My heart truly goes out to you. I can hear that you’re in a place right now where you can’t stand yourself…where you want to be able to feel okay, and forgive yourself (even accept yourself), but your mind is trapped in this self-hatred and sadness. I get how it feels like every single move you make and word you speak is an unbelievable effort. In some ways, it seems like you know that you can think and feel better, but right now it seems impossible when everything is heavy. The way you’ve expressed your heartache tells me that it’s so intense that the emotional pain is becoming physically painful as well, and adding to the pain of physical illness. I can imagine it feels like you are being hollowed out inside by this anguish.
I can hear too how your fears about your parents’ reactions are intensifying things for you. It seems (correct me if I’m wrong!) that there’s a battle inside of you, where on one hand you want to be able to be accepted for who you are, no matter what kind of person you are attracted to…while on the other, you just wish it would all go away, and that you could be straight and not have to fear the alienation and pain that you worry your parents would aim at you if they knew. It seems like perhaps the values that you grew up with are part of what’s making you hate yourself at this point?
You say it’s so hard, and I completely believe you, Joy. I want you to know that we *are* looking for you. Please keep letting it out here when you need to. I am very sorry to hear about how your other safe place is slipping away right now, when it seems like you need those places very badly. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help connect you to other supports.
It’s okay to be down, and you definitely don’t have to apologize for needing some support, and I hope you do continue to reach out (even if — no — especially if — your brain is telling you that you don’t deserve it), because I can tell that this is a really rough time for you.