February 1, 2018 at 10:56 pm #23132MimiParticipant
This Body…I feel like everyday is the first time I’m seeing it.
So foreign and unfamiliar.
I touch the skin I wear, I want to rip it off and strip this cancer of depression that eats away at me.
So I *self-harm* away with it; to see if i can feel at all.
I think to myself, there is no bright future for me.
No love, no beauty or warmth…
Just an empty cold body and tears of fear.
I don’t remember being proud of myself
My whole life I’ve been chasing goals and trying to accomplish them to get any kind of recognition…It’s not enough. I feel like I was so busy creating something just for people to like me that I’ve lost myself in it; so now I’m struggling to find out my true Identity. The REAL me…
I flood my room with screams of anger, fear and I cry uncontrollably.
There are no pillars of support..
They’re overwhelmed with the weight I carry and cannot keep up.
Abandoned… over and over…I panic..I pace myself back and forth in my bathroom..It goes black
I gasp for air, clenching my fists, feeling my fingernails dig deep into my palms…
I cry, I scream, I get mad and then I stop; I ask myself again, “WHO AM I?”
BPD (borderline personality disorder) has really put a toll on me.
How do I make it stop?
February 2, 2018 at 11:52 pm #23137YouthspaceModerator
I’m glad you reached out.
I really get the sense that your body feels really unrecognizable and unfamiliar to you.
And to go along with that, it sounds like you’re really struggling to figure out who you are as a person with a personality and an identity.
I can only imagine that’s a scary, numbing and desperate place to be.
I can hear that while coping with BPD, you’ve put a lot of effort into achieving things in your life, but when you reflect on it, it feels like all of that was for the sake of other people’s expectations.
And now it’s brought you to a place where you’re clawing to find your own foundations and to feel any semblance of comfort in your own body.
I imagine that self-harming can be a way to try and feel your own body, or to try and feel yourself in your own body at all.
I can really hear how exhausted and frustrated you are with everything and how much you want it to stop. I wanted to offer this as a possible starting point for information and different ideas for coping: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm
I also wanted to invite you to chat in with us on any night between 6pm and midnight PST if you’d like to talk more about how you’re doing, explore other resources, or just have a friendly listening ear. We’re here for you.
Your friends at Youthspace.
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