June 8, 2013 at 5:40 pm #16406StyxzoMember
I don’t even know what to say really I just needed a place to vent and so I found my way here. I don’t really know whats bothering me and I don’t know how to deal with the overwhelming emotions that I have been feeling as of late. All I know is that I can’t do it anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way but what else can I do?….
Thinking of ending it tonight though I’m sure I don’t have the strength to do it, I KNOW I don’t have the strength to go on.
June 10, 2013 at 2:23 am #18790YouthspaceModerator
Hey Styxzo, welcome to the youthspace forum.
I get a sense you’re feeling a storm of uncomfortable feelings building up an immense pressure inside of you, and you are desperately searching for a way to relieve that pressure before it bursts and wreaks ultimate destruction over you. I’m hearing that you feel badly for being in such emotional turmoil, and I would guess you feel reluctant to burden any one with your stress. Does anyone in your life know how bad things have become for you? Is there anyone you’ve been able to go to in the past for support? I’m glad you’ve found us, and know you are welcome to use our forum and chat service to vent. We’re “hear” for you
It sounds like thoughts of suicide were overtaking you yesterday and that you’ve become fairly certain that suicide is the only way you can reach an end to your torment. I’m so scared to hear you in such a dark, desperate place Styxzo, and I hope that you are finding enough strength within you to fight the urge to die. Is there anything you are able to do for yourself to help you get through the darkest moments?
Keep connecting, Styxzo, we want to hear from you and help you find some relief from the storm
the Support Team
June 10, 2013 at 5:13 pm #18792StyxzoMember
I was struggling a lot the other night with my emotions and I was alone that night so I think that is what tempted me to vent. I’m proud to say I didn’t end up doing anything I’d regret. I have been SI free for about a year and I’m so glad I didn’t break that. Although everyday seems just as difficult as the nest and the thought of SI is constatnly on my mind I hope I have the strength to continue in my recovery.
As for your question….no one in my life knows exactly how hard it’s been for me. I don’t feel as though I have anyone I can turn to and really let them in and see how much I’m hurting and struggling. I’ve told close friends when I’m feeling down, but I just don’t feel like they understand exactly what I’m talking about.
My boyfriend of 7 years and the father of my six year old does not even know how bad it is for me lately, or ever really. He gets mad at me when i am very depressed. I’m not too sure why. Though I have had people actually tell me that since I am not a starving and abondoned child in africa I have nothing to be sad about. And I wish it were that simple, you know just wake up and smile and feel happy and go on not feeling like I do everyday….. but it’s not that easy. I just can’t continue feeling the way I do. It takes way to much out of me…and it’s not fair to my daughter that I fight everyday and have to convince myself to get out of bed everyday. I want to be better… I just don’t believe it’s possible…. 3
June 14, 2013 at 1:26 am #18797YouthspaceModerator
Wow, Styxzo. Thanks for your really honest response. It tells so much about the constant and exhausting unhappiness that you are facing, but also the determination you have not to SI and to work through the pain. I have a lot of respect for the pride that you felt in your own strength the other night.
It sounds like you’re terribly alone with the internal struggles that you’ve been having. You boyfriend knows, but isn’t able to support you perhaps in the way you need, and it seems like your friends can be a source of support, but only to a point. I imagine that when the feelings are overwhelming, it’s difficult to put them into words, and even more difficult to hope that anyone might be able to REALLY see how you feel…It must be incredibly challenging to understand how to deal with something that is invisible to everyone else, but hurts you so badly and affects your whole life.
I can hear that you feel some guilt and shame for not being more emotionally stable for your daughter. When people hint that you shouldn’t be unhappy because your situation isn’t as bad as it could be, I’m guessing that it just adds to those feelings… And in turn, I can hear the frustration of wanting to feel better, but being helpless in the face of emotions that have been drowning you for so long. I get the sense that you’ve been hoping for things to change for a while, and it’s getting harder and harder to maintain that hope?
We’re here for you, Styxzo, even if it’s just to listen to the feelings that might be unheard elsewhere.
-The Support Team
- The forum ‘Suicide and Self-Injury’ is closed to new topics and replies.