You’re definitely not bothering us, Angelic. Often there are not a lot of places to talk, or we feel like we’re exhausting our supports, but please know that you are always welcome to share here.
It sounds like you are often racked with doubts, both within yourself and about your relationship. It seems from what you’ve said here that those two go together a lot. Perhaps some of the intensity of the protectiveness that you feel towards your boyfriend comes from a worry that you might not be “good enough” to be with him? You said that you sometimes wonder if you need to fix yourself or find someone better for him, and it sounds like you blame yourself when he is extra stressed out — that’s a lot of pressure to load on your shoulders. It sounds like you have a lot of self-doubt that is really hard to cope with, and you feel stretched thin when you see him interacting with other girls. I can imagine that having a lot of anxiety on top of that is also hard to cope with.
I can hear how much of a whirlwind it is inside your head…where you feel like you are trying your best to be positive and healthy, but you keep feeling like you are drawn back into depression. You clearly value your boyfriend as a support, even though it also sounds like sometimes he can be difficult to be around as well. I’m glad that you have someone there for you — It sounds like you are really intent on getting some of the anxiety and depression under control so you can focus on other parts of your life. Are there times when you feel more able to feel in control of those feelings than other times? I’m glad that you have drawing as an outlet — art can be a powerful thing, even if sometimes it feels like it’s barely keeping up with the waves of feelings.
Keep connected, Angelic.
-The Support Team