This morning is a good morning. Because my head is clear I wanted to explore something that has been on my mind for the last week. Maybe that will help me better understand it?
As I’ve explained in pervious posts, I am really reliant on my friend to help me through my nights. And I’ve come to realize that he will not be around for very much longer and I shouldn’t expect him to. He’s the type of person that needs his space and his life and I feel that I am probably interrupting his lifestyle and for our relationship to maintain where it is, I need to give him space.
So, I’m trying to figure out why it’s him that I need. Or even, IS it him that I need? The main thing that upsets me at night is that fear that I am alone in this world. I become very hysteric that no one understands me, that I can’t talk to anyone, that I’m fighting this and no one cares if I get through it. This is mainly what keeps me up in tears. However, I don’t necessary believe that it’s him that I need to get through these times. I believe it’s someone that I trust 100% without fault, someone that I know would do anything for me, someone that I feel comfortable seeing me like that, someone I know will not spread it around, and importantly someone I know loves me.
I can name a few people that I would trust just as much as a trust him. I’m really excited about a best friend that is coming home from a trip soon. However, because she has been away she isn’t fully aware about everything that is going on. I’m not particularly looking forward to going through everything with her, I wish she kind of just knew. But I assume I’m going to feel just as safe and wanted with her as I do with him.
However, nights ARE getting better. I am getting a lot better at telling how I will sleep at night by how I feel when I go to bed. This is a good thing because it helps me not take advantage of my friend. I’m putting in a serious effort of only asking him to stay over when I feel an ‘incident’ coming on. Also making sure I know the days he works early in the morning to make sure he also gets a good sleep. The other night was a perfect example. I could feel a sleepless, emotional night coming on and I asked to stay at his place. The night went much better than I know what would have been if I was alone.
Even though I am still feel like my last post 75% of the time, it’s not 100%. I’m getting better at looking at the positives and hopefully as the weeks go by that number keeps shrinking. I’m trying to be more positive. Unlike so many people out there I need to be thankful for what I have. And right now I’m thankful for WHO I have. If it wasn’t for 2-3 people I don’t know if I would have gotten through the last month. I don’t think I will ever be able to express that love. Especially as someone who isn’t articulate.
Lastly, I’ve noticed that I have been very “up and down” lately. I’ll be energetic and content and than an hour later I won’t be able to get off the couch for hours because I feel there is nothing in my life worth getting up for. I need this to change. I don’t like this mindset and I try hard to avoid it, but I think I need to let my friends more aware of this. I feel if there is someone kind of ‘monitoring’ (for lack of a better term) these days than hopefully a little motivation can break the cycle.
Here’s to a continued good day …