Thank you for your reply. Whenever I try to talk to someone about this guy they always just say I should get over it, but they don’t know about my past and they don’t understand that it’s out of my control to think about him. So I really appreciate your support.
Yes, I often experience these running thoughts that play like a movie. It’s not always bad thoughts, however. When I used to spend time with that guy, everything would finally be quiet in my head but afterwards I would have a lot of happy thoughts about him which I also couldn’t turn off, but they were enjoyable and comforting. But the problem was that the thoughts made it impossible to get any work done or even properly enjoy social situations because I would be focused on what’s going on in my head. People often tell me that they find me very distant, and it’s because I find it difficult to engage with them fully when I have so much going on in my head.
I hate having this never-ending movie playing in my head, but in a way it’s also comforting. I feel empty when I’m not thinking about the guy I like, so I keep on fantasizing about him and then feel bad about it. Sometimes I see his friends at the university and I feel embarrassed for thinking about him because if they knew my obsession, they would think I’m insane and creepy. Also a lot of times I’m scared that his friends don’t like me, sometimes I feel like they’re watching me. I know it’s weird because they probably don’t have any opinions about me, but still when I see them I get scared. Once I saw them at a party and I was scared that they were watching me and making fun of me, and I thought one of them threw something at me, but apparently nothing like that happened. I don’t understand why I get scared and nervous when I see his friends; we never have any interactions so it doesn’t make sense to me.
Thank you for the stress reduction activities. I think they will be helpful.
Yes it is very difficult living in a foreign country by myself, but at the same time it’s also liberating. It is empowering to live freely without being controlled or threatened by someone, and I love that everything is new and unpredictable. It’s exciting, but like you said, it’s also isolating. I didn’t expect that I would have all these emotional problems and problems with my thoughts; I’d assumed that everything would be solved once I came here.
About that guy, I know that he has every right to be seeing someone else and I feel bad for being so selfish and not wanting him to be with anyone else. I think that I was being very needy with him, always needing him to take care of me and protect me. I realize now that he has his own needs and wants that I couldn’t fulfill because I was so focused on myself, and that’s why he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. What I really want and need is a father I can trust and depend on to protect me, but I know I will never get that and I don’t know how I can be a complete person without one. People tell me to move on when I talk about this guy, they say I’ll find someone else, but I know I won’t be able to find what I need. It’s upsetting knowing that everyone else can find people and be in happy relationships and have supportive families, and nobody will want to be with me because I’m so messed up because of all the stuff that has happened to me.