April 17, 2013 at 12:50 am #16401allieMember
I don’t know what to write. everything really sucks. Feelings are so big and messed up and words are missing. I saw someone’s post about feeling all locked up. I feel locked up. I stopped talking when I was 4 and everyone thought i was going deaf but i wasn’t. it’s so hard to talk. i’m writing here but it’s kinda all over the place.
i want to talk and express how i feel but every time i get the change i freeze up. there is someone who said i can tell her anything but when i wrote down some stuff, she changed the subject and i felt so betrayed.
my mom is going to die. half the time i hate her. i hate her because i hate when she is weak and i hate her because she was always weak when we lived with my dad and i always had to stand up to him. i hate that i always stood up for her and she always betrayed me to him. i hate that she didn’t know what happened with my dad. i hate that she always acts like poor me. i always wanted a mom or someone where i could just be unconditionally and i hate that i want someone to hug me and that i want to fall apart and there to be someone who can hold me together. and i hate it because it makes me weak and i know it will never happen and she will never be that. any of the other places and families were just paid to take me and i was always afraid at my group home that if i let anyone know my real feelings or let it out that i would get sent back or switched out somewhere else. the other half the time i am so scared and i am so guilty and its like she needs me to take care of her and i dont know how to fix this it is too big. its too big. i dont want her to die she doesn’t say die, she says i need to prepare for when ‘things go bad.’ they’re already bad and if she dies then there will really really be no one in the whole world who has to like me and i won’t belong to anyone.
i hate counsellors. i’m just a job to them. and then if i tell one something she changes the subject and i feel like more of a freak. i’m just a paycheck. the worst part is i told that one too much and i trusted her and still kind of do but i know not to. i know not to. because it always ends the same way, just when i trust someone they give up and send me back and everyone thinks i dont care. one family called me a shell hard on the outside and empty on the inside. they think i dont care because i dont show them how i feel and then when it messes up i act like i dont care but it’s like my heart is ripped out. again and again. and i say i will never get attached and then i do. and the more attached i get the more scared i get and the more i act like i’m cold and don’t care. its the same with counsellors. the more i tell the more it’s like scary and unpredictible. i hate that i want someone to hug me. i hate that when someone tries i cant take it and then they stop trying and never try again.
Sometimes i can’t talk. nothing comes out of my mouth. words dont come and feelings are so big that i don’t know the words for them. i want to talk and express stuff and get it out and the more i feel the harder it is to talk. it doesnt come out. there is no where for the feelings to go.
sometimes i want to throw stuff around, stuffed animals and books and scream and cry. i sat for one hour in a counsellors office today and did not saw one word and i couldn’t look at her, just at the floor. then without her all alone i cried for like 2 hours outside in the park so noone i know would see.
i know so many secrets and i can’t tell anyone and i told her a few and now i can’t take it back. i’m so gross and i hate myself because i want things that will never happen and i feel like such a baby. i used to dream about living with different teachers and then i stopped but sometimes it comes back.
sometimes its so hard to concentrate because all these bad memories start running in my head and i can’t make it stop and then i get jumpy and its not the other person’s fault its mine but they don’t know that because they don’t know that my head is somewhere else.
sometimes i like it when i stop feeling anything. it’s like nothing can hurt me and i can’t feel hurt or sad or any of the big feelings. at the same time i don’t like it because i get big bursts of feelings and it is unpredictible and when the big burst of feeling happens it feels like my heart is being ripped out.
everything is so mixed up. it’s so mixed up i can’t even sort it out.
i don’t know why i wrote this. i just did.
April 19, 2013 at 6:57 am #18737YouthspaceModerator
I hope you can believe me when I say that it’s an honour to be able to read your story and to hear some of your pain. So much of what you say makes me think that it’s not an easy thing to share your feelings because you’ve been let down many times before when you’ve confided in people. Thank you for your trust.
Your words flow like water onto the page here, and I wonder if things have been bottled up for a long time? Am I right in thinking that the looming possibility of your mom’s death is causing those huge feelings inside of you to wake up and move about more than usual? It sounds like you’ve been through SO much pain trying to find a place to fit in with a family of some kind, and that hope for connection and understanding is intensely hard to keep alive when you’ve been disappointed at every turn. I really hear how complicated your feelings about your mom are — like you hate that she hasn’t been there to hold you and love you in the way you need, but that you also can’t stand the thought of losing her because of the hole it will leave in your life. Without her, you say that you won’t “belong to anyone”, and it breaks my heart for you, allie, because I can hear the desperation and wrenching desire for love, and the fear that it won’t come from others if not from her…
I could be wrong, but I get the impression that you’ve spent so long trying to connect with the counselors and families in your life that it’s becoming hard to even feel anymore….it sounds like the emotions freeze you up so badly sometimes that you CAN’T even physically make yourself speak. I get the sense that it frustrates you because on top of everything, you feel frozen, cut off from expressing yourself/ There seems to be a lot of layers to the emotions that you are experiencing; and that on the outside, when it might look like you are a “hard shell”, there’s actually a huge storm under the surface that you both want people to see, and cannot bear to share :’(
allie, I hardly have words to try to describe and understand the immensity of emotions that you’re dealing with, and it sounds like they are too much for you to express sometimes. I’m imagining that a lot of the time it probably just feels like an ache that consumes your whole heart and seems ready to overwhelm everything inside of you. You mention wanting to throw things, and I can hear how tempting it is to just let the feelings flow through you and out in whatever form they take — anything, just to feel some relief. And I can understand the need for some relief, some break from the feelings, because you say that the big bursts of feeling are like having “your heart ripped out”, and I can hear that those moments are intense, with emotion that hits you so hard that it knocks your breath out…. Do you have anything that helps you cope when that feeling hits?
I can hear that you’re being tossed around by the chaos of these feelings. I’m glad that you were able to reach out here for support. We’d love to support you via Chat or Text too if you want to talk in that way.
We’re sending you a big virtual hug, allie.
The Support Team
May 15, 2013 at 2:25 am #18769allieMember
you both want people to see, and cannot bear to share– yeah
it probably just feels like an ache that consumes your whole heart and seems ready to overwhelm everything inside of you– yeah
anything, just to feel some relief– yeah
i feel all alone all the time always
May 17, 2013 at 5:59 am #18773YouthspaceModerator
We’re glad to see you on here again. The loneliness that you feel sounds like an abyss — like you’re alone in an emptiness that seems to have no bottom. I get the sense that you feel a huge disconnect between yourself and others, born of the fact that you can’t share your inner turmoil with them because the pain, judgment, and misunderstanding would be too much to handle.
And perhaps because the inner turmoil is too huge to fit into tiny things like words…?
I get the sense that after writing out your original message here, it was probably hard to respond again…maybe it was almost too exhausting to reply? I’m glad you did, and that you expressed those parts of our that response hit home for you. “anything, just to feel some relief” is one that seems to have touched you — I’m wondering if you’ve been thinking about the possibility of suicide as a way to halt the mental agony?
We are here for you allie.
-The Support Team
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