It sounds as though you’ve kept everything inside for so long that it’s hard to let it out to anyone around you. I can get that. It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed and run down by the effort of keeping a mask over top of the emotions.
You said that it would be better for others if you were to die, and I get the sense that you feel as though you are a burden to your family. It seems like maybe you’re asking yourself whether you even deserve support for the feelings that you’re having?
I can hear the back and forth in your mind — like “This is not worth it. Nobody cares” versus “It wouldn’t be better if I died, and I deserve to feel better than this”. I would imagine that there are days when one side is winning more than the other, and that that battle is exhausting for you. I hope that you keep seeking support like this if you feel like the part of you that feels pointless begins to get the upper hand.
-The Support Team