I’m glad you reached out.
I really get the sense that your body feels really unrecognizable and unfamiliar to you.
And to go along with that, it sounds like you’re really struggling to figure out who you are as a person with a personality and an identity.
I can only imagine that’s a scary, numbing and desperate place to be.
I can hear that while coping with BPD, you’ve put a lot of effort into achieving things in your life, but when you reflect on it, it feels like all of that was for the sake of other people’s expectations.
And now it’s brought you to a place where you’re clawing to find your own foundations and to feel any semblance of comfort in your own body.
I imagine that self-harming can be a way to try and feel your own body, or to try and feel yourself in your own body at all.
I can really hear how exhausted and frustrated you are with everything and how much you want it to stop. I wanted to offer this as a possible starting point for information and different ideas for coping: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm
I also wanted to invite you to chat in with us on any night between 6pm and midnight PST if you’d like to talk more about how you’re doing, explore other resources, or just have a friendly listening ear. We’re here for you.
Your friends at Youthspace.