November 9, 2013 at 8:09 am #16441LivingwithpoisonMember
I live with a verbally abusive sister, and mother half the time. Who, has no time to talk to about anything just to yell or comment about weight. Father, who’d rather watch porn than tv but will still have the tv on with his three daughters in the room. I’m tired of being here but I can’t move, since I would receive no help in any way from my family. Half the time I wish I was a cartoon so I could wish I was never born then see what life would be like without me for everyone. But it would be better. Or just wanting to die anyway. Still think it would be better for everyone. I have nobody I can count on, most female friends have ditched me for relationships. Male friends have never really been around. I just keep everything inside since I just assume nobody cares enough to ask what’s wrong, or listen to the answer anyway. I know it wouldn’t be better for me to die. But it would be better for others if I did. My sister wouldn’t have to pretend to want to hang out with me by requests of our parents. My mother wouldn’t have to do all my medical stuff since there’s really a lot of it. My other sister wouldn’t have to be sympathetic towards me,and my dad would still have them to talk to and have things in common with.
November 10, 2013 at 6:20 am #18959YouthspaceModerator
Welcome and thank you for taking the time and courage to share your story on our forum. It sounds like you are feeling really disconnected from the people in your life that you are close to. I can imagine you feel very alone even when there is a house full of people.
I can hear how much you long for an escape from reality. The abuse, lack of support, porn and the burden you feel yourself to be to your parents and siblings seem to be festering in your mind leaving you feeling depressed and detached. Nobody deserves to be abused; I’m wondering if anyone knows about the verbal abuse from your sister?
It seems that you have considered ending your life as an option to end the suffering. On the one hand, you believe that others will be relieved that you are not around but on the other hand, you know that it will not be beneficial for you to be dead. It seems like you really want to stay alive for yourself but are having a difficult time wanting to stay alive for the people in your life because you assume that they don’t care about you. I’m curious if you have tried to reach out to the people in your life and tell them how you truly feel?
You can always count on us to be around, might take us a few days to respond but you can reach out to us here or through chat if you need to (6-11pm PST).
You don’t have to go through this alone, we are here for you,
The Support Team
November 15, 2013 at 10:38 pm #18964HelperMember
Hi Livingwithpoision, Sorry to hear you are in this much distress:( I feel for you. Do you have a counsellor you can talk to. Try a school counsellor or social worker they might be able to give you some tips and resources to help you with this. Hope this has been some help:) take care and keep using this resource for it is aa great tool to let feeling out.
November 24, 2013 at 3:10 am #18973LivingwithpoisonMember
I have tried to talk to them, yes. But not about everything most of the time. usually just a few simple little things that are bothering me that they have recently done. I am looking into therapy or counseling, It’s just hard to admit everything in my life without needing a drink soon after.
November 26, 2013 at 4:53 am #18976YouthspaceModerator
It sounds as though you’ve kept everything inside for so long that it’s hard to let it out to anyone around you. I can get that. It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed and run down by the effort of keeping a mask over top of the emotions.
You said that it would be better for others if you were to die, and I get the sense that you feel as though you are a burden to your family. It seems like maybe you’re asking yourself whether you even deserve support for the feelings that you’re having?
I can hear the back and forth in your mind — like “This is not worth it. Nobody cares” versus “It wouldn’t be better if I died, and I deserve to feel better than this”. I would imagine that there are days when one side is winning more than the other, and that that battle is exhausting for you. I hope that you keep seeking support like this if you feel like the part of you that feels pointless begins to get the upper hand.
-The Support Team
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