Good to hear from you. I imagine there are moments when it’s hard to even describe how you’re feeling because it’s just so tiring and heavy. It sounds like intense exhaustion that you’ve been feeling late: I know it’s really concerning to feel stripped of energy like that. It sounds like the lack of energy and the emotional shakiness are feeding your sadness about not having this guy in your life much anymore. I can hear how much you miss him, and I suppose it’s heartbreaking to want so badly for someone to be there as company and comfort.
Hmmm, I can understand not being able to relieve your intrusive thoughts about him. It sounds like there’s a part of you that wants those thoughts, even as another part rebels against them and tries to block them out. I can hear that it’s soothing on some level to be able to hold onto those idealizing thoughts…perhaps like it’s a comfort to have that company, even if you fully know that it’s largely elaborated by your mind… Certainly it sounds crippling when those imaginings are confronted by reality! And I can only imagine how much stress it puts on your shoulders to be constantly worried that he’ll be around every corner. That must have you on high alert all of the time — I wonder if that’s part of why you’re exhausted?
Well, we’re not experts, but I can point you in the direction of some more info about how to get help in Canada. To get psychiatric help, normally you have to get a referral through a doctor (like a normal GP). Here’s a site that describes some of the different help that you can seek, and gives basic info on how that works: http://www.cmha.ca/mental_health/getting-help/#.VLs6NCwYFqw
If you end up feeling like you want to see a psychologist, which might be another option for you, you can find one through this site, based on what province/territory you’re coming back to: http://www.cpa.ca/public/whatisapsychologist/PTassociations/
Does that help answer your question? Depending on your province and age, there might be other resources that can help you get in touch with helping professionals.
Sending you strength and energy,