October 12, 2013 at 8:48 pm #16435velMember
i guess i’ve got a history of mental/emotional instability
i’ve attempted suicide twice in my life– just to get that out there right off the bat. neither seemed that serious. *** though the first time i was simply sick for a few days and no-one was the wiser to the cause. it was put down as the flu and i never told anyone about it. the second time was a year ago this august, and ended up with me in the hospital getting fed charcoal. this resulted in my introduction to the public mental health care association, where i was sent to a psychiatrist and counselor monthly. i stopped going late last year after trying and failing to attend group classes on mental health; i kept driving to the centre and ending up sitting in my car outside until the class had long finished, or shut down at the thought of it and end up dazing out for hours, realizing i’d missed the class. when i was told by my general practitioner and counselor that i wasn’t making enough of an effort, that maybe i wasn’t ready for treatments, i shut down and stopped going.
since then i’ve suffered the worst bout of depression. i had to give up my job and move back home because it involved access to restricted drugs, and with suicidal ideations i was told to give it up and move back to be closer to my support group. the last almost-year i’ve fallen into a pit though. i’ll eat maybe once a day, more so if i can’t get out of the house to avoid my family’s notice. i’ve been sleeping more than ever before– when i still lived alone i would basically sleep the moment i came home from work until the moment i had to work again, sleeping through days off as well. now that i’m at home and under supervision from my family, i’m not allowed to do that. i get chewed out if they realize i’m sleeping in. i set my alarm for the earliest time they’re known to get home, and leave the house before they do. i don’t go visit friends or anything– i’ve isolated myself almost entirely in the last year, finally cutting off from my best friend (who was incredibly hurt since i had helped her through PTSD and an assault case of her own) and all my internet friends. i just go to the library or mcdonalds to use their wireless until i know everyone at my house is asleep again. i have no motivation to do anything beyond the absolute basics: what will keep me alive and avoiding too much notice; what will allow me to avoid my family; and the bare minimum that will keep my family satisfied as far as chores and interaction.
they are very nose-to-the-grindstone kind of people and don’t understand not having the motivation to get better, let alone not overcoming troubles through hard work. they us themselves and the rest of the world and my bipolar cousin as examples for how i should be overcoming this, telling me i’m being lazy and an idiot about this, and comments such as ‘she’s having another of her fucking breakdowns’. since they can’t very well force me to get better, they tend to turn their aggrivation on my younger brother as well, criticizing him for marks and not helping around the house enough and general attitude problems. they’ve been a lot harsher with him since i’ve come home.
with that history out of the way, the last few months have been the most concerning so far as this emotional rollercoaster.
i am almost constantly contemplating suicide and have been for the last year. after realizing how unsuccessful most *** attempts are, i’ve researched other methods and planned out exactly how and where i’ll try next. *** it’s not a violent or impulsive desire, nothing incredibly upsetting at this point as much as a calm acceptance that i don’t want to live. i’m the first in the line of genetic survivors that doesn’t have that base biological desire to survive. if i’m not contemplating how much better off myself and those around me would be without me, i’m distracting myself from the thoughts either sleeping or browsing the internet without much purpose.
that i’m pretty used to though. keeping myself alive because i know how it would wreck my family.
these last few months though, it feels like i’ve detached from everything. i don’t keep track of time well. i can’t keep a normal schedule. i don’t care how my family would feel any more. i feel a complete disconnect from all other people and have no desire to make friends or interact with them. i don’t feel like i’m actively connected to anything really. it’s like being inside a snowglobe that’s covered half the time. i zone out for long periods of time. i fall asleep at random times.
but then i’ll get these bursts of energy like someone else is there, and i’ll realize i’ve been smiling so hard it hurts for an hour straight, like that person’s pulling my cheeks up forcibly. i won’t feel jolly or delighted about this but i can’t stop smiling. i’ll burst out laughing and then cry in the same evening. i’ve started getting violent and disturbing dreams and half waking up, feeling trapped but unable to move. i’ll wake up exhausted on the weekends, the only time my family is home to see when and how i wake up, and upset because i had a horrible night. then i’ll get chewed out for crying because “ can’t possibly stand the thought of doing some work” or “ think [i’ll] get out of this”. they’ll remind me how old i am and tell me i’m a grown-up, that life isn’t like that, that i should act my age.
i could deal with the slow waiting until i hit rock bottom. i can’t deal with all this up and down and whats-going-on and where-am-i-howd-i-get-this-in-my-hand/mouth and reacting obviously to my family instead of hiding it and staying inconspicuous like usual.
i don’t know what to do. i can’t think. i can’t keep my thoughts straight.
*** edited by the Support Team for triggering content
October 16, 2013 at 4:11 am #18924YouthspaceModerator
Wow. We use the analogy of a rollercoaster a lot here, because we know that sometimes it can feel like a wild and terrifying ride when you’re strapped in to your own emotions and unable to escape. I can hear how vividly that metaphor represents the chaos, the unpredictability, and the extreme emotional discomfort that you have been feeling.
You’ve been battling feelings of suicide and emotional agony for a long time, from the sounds of it, as well as trying to avoid the judgment and misunderstanding that seems to come from your family. I am sorry to hear that you have been so entirely isolated with the pain — that you find your family to be on such a different page from you, and that you are no longer able to contact your best friend and your internet supports. I can imagine that losing some of those connections might be feeding into the feeling you mention having of disconnectedness —almost like it is too painful and intolerable to interact with people in their normal lives and normal opinions, so you’ve had to create a space for yourself in which you don’t interact with them much, but now it seems like the wall is permanent?
It sounds like you are coming apart, vel. The way that you describe things is reminiscent of a dream – that feeling of being there and not being there all at once, and of another presence, one that impacts you even though it’s maybe not even there. I’m guessing that when you are falling asleep randomly as well, and having dreams that are as violent and disorienting as you describe, it makes it all that much more difficult to distinguish what is real. I can hardly imagine how dazed and completely unsettled you feel.
I get the impression that you had begun to feel very accepting of the thoughts of death. You say that you were keeping yourself alive because you know how it would ruin your family, and it’s clear that you feel very resigned and hopeless for yourself except as a part of other people’s lives. I can hear, though, that the current chaos and strange, disturbing mental and emotional experiences you’re having have thrown that calm off — it sounds like now more than ever, you are agitated and feeling unable to get through moments. It sounds like you are feeling so unreal and disconnected that you are having trouble keeping in touch with even the composure that you used to feel about your own plans for death. I get the sense that you have gone from feeling like you were in endless pain but somewhat in control to just feeling entirely unhinged. Please correct me if I’m wrong on that.
What you have said is terrifying to hear, and I have trouble even imagining the experience that you are having and how intense but also up and down the feelings you are having must be. I am VERY glad that you came to write about it here, and I hope that telling us felt like a tether to reality, even for a brief moment. I am wondering if the current dissociated feelings that you are having have changed your suicidal thoughts — do you think that they might be more out of control than you had previously felt they were? Is there anyone you can reach out to if you feel like you are losing control and unable to stop yourself in the moment?
Let us know how we can help you, vel. I’m very scared for you, and saddened that you are experiencing such disturbing moments so completely alone. We are here for you if you need us. Please keep posting on the forum, and feel free to chat in, if it will help you find a coherent thread to follow in the confusion.
The Support Team
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