Thank you, Joy, for your kind words about our kind words I am glad we can be here for you when you feel so little support elsewhere…I would guess it feels really lonely for you in the in between times, with no one else around you that quite gets it, or feels safe enough to talk to.
It sounds like you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place: you can either stay in bed and suffer the anxiety of feeling like the world is moving on without you, or you can go about each day with the stress of pretending nothing’s wrong, and with the emotional pain eating away at you inside. I can hear that you feel not quite right (or downright awful) about both, but that getting out of bed each day feels like the lesser of two evils right now. I get the sense, when you say you don’t know what you’re fighting for, that you feel purposeless and directionless, without a significant driving force to help push through this dark time. I’m curious what it is, even the tiniest thing, that might help you get out of bed when your mind tempts you towards that pity party?
I would guess it’s disheartening to sense you are not anywhere near the top of those doctors’ lists, that even though both your physical and mental health are crumbling you still don’t seem to be anyone’s priority. I get the sense that number…95%…feels like it’s on a whole ‘nother planet of achievement in comparison to how difficult everything else is right now. It sounds like you are truly grieving the loss of that dream for your future, and are scared about where you might end up if you have to let that dream go.
I can hear how engulfed you feel by hopelessness, and that you sense it’s getting worse by the day…can I check in about your self harm? Is it getting worse too?