I am deeply aware what’s happening to me. I don’t fully understand it. But I am aware that what I feel is more over-powering than it should be. I’m struggling finding the right way to handle it. I am trying to be more open to the suggestions of others, but I know in myself what avenues to avoid and what avenues to try.

I’m not sure why this is… But I feel like lately my life has been more of an act. In the past few days I feel that to an outsider that my life looks normal and that there is nothing wrong. But inside everything has been pretty overwhelming and I’m barely getting through my days. Even to my friends, I feel like they just have no idea who I am anymore. And that’s because I don’t let them see it.

My life right now is really overwhelming and I just want to scream most of the time. It takes a lot of energy itself to maintain a certain level of positivity and just focus my life one day at a time. Especially since lately everything has been just so flip-floppy. I think overall though that it’s probably healthy that I’m putting up a little bit of a front to people. I mean, if I just yelled at people all day I dont think Id have any more friends. I only let a few people through.

I have been really angry at myself the last couple of days. I am angry that I am SO ridiculously needy. I am a relatively needy person in general but lately the level is just so high. But I’ve spent so much of my energy lately focusing on keeping this feeling as low as possible. It takes everything that I have to just not let it all out. It takes so much energy that sometimes I try to just shut off the levels of communication to the outside world so that I don’t say things to people that I will regret after a few days.

I’m hoping that things get better soon. I am just getting so tired of not being myself and being happy and outgoing. I have a trip in a few days and I feel like if I’m going to be shut down throughout the entire trip than I might as well not even bother going. But I really want to go and spend time with my friends. I’m just scared of spending the weekend before the trip alone and than going and putting on an act for a couple days. I just want to go and be myself. I dont know if I have the energy to do that.

I think sleeping is improving… slightly? Its not that I am sleeping throughout the entire night yet, but it seems to be more on/off than it was previously. I would say that I wake myself up in tears about half the time now rather than basically every night. And for the most part I can see it coming depending on how my overall day is. This is another reason I’m really anxious about my weekend and my trip next week. What if I’m away and something happens at night… People that I will be with will be confused cause they have no idea whats going on. I hope things go well for the next couple of days so that I can just relax and be myself.

… sigh.