Hi LY, welcome aboard.
I think that a lot of what you have said here would resonate with many, and that you expressed your feelings in a very real and contemplative manner. Don’t think that your comments are out of place here because other people have “worse” problems — partly because we think that if what you are feeling is big for you, then it IS big (even if it might not seem that way to others), and partly because your voice is valued for adding a story, a perspective. If you need a place to vent, feel free to let it all out here!
And I think that what you’re talking about here is a huge matter, because, as you said, it is existential. I get that for a long time, you’ve been dutifully following the path that you were expected to follow. It seems that you’ve reached a point, though, where you just had to stop and ask yourself “why am I doing this? Does it matter to me at all?” Those kinds of questions can create some pretty massive upheaval in our lives, and it sounds like it has left you doubting not only what you have already done, but what you had planned to do as well. Perhaps even who you are? I can hear how frightening it is to find that so many things that might have felt stable seem to be shifting…
I admire that you value having interests as well as an income, and that you desire for your work to have some meaning to you. Even in the confusion and uncertainty, I get the sense that there are some core values that you hold close to yourself. If a close friend of yours was telling you that they were doubting the path that had been laid out for them, and were expressing some of the feelings that you have shared with us here, what do you think you might tell them?
Here for your venting and philosophizing,
The Support Team