It seems to me you’re teetering on the edge of a huge cliff, facing the big changes that come along with moving out. I imagine it’s a scary place to be, both because you can’t see what’s at the bottom and because you’re emotions have been so unpredictable you don’t know if you can trust yourself not to fall. It sounds like living with and being around your family has been very aggravating lately, but also has protected you from taking steps to end your life. I’m worried to hear that those thoughts of suicide are strengthening as you face such a big transition. When do you move? Do you have supports in your life you can reach out to after you leave home?
I can hear how hurtful it was to have your mom imply you are unbearable, especially since you are fighting so hard to keep a handle on your self harm for your family. I would guess you resent how little your family sees or understands that you struggle within yourself to protect them from the worst of your emotional turmoil. You said you don’t want them to find out you are self harming again…I’m curious what happened last time someone found out?
Know that we will of course be here for you when you need online support through this challenging time.