I hope you can believe me when I say that it’s an honour to be able to read your story and to hear some of your pain. So much of what you say makes me think that it’s not an easy thing to share your feelings because you’ve been let down many times before when you’ve confided in people. Thank you for your trust.
Your words flow like water onto the page here, and I wonder if things have been bottled up for a long time? Am I right in thinking that the looming possibility of your mom’s death is causing those huge feelings inside of you to wake up and move about more than usual? It sounds like you’ve been through SO much pain trying to find a place to fit in with a family of some kind, and that hope for connection and understanding is intensely hard to keep alive when you’ve been disappointed at every turn. I really hear how complicated your feelings about your mom are — like you hate that she hasn’t been there to hold you and love you in the way you need, but that you also can’t stand the thought of losing her because of the hole it will leave in your life. Without her, you say that you won’t “belong to anyone”, and it breaks my heart for you, allie, because I can hear the desperation and wrenching desire for love, and the fear that it won’t come from others if not from her…
I could be wrong, but I get the impression that you’ve spent so long trying to connect with the counselors and families in your life that it’s becoming hard to even feel anymore….it sounds like the emotions freeze you up so badly sometimes that you CAN’T even physically make yourself speak. I get the sense that it frustrates you because on top of everything, you feel frozen, cut off from expressing yourself/ There seems to be a lot of layers to the emotions that you are experiencing; and that on the outside, when it might look like you are a “hard shell”, there’s actually a huge storm under the surface that you both want people to see, and cannot bear to share :’(
allie, I hardly have words to try to describe and understand the immensity of emotions that you’re dealing with, and it sounds like they are too much for you to express sometimes. I’m imagining that a lot of the time it probably just feels like an ache that consumes your whole heart and seems ready to overwhelm everything inside of you. You mention wanting to throw things, and I can hear how tempting it is to just let the feelings flow through you and out in whatever form they take — anything, just to feel some relief. And I can understand the need for some relief, some break from the feelings, because you say that the big bursts of feeling are like having “your heart ripped out”, and I can hear that those moments are intense, with emotion that hits you so hard that it knocks your breath out…. Do you have anything that helps you cope when that feeling hits?
I can hear that you’re being tossed around by the chaos of these feelings. I’m glad that you were able to reach out here for support. We’d love to support you via Chat or Text too if you want to talk in that way.
We’re sending you a big virtual hug, allie.
The Support Team