestly believed I would.
Now it’s spring break and I’ve been having a shitty time but I just can’t tell my parents because I don’t want to have to answer their questions and I can’t explain how I feel. I want to kill myself and I want to hurt myself but just thinking those thoughts makes me feel really guilty and anxious because I’m not supposed to feel that way any more, I’m supposed to take action but I’m so so scared.
When I go back to school I’m going to have to talk to the councillor again and I don’t want to lie but I’m scared of what will happen if I tell the truth. I don’t want to be diagnosed any more, I don’t even care if I’m happy. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I hate this and I don’t know what to do.
March 24, 2013 at 1:38 am #18698YouthspaceModerator
I’m happy you found us to unload some of your thoughts and feelings, and hope that it brought at least an infinitesimal amount of relief to the pain you’re feeling before you went to sleep.
Sounds like you’re really struggling between your wrenching inner world, where all you feel is this pain and this desire to hurt yourself or die, and the smothering outer world that wants so much to help. I get the sense that you understand their desire to help, and wish that you wanted their help.. but at the very core of it all you want is to be free to feel this pain and be left alone.
I can really feel the guilt your experiencing.. that you want to keep the promise to your mother that you meant in that moment, but that right now it feels impossible. You said you were scared.. I was wondering, do you mean you’re scared of what will happen if you reach out and are honest about your thoughts of suicide? Or scared about what might happen if you don’t?
I can hear that you’re really feeling ambivalent towards life right now.. and I imagine the worry of what’ll happen when you return to school is making the future seem even more frightening. You’ve said you want to kill yourself, and I’m really worried about you.. I’m wondering if you have a plan for how you’d take your life? I’m also curious what’s been helping you hold onto life?
Thank you for connecting.. and if you want you can always connect with our live chat to get in the moment support. It’s open 6-11 PM every night.
The Support Team
March 24, 2013 at 2:39 am #18699ZECAMember
it’s still me, but for some reason it won’t let me reply under the same name.
I’m scared of both. It’s a lose-lose situation, that’s why part of me wants to die.
I don’t have a plan, I just like thinking about it. When I imagine killing myself someone always finds me, I don’t actually die. It almost feels like thinking about death and fantasizing about suicide is a kind of self-harm, but no one can tell outwardly.
I love my friends and I hate hurting them the way I do, I love my girlfriend and I hate how much I rely on her. She stays up texting me when I’m having a hard time and I’m so grateful but I don’t know what I’d do if she got sick of it and broke up with me.
I love music, I’m a musician and that’s all I want to do with my life. I tell myself I should give myself a chance, if I don’t have a successful career then I can kill myself then. Now I’m only 16 and anything could happen.
it’s not so much that I actively want to die, I just don’t have much of an interest in my life. I’m not really bothered either way. The school councillor told me that I’ve been engaging in “impulsive behaviour” (I was overdosing slightly on pills, walking in the middle of streets at night, skipping meals, that kind of thing).
I just want to be a good person. I want to be allowed to keep secrets and be able to look after myself like my friends can. I’m trying so hard and I just want to believe that I can be loved for who I am and not because of what I do to myself.
Thank you, you guys do an amazing thing.
March 26, 2013 at 6:20 am #18705Martin HenriqueMember
Hey ZECA, I totally understand how you feel when you say you don’t want to die, but you just don’t have any interest to live. My story is up in the family and relationships part of this website, but it could just at easily be here. If you want to read it, I guess I’m just a year older than you right now (17) and I guess if you have any questions about it, id be more than glad to answer them. Just be careful, and keep coming back here if you need it. I’ve been using the chat line since December, and I’ve been using the forum since early January. I’ve found that both are really great ways to just vent, and actually tell someone, and not worry too much about being “told on”
March 26, 2013 at 10:36 pm #18707YouthspaceModerator
My sense is that life seems so exhausting for you right now… that working up the effort to stay strong and maintain hope for the future seems like a never-ending battle. I can appreciate that having fought so hard for so long, it is now a challenge to imagine a light at the end of the tunnel. I can hear that your fears about the future, your music career are weighing really heavily in your heart right now. I’m getting the feeling that being able to fantasize about having someone save you from a suicide attempt offers an escape from the pain and fear of what is to come…?
The way you spoke of suicide as self-harm is really powerful….like thinking of suicide can be a way to punish yourself at times.
It sounds to me like suicide seems like a way to escape it all — that it’s not necessarily death that you want, but rather a relief from all the stress and pain that you have to deal with daily…? I imagine that the thoughts of suicide can still get really loud though, and death might seem to take over your entire brain at times.
Thank you for reaching out to us, and I’m so glad you’re talking with your counselor and girlfriend. I can hear how scary it can be to seek support. I’m inspired by your determination to be yourself and keep going, especially when things seem so bleak.
The Support Team.
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