Sometimes we fall back a bit when we’re trying to pull ourselves up. I can imagine that you might feel particularly low right now because you felt like you were doing better, and then had it crash down around you. To put it another way, the darkness must be even harder to take when you remember seeing light so recently.
I’m sorry to hear that things feel really bad again, and that now there’s this extra fear- the fear of wondering if this is something that you can’t escape. I can only imagine how terrifying it seems to you that this darkness is sucking everything that you associate with your SELF out of you.
It sounds like you’ve found yourself back in the thrall of the eating disorder, and discovered, much to your terror, that it has a lot more power than you want to think it does. I get the impression that this discovery has left you feeling incredibly helpless and hopeless. What has helped you, if anything, to deal with the eating disorder in the past?
The tone of this most recent poem – to me – is a great deal more frantic and foreboding than those that you have shared before, and it seems like it probably mirrors your thoughts and feelings right now, where you feel like the pain is unmanageable and it’s leaving you agitated and fearful about what the future might hold. The men that are coming seem very menacing — does that echo your worry that you might end up treated by the medical system in a way that takes away your control? I’m guessing that right now, it seems like there are few good roads out of this pain, and I wonder if it has brought the thoughts of suicide floating back up in your mind?
Know that this is a safe place for you to talk about exactly how you’re doing, Sparrow. I’m glad that you reached out again when you needed to talk about these feelings. We are here for you.
The Support Team