Wow, Styxzo. Thanks for your really honest response. It tells so much about the constant and exhausting unhappiness that you are facing, but also the determination you have not to SI and to work through the pain. I have a lot of respect for the pride that you felt in your own strength the other night.
It sounds like you’re terribly alone with the internal struggles that you’ve been having. You boyfriend knows, but isn’t able to support you perhaps in the way you need, and it seems like your friends can be a source of support, but only to a point. I imagine that when the feelings are overwhelming, it’s difficult to put them into words, and even more difficult to hope that anyone might be able to REALLY see how you feel…It must be incredibly challenging to understand how to deal with something that is invisible to everyone else, but hurts you so badly and affects your whole life.
I can hear that you feel some guilt and shame for not being more emotionally stable for your daughter. When people hint that you shouldn’t be unhappy because your situation isn’t as bad as it could be, I’m guessing that it just adds to those feelings… And in turn, I can hear the frustration of wanting to feel better, but being helpless in the face of emotions that have been drowning you for so long. I get the sense that you’ve been hoping for things to change for a while, and it’s getting harder and harder to maintain that hope?
We’re here for you, Styxzo, even if it’s just to listen to the feelings that might be unheard elsewhere.
-The Support Team