I feel as if y’all are the only people I can talk to right now.
It’s horrible to even feel how I feel right now: dark, alone, sad, helpless. Truth is, I wonder how people are able to deal with me, since apparently i make their life miserable. … that’s what my parents say. And even though i just don’t want to believe them, it’s just stronger than me. It’s hurts to even hear those words come out of their mouth. My father thinks that I just want to make him mad, that I just want to hurt him, but he’s the one hurting me, and he’s the one that’s making me suffer. My mom isn’t even trying to control his temper and I just can’t stand being near them anymore. Trough out my life I’ve only been trying to make them happy, and they never thank me. They just expect me to do things their way, right away, and don’t really think about how I feel in all of this.
I’ve tumbling down in this dark tunnel, unable to climb out. I’ve been going through my old habits: self-harming, bulimia, starving myself. I’m putting the pain that I feel inside, on myself. I want them to realize that I am suffering because, sadly, telling them isn’t working out. They don’t listen to me. It’s as if they don’t care. I could possibly end my life and I have no clue how they might react: cry, laugh, or just no reaction at all.
I want to get out of this, but I don’t know how anymore. I’m just comfortable in harming myself. It’s become my home, and I’m scared that it might end up taking control over me.