Wow. We use the analogy of a rollercoaster a lot here, because we know that sometimes it can feel like a wild and terrifying ride when you’re strapped in to your own emotions and unable to escape. I can hear how vividly that metaphor represents the chaos, the unpredictability, and the extreme emotional discomfort that you have been feeling.
You’ve been battling feelings of suicide and emotional agony for a long time, from the sounds of it, as well as trying to avoid the judgment and misunderstanding that seems to come from your family. I am sorry to hear that you have been so entirely isolated with the pain — that you find your family to be on such a different page from you, and that you are no longer able to contact your best friend and your internet supports. I can imagine that losing some of those connections might be feeding into the feeling you mention having of disconnectedness —almost like it is too painful and intolerable to interact with people in their normal lives and normal opinions, so you’ve had to create a space for yourself in which you don’t interact with them much, but now it seems like the wall is permanent?
It sounds like you are coming apart, vel. The way that you describe things is reminiscent of a dream – that feeling of being there and not being there all at once, and of another presence, one that impacts you even though it’s maybe not even there. I’m guessing that when you are falling asleep randomly as well, and having dreams that are as violent and disorienting as you describe, it makes it all that much more difficult to distinguish what is real. I can hardly imagine how dazed and completely unsettled you feel.
I get the impression that you had begun to feel very accepting of the thoughts of death. You say that you were keeping yourself alive because you know how it would ruin your family, and it’s clear that you feel very resigned and hopeless for yourself except as a part of other people’s lives. I can hear, though, that the current chaos and strange, disturbing mental and emotional experiences you’re having have thrown that calm off — it sounds like now more than ever, you are agitated and feeling unable to get through moments. It sounds like you are feeling so unreal and disconnected that you are having trouble keeping in touch with even the composure that you used to feel about your own plans for death. I get the sense that you have gone from feeling like you were in endless pain but somewhat in control to just feeling entirely unhinged. Please correct me if I’m wrong on that.
What you have said is terrifying to hear, and I have trouble even imagining the experience that you are having and how intense but also up and down the feelings you are having must be. I am VERY glad that you came to write about it here, and I hope that telling us felt like a tether to reality, even for a brief moment. I am wondering if the current dissociated feelings that you are having have changed your suicidal thoughts — do you think that they might be more out of control than you had previously felt they were? Is there anyone you can reach out to if you feel like you are losing control and unable to stop yourself in the moment?
Let us know how we can help you, vel. I’m very scared for you, and saddened that you are experiencing such disturbing moments so completely alone. We are here for you if you need us. Please keep posting on the forum, and feel free to chat in, if it will help you find a coherent thread to follow in the confusion.
The Support Team