Hey Zeca,

I’m happy you found us to unload some of your thoughts and feelings, and hope that it brought at least an infinitesimal amount of relief to the pain you’re feeling before you went to sleep.

Sounds like you’re really struggling between your wrenching inner world, where all you feel is this pain and this desire to hurt yourself or die, and the smothering outer world that wants so much to help. I get the sense that you understand their desire to help, and wish that you wanted their help.. but at the very core of it all you want is to be free to feel this pain and be left alone.
I can really feel the guilt your experiencing.. that you want to keep the promise to your mother that you meant in that moment, but that right now it feels impossible. You said you were scared.. I was wondering, do you mean you’re scared of what will happen if you reach out and are honest about your thoughts of suicide? Or scared about what might happen if you don’t?

I can hear that you’re really feeling ambivalent towards life right now.. and I imagine the worry of what’ll happen when you return to school is making the future seem even more frightening. You’ve said you want to kill yourself, and I’m really worried about you.. I’m wondering if you have a plan for how you’d take your life? I’m also curious what’s been helping you hold onto life?

Thank you for connecting.. and if you want you can always connect with our live chat to get in the moment support. It’s open 6-11 PM every night.

The Support Team

Hey ZECA, I totally understand how you feel when you say you don’t want to die, but you just don’t have any interest to live. My story is up in the family and relationships part of this website, but it could just at easily be here. If you want to read it, I guess I’m just a year older than you right now (17) and I guess if you have any questions about it, id be more than glad to answer them. Just be careful, and keep coming back here if you need it. I’ve been using the chat line since December, and I’ve been using the forum since early January. I’ve found that both are really great ways to just vent, and actually tell someone, and not worry too much about being “told on”

Hi ZECA,

My sense is that life seems so exhausting for you right now… that working up the effort to stay strong and maintain hope for the future seems like a never-ending battle. I can appreciate that having fought so hard for so long, it is now a challenge to imagine a light at the end of the tunnel. I can hear that your fears about the future, your music career are weighing really heavily in your heart right now. I’m getting the feeling that being able to fantasize about having someone save you from a suicide attempt offers an escape from the pain and fear of what is to come…?

The way you spoke of suicide as self-harm is really powerful….like thinking of suicide can be a way to punish yourself at times.

It sounds to me like suicide seems like a way to escape it all — that it’s not necessarily death that you want, but rather a relief from all the stress and pain that you have to deal with daily…? I imagine that the thoughts of suicide can still get really loud though, and death might seem to take over your entire brain at times.

Thank you for reaching out to us, and I’m so glad you’re talking with your counselor and girlfriend. I can hear how scary it can be to seek support. I’m inspired by your determination to be yourself and keep going, especially when things seem so bleak.

Stay connected,
The Support Team.